Does anyone who has had some sort of difficult/abusive upbringing ever worry about the type of person they could become?

[foxinsocks]

This isn't a huge worry of mine but it has always been a niggle. I remember we had a thread like this a while back but I couldn't find it!

What concerns me are all the reports you see of these dreadful criminals/abusers and then the professionals saying that a lot of them were abused themselves and while every person who has been abused doesn't necessarily become an abuser, it often follows that those who do have been abused in the past themselves.

I see myself as a totally normal human being but when asked by GPs/consultants about any mental health problems in my family, I feel obliged to tell all (long history of it) and I often feel that from that point onwards, I am being looked at through different eyes (iyswim) and that really pisses me off!

[Bugsy2]

I guess it depends on what the issues are to a certain extent FIS. I was beaten by my mother as a child with various household implements as well as being smacked on a very regular basis. For me that was a relatively easy pattern to break & I have never once hit my children (7 & 4).
However, my mother also emotionally manipulated me, bullied me and forbade me to express my own emotions freely. That has been very hard to deal with, as I wasn't really aware of it. It wasn't until I married my mother in the form of ex-H & finally escaped from him & had counselling that I realised I was still repeating those patterns.
How do you feel the GPs treat you differently FIS? Are they subtly trying to suggest that you might be like your mother or is it something else?

[WeaselMum]

I would second Chicpea's recommendation of the Oliver James book. It was really helpful to me.

[shrub]

hi - don't know if the following is useful but i posted a while ago about my alcoholic mother who has also been in and out of psychiatric wards and the worry that it would be passed down to my 3 boys.
an amazing mumsnetter came to my rescue with an article that she had read in the guardian that week (i've tried to find her name in the archive and the article but to no avail- what on earth has happened to the archives?). from what i remember the interview was with a clinical psychologist who said that there is a growing belief in the field of mental health that mental illness is not necessarily genetic but is simply bad coping mechanisms passed down from one generation to the next.
her post gave me such strength as i was really beginning to feel like my children were doomed to repeat history. i would see them being normal clumsy toddlers and it would remind me of my mother being drunk instead of realising it was my mother becoming infantile as the drink overtook her. it becomes so hard to contexualise the feelings and behaviour that goes with such a big part of my life. when i read her post it made me realise i must take responsibility for the present and i now use meditation as my coping mechanism and have found it sustains me when life gets tough. i have also recently discovered that 'if i'm happy they're happy' is the way forward for a happier family life (coming from a highly strung family this tends to be the other way round) you can make your own fate.
hope some of this makes sense - am so tired my writing is very muddled these days xx

[essbee]

Message withdrawn

[foxinsocks]

thanks chicpea - I've not heard of that book - will look it up.

[foxinsocks]

how awful, your poor sister - I hope she is getting the help she needs. I felt for a long time that I was the cause of my mother's alcoholism (because I was not easy as a child) but thinking back, I'm pretty sure she had psychotic depression for a while before she turned to the drink.

[ChicPea]

There is a very good book about how break the cycle of parenting that you don't wish to repeat from your own childhood. It's called 'They F* YOu Up' and its by Oliver James. I had an abusive mother and weak father and when I became a parent was determined to be loving, affectionate, kind, patient and give quality time to my children and not be the agressive, selfish, violent, aggressive, depressed mother that I had. What struck me hard was that once I had a baby, I had such strong feelings of love for her, I simply couldn't understand how a mother could be anything but loving and protective to her child/ren. This book did help me understand things that I hadn't wanted to face for many years. Says that the child's confidence and self-esteem is formed by 3 meaning that those first 3 years are crucial.
BTW, I am now 42, saw my mother twice in 3 years and when she rang to ask if she could visit and meet DH and I refused saying I wasn't going to put myself through that and I haven't heard from her since. That was May. Perfect!!!!!

[WigWamBam]

Scarily enough, my sister has become an alcoholic with a range of mental problems so yes, I know that different people deal with these things in different ways. She was very soft with her children as a direct response to the way we were brought up, but her children then turned into her abusers in a way because they treat her like dirt, and one of them sometimes hits her. It's the children's behaviour that set off the alcoholism, which in turn triggered the mental problems, but it does still stem back to our childhood.

It cuts very deep.

[foxinsocks]

is it helping nemo?

[Nemo1977]

FIS am actually seeing a clinical psychologist weekly as was told I have ptsd

[WigWamBam]

Strangely enough, my mother doesn't realise what she's done. She has never been able to understand my low self-esteem, and doesn't really get why we're not the best mates she would now like us to be. She has selective memory and claims not to remember half of the things that are etched in my memory.

She denies it, but I think she was probably abused in some way by her parents. Her father (who was the man who abused me) was a violent drunk and was certainly physical with all of his children. What I don't understand is why she was the only one of the children who went on to be an abusive parent herself - for me, you want something better for your own children. Her four brothers managed OK, so it doesn't really wash with me that she abused because she was abused herself. I don't believe it's a valid excuse.

[foxinsocks]

that's interesting WWB. I don't think I'm the sort of person that would react well to counselling (don't like being told what to do and I know if I didn't agree with what they said to me, I'd also never go back!) but I do sometimes think it would be nice to go over it all with someone who could understand and listen sympathetically, iykwim.

I too pity my mother terribly. I think she does, to some extent, realise what she missed out on. I also don't blame her (though it also took having my own kids to feel that way) because her upbringing was horrendous and she just couldn't manage.

[WigWamBam]

No, I never have. Well, I had one session once, when I was still quite young, and the counsellor told me that I had to confront my mother with it before I could go any further - I walked out of her office then and there. At the time I couldn't do it because she still scared the living daylights out of me. I'm 43 years old and it's only recently that I've realised I'm not afraid of her anymore. Again, only since having dd ... she has made me strong, because she has shown me how things should be. I pity my mother now because she has missed out on so much. We don't have the relationship we should but I am happy with that now - she's the one missing out, not me.

It's just something I've gradually come to terms with in the 16years I've been with dh. Talking to him has helped, and helped me to get things in perspective too.

[foxinsocks]

how awful nemo - the fact that you had to go back there. Are you having counselling now?

[Nemo1977]

FIS I did exactly same as you swept it under carpet etc but when I had ds we stayed with my mum and SD on xmas night and I felt like a caged animal then a couple of weeks later the depression kicked in. At first was told was normal pnd etc but then got flashbacks and realised what had happened. Hence nearly 3yrs on still have the depression but I am also trying to work through the stuff to get myself settled with whats happened and to not put any of my stuff onto the children.

[foxinsocks]

well done you wwb. Would you mind me asking if you had counselling as part of the process of dealing with it all?

[WigWamBam]

FIS, I'm in control now (most of the time!) but it took me a long, long time to get here. And I've probably only been this way since I had dd - I'd come to terms with it all before I had her, I think, but it was only having dd that brought it home to me just how different things could (should!) be.

Dd is probably very lucky that I had her so late in life; heaven knows how much I would have screwed her up if I'd had her when I was young and hadn't sorted my head out.

[NotAnOtter]

want to reply but drained after 'the other'thread but 'yes ' i do worry

[foxinsocks]

WWB - you sound fab and very in control. I think probably part of my problem is that I ran away from what happened to me. Just sort of filed it away as an 'experience' and was never forced to deal with it once I left. Now, as an adult, having my own children, it's suddenly brought it all back and I find myself asking questions like 'why did it happen' etc.

FIT - rant away. You poor thing, how awful. But controlling people are just like that aren't they . She obviously only feels better herself by being able to belittle you and that must be very hard for you.

weasel - how lovely of your dp and I would love my own children to be able to say that aswell!

[WeaselMum]

I had this worry for a long time. Felt that I might become quite emotionally absent like my mother, or actually abusive like my father - but everything I have ever read about this says that if you recognise and understand what happened to you as a child, the cycle will be broken. You will always be aware of the way you are with your children. I still get a bit and wistful when with with my MIL and FIL - dp had such a great family life and thought everyone did! That's what I want for our ds . WWB, you said it really well.

[foundintranslation]

It was a nightmare FIS - she did it (6 years ago now) because I refused to leave dh who wasn't 'suitable' in her eyes. I'm trying to rebuild the relationship atm for ds' sake, but she is showing so little interest and is still so full of bitterness. It's like she's really indulging herself somehow iykwim? Whatever bits of her I have in me, I really don't think I'm capable of holding an unwavering grudge against my own child for 6 years.
I've just had 2 miscarriages in 2 cycles and God I missed having a mother.
Sorry, this has turned into a bit of a rant.

[WigWamBam]

I was abused by my mother (physically, verbally and emotionally), and also sexually abused by my grandfather. It affected me deeply, and made me the person that I am - but what it hasn't made me is an abuser. It's made me determined never to put my child through what I went through.

I refuse to dwell on it most of the time; the abuse doesn't define me as a person - I won't let it. And it certainly doesn't define me as a mother. I didn't have a normal childhood, but that doesn't mean I can't be a normal adult, a normal parent.

Sometimes I hear myself raising my voice to my dd and panic that I'm turning into my mother - but I'm not her, and I don't operate along the same lines. I love my dd, I'm not afraid to show it - and that makes me and my mother very different. I also respect her, and that makes a whole lot of difference too.

Sometimes I think that we indulge abusers in too many excuses - he had a bad childhood so it's understandable that he's going to abuse his own children. It may be a reason, but it's not an acceptable excuse in my book. Accepting that abusers go on to abuse can lead to people feeling they have the right to abuse, or that they can continue to feel like a victim even when they become the perpetrator. It can also mask the real reasons why people abuse - control, fear, power. There was no question of me not breaking the pattern ... I know what it feels like to be abused and belittled; I want better for my dd. Plus I want better for me, I don't want to ruin my present and my future by allowing the past to impinge on it.

[foxinsocks]

poor you FIT - must have been hard when you were cut out of her life