Does anyone who has had some sort of difficult/abusive upbringing ever worry about the type of person they could become?

[foxinsocks]

This isn't a huge worry of mine but it has always been a niggle. I remember we had a thread like this a while back but I couldn't find it!

What concerns me are all the reports you see of these dreadful criminals/abusers and then the professionals saying that a lot of them were abused themselves and while every person who has been abused doesn't necessarily become an abuser, it often follows that those who do have been abused in the past themselves.

I see myself as a totally normal human being but when asked by GPs/consultants about any mental health problems in my family, I feel obliged to tell all (long history of it) and I often feel that from that point onwards, I am being looked at through different eyes (iyswim) and that really pisses me off!

No, I never have. Well, I had one session once, when I was still quite young, and the counsellor told me that I had to confront my mother with it before I could go any further - I walked out of her office then and there. At the time I couldn't do it because she still scared the living daylights out of me. I'm 43 years old and it's only recently that I've realised I'm not afraid of her anymore. Again, only since having dd ... she has made me strong, because she has shown me how things should be. I pity my mother now because she has missed out on so much. We don't have the relationship we should but I am happy with that now - she's the one missing out, not me.

It's just something I've gradually come to terms with in the 16years I've been with dh. Talking to him has helped, and helped me to get things in perspective too.

that's interesting WWB. I don't think I'm the sort of person that would react well to counselling (don't like being told what to do and I know if I didn't agree with what they said to me, I'd also never go back!) but I do sometimes think it would be nice to go over it all with someone who could understand and listen sympathetically, iykwim.

I too pity my mother terribly. I think she does, to some extent, realise what she missed out on. I also don't blame her (though it also took having my own kids to feel that way) because her upbringing was horrendous and she just couldn't manage.

Strangely enough, my mother doesn't realise what she's done. She has never been able to understand my low self-esteem, and doesn't really get why we're not the best mates she would now like us to be. She has selective memory and claims not to remember half of the things that are etched in my memory.

She denies it, but I think she was probably abused in some way by her parents. Her father (who was the man who abused me) was a violent drunk and was certainly physical with all of his children. What I don't understand is why she was the only one of the children who went on to be an abusive parent herself - for me, you want something better for your own children. Her four brothers managed OK, so it doesn't really wash with me that she abused because she was abused herself. I don't believe it's a valid excuse.

FIS am actually seeing a clinical psychologist weekly as was told I have ptsd

is it helping nemo?

Scarily enough, my sister has become an alcoholic with a range of mental problems so yes, I know that different people deal with these things in different ways. She was very soft with her children as a direct response to the way we were brought up, but her children then turned into her abusers in a way because they treat her like dirt, and one of them sometimes hits her. It's the children's behaviour that set off the alcoholism, which in turn triggered the mental problems, but it does still stem back to our childhood.

It cuts very deep.

There is a very good book about how break the cycle of parenting that you don't wish to repeat from your own childhood. It's called 'They F* YOu Up' and its by Oliver James. I had an abusive mother and weak father and when I became a parent was determined to be loving, affectionate, kind, patient and give quality time to my children and not be the agressive, selfish, violent, aggressive, depressed mother that I had. What struck me hard was that once I had a baby, I had such strong feelings of love for her, I simply couldn't understand how a mother could be anything but loving and protective to her child/ren. This book did help me understand things that I hadn't wanted to face for many years. Says that the child's confidence and self-esteem is formed by 3 meaning that those first 3 years are crucial.
BTW, I am now 42, saw my mother twice in 3 years and when she rang to ask if she could visit and meet DH and I refused saying I wasn't going to put myself through that and I haven't heard from her since. That was May. Perfect!!!!!

how awful, your poor sister - I hope she is getting the help she needs. I felt for a long time that I was the cause of my mother's alcoholism (because I was not easy as a child) but thinking back, I'm pretty sure she had psychotic depression for a while before she turned to the drink.

thanks chicpea - I've not heard of that book - will look it up.

Message withdrawn

hi - don't know if the following is useful but i posted a while ago about my alcoholic mother who has also been in and out of psychiatric wards and the worry that it would be passed down to my 3 boys.
an amazing mumsnetter came to my rescue with an article that she had read in the guardian that week (i've tried to find her name in the archive and the article but to no avail- what on earth has happened to the archives?). from what i remember the interview was with a clinical psychologist who said that there is a growing belief in the field of mental health that mental illness is not necessarily genetic but is simply bad coping mechanisms passed down from one generation to the next.
her post gave me such strength as i was really beginning to feel like my children were doomed to repeat history. i would see them being normal clumsy toddlers and it would remind me of my mother being drunk instead of realising it was my mother becoming infantile as the drink overtook her. it becomes so hard to contexualise the feelings and behaviour that goes with such a big part of my life. when i read her post it made me realise i must take responsibility for the present and i now use meditation as my coping mechanism and have found it sustains me when life gets tough. i have also recently discovered that 'if i'm happy they're happy' is the way forward for a happier family life (coming from a highly strung family this tends to be the other way round) you can make your own fate.
hope some of this makes sense - am so tired my writing is very muddled these days xx

I would second Chicpea's recommendation of the Oliver James book. It was really helpful to me.

I guess it depends on what the issues are to a certain extent FIS. I was beaten by my mother as a child with various household implements as well as being smacked on a very regular basis. For me that was a relatively easy pattern to break & I have never once hit my children (7 & 4).
However, my mother also emotionally manipulated me, bullied me and forbade me to express my own emotions freely. That has been very hard to deal with, as I wasn't really aware of it. It wasn't until I married my mother in the form of ex-H & finally escaped from him & had counselling that I realised I was still repeating those patterns.
How do you feel the GPs treat you differently FIS? Are they subtly trying to suggest that you might be like your mother or is it something else?