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Original poster

Another DIL issue

73 replies

DiabeticChocolateLover · 03/11/2024 16:07

Hi, have to keep this vague as could be outed, but will try to give as much info as possible.

Son and DIL had a wedding reception few months ago, having had the civil service last year (another story!!) Issues before the event due to blended families not being invited, no kids therefore no SIL as she'd just given birth and was breastfeeding and then, in the days in the run up, serious family illness leading to last minute drop outs and people not being "in the mood".

Bride did not, for the whole event, from 1.30 pm to midnight, speak one word to me, my husband, son's brother (the new father), step sister (came a long way for just the ceremony) or my friends who came to the evening. In fact, turned away on some occasions, and only spoke if there was no avoiding it. I tried to speak to her the next morning and was ignored. Since the ceremony, I have neither spoken to or had any message from her, I had a message from my son on my birthday but have not spoken to him either. Yes, I could make the first move but I'm so upset and angry I'm not sure I would say the right thing. I have no idea what any of us could have done but I know he will go on the defensive. I feel that I have lost my son and I'm not sure what to do now.

OP posts:
PhoneEarHead · 03/11/2024 16:14

How do I know that the thing you term "issues" means you were vocal to them about having a civil ceremony last year, passed comment on the people they chose to invite to their wedding reception this year, the no children part etc.

Did you do that? Did you comment on any of the above?

Original poster
DiabeticChocolateLover · 03/11/2024 17:09

No, I was willingly at the civil service. Spoke to my son about the issues in a non confrontational way and accepted his comments. I had no involvement in the planning of the reception ceremony.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 03/11/2024 17:12

Did you know she didn’t like any of you before? Either something big happened that upset her just before the wedding or there’s been bad feeling for some time.

Did you or anyone else complain it was childfree?

YouAreOne · 03/11/2024 17:24

It sounds like you tried to change the event by putting pressure on her to invite people you wanted.

What did she actually do wrong and why is it her rather than your son that's the problem?

My MIL did similar at my wedding, pushing us to invite people we didn't really know/had no relationship with/didn't want to invite.

Attheendoftheday86 · 03/11/2024 17:28

OP I think the issues before hand need to be explained before anyone can really comment. It must have been very upsetting to be so ignored at your son's wedding.

Original poster
DiabeticChocolateLover · 03/11/2024 21:14

None of that. At all. You are completely off track.

OP posts:
Relaxedandchilled · 03/11/2024 21:16

Why were your friends there?

Relaxedandchilled · 03/11/2024 21:16

Sorry why are you blaming her when you’ve not spoken to your own son?

Dearg · 03/11/2024 21:28

Call your son. Gauge the tone of his voice when you call. If warranted - ask if you have offended them. Listen to what is said.

It could be that there’s a misunderstanding, or you may have crossed a line with them / DIL . Better to know.

Original poster
DiabeticChocolateLover · 04/11/2024 10:02

Invited by my son as they've known him for 30 + years.

OP posts:
LegoHouse274 · 04/11/2024 10:37

If some of the details weren't slightly different I would think this post was about my DSis from her MIL tbh! I feel deeply for her MIL and so does my DM who has made this known to DSis and tried to talk to her about it multiple times but it falls on deaf ears.

Honestly I don't think you can do anything about it much sadly. Just keep lines of communication open with your DS, contact him regularly, continue to invite them over and make some effort to recognise events like birthdays etc. I wouldn't go out of your way to contact your DIL otherwise tbh.

Swiftie1878 · 07/11/2024 15:43

The OP is completely disingenuous as clearly something has gone on that you’re not telling us about (in an attempt to be non-outing?)

No-one would choose to behave like this at their own wedding reception, so there is a reason for it. You know more than you are telling.

Sorry, can’t help.

potatocakesinprogress · 07/11/2024 15:46

Swiftie1878 · 07/11/2024 15:43

The OP is completely disingenuous as clearly something has gone on that you’re not telling us about (in an attempt to be non-outing?)

No-one would choose to behave like this at their own wedding reception, so there is a reason for it. You know more than you are telling.

Sorry, can’t help.

This.

I imagine the real story is the OP was far too interfering, or said something offensive about the wedding or dress, or turns out to be racist, because this is how these stories normally go.

Justus6 · 07/11/2024 15:49

Could you maybe ask your son if something has upset them as your at a loss as to what has happened. Until you know what's happened there's no chance of getting back on track. Could be something bothering her that is nothing to do with you personally.

ShouldIJustKeepChangingTables · 07/11/2024 15:49

The fact that you’ve termed this a DIL issue gives a strong clue as to the problem.

He’s your son. Why no blame or remonstrations attached to him and why instead have you latched onto her? Because she’s ’not family’?

Either you’ve raised a wuss in your son who can’t stand up to her or you’re piling blame onto her because you see her as an outsider. Which is it?

ohyesido · 07/11/2024 15:50

People were "not in the mood" for her wedding?

How dismissive, if I were the bride and I was given this message to explain the absence of wedding guests I'd be monosyllabic and withdrawn too!

Snorlaxo · 07/11/2024 15:52

Agree with pp about the people not in the mood for the wedding- what’s the story there? It was an invitation and not a court summons and quite frankly I wouldn’t want to see those people on my big day.

pinkyredrose · 07/11/2024 15:53

What aren't you telling us?

U13579 · 07/11/2024 16:01

From the list of people she didn't speak to, did anyone go over and speak to her? I wouldn't approach people I didn't know at my wedding, I would expect to be introduced to them. Also you say she didn't say anything to you, did you actually congratulate her? And she waht, looked away and refused to say thank you? Or did you not speak to her either?

Floralnomad · 07/11/2024 16:10

Well something must of happened at some point because people don’t just ignore people for no reason . Why do you feel the onus is on them to contact you ?

MsNeis · 07/11/2024 16:11

It must have been very uncomfortable for you to be in that situation, OP, I'm sorry for you.
I don't know if I can help, but I can share my own experience: I did something similar in my own wedding (not so dramatic). I was very tense because of the way my own family and my in-laws were interfering in our life as a couple. My dh and I decided we wanted a very intimate wedding and our families were not very accepting. That day was kind of a vindication of our new family and our way of doing things. My mil was not very keen on it and although she tried to be civil, you could sense the tension and she was being snarky and moody. So I just decided to "ignore" her and focus on enjoying my wedding the way I wanted it.
I guess I could have been considered rude, but it genuinely wasn't my intention. It had to do with self-preservation. Fwiw, my mil and dh did talk after that, and there were uncomfortable truths said and also boudaries put up. We now have a nice relationship.
Could something similar be going on? Maybe she/them have sensed your disapproval? Do you think you could talk to them or just your son?
I hope you are able to talk and fix things.

MitochondriaUnited · 07/11/2024 16:15

If you want a relationship with your son, take the initiative.
Yes even if you were hurt, found her rude and whatnot.

He isn’t her. Don’t punish him because of her behaviour.

So contact him.
Arrange to see him, with or without her. But maybe wo for the first time after the wedding.
Dont let it fester. He’ll wonder what’s going on. And you’re leaving the door wide open to her assuming you have an ‘issue with her and look this and that happened and now they don’t even want to speak to you’!
Then have a chat with your ds. WITH CURIOSITY.
How did the wedding go. Is DIL ok? Any issues etc… see what he is telling you.
What I’d advise you to NOT do is arrive angry and thinking your DIL is an awful person and to tell your ds that. You’re going to loose him (well you will if he is a decent person and is put on the spot where he needs to chose his parents or his dwife)

Namenamchange · 07/11/2024 16:24

There’s 2 options really either she doesn’t like you, women can be unkind to each other at times for no apparent reason or you over stepped a boundary that you either did knowingly or not.

All you can do is be very nice to them, show them nothing but kindness, and they can have nothing to complain to you about. Keep your mouth closed and bite your tongue. That way you keep a good relationship with your son

fruitbrewhaha · 07/11/2024 16:24

You’ve got to ask them OP.

And then tell us and we can then know whether you’re in the wrong or she is.

5128gap · 07/11/2024 16:25

You haven't 'lost your son' you admit to not having been in touch with him because you're hurt by his wife's behaviour. They may be martied but they haven't become a single entity, so what has he done? If my DC partner had issues with me I'd not be distancing from my own child.

If I were you I'd be trying to get to the bottom of what was going on with Ddil. Is this new behaviour? She just ignored you at the event for the first time and you don't know why? I'd be straight on the phone to ask what the problem was.