Another DIL issue

[DiabeticChocolateLover]

Hi, have to keep this vague as could be outed, but will try to give as much info as possible.

Son and DIL had a wedding reception few months ago, having had the civil service last year (another story!!) Issues before the event due to blended families not being invited, no kids therefore no SIL as she'd just given birth and was breastfeeding and then, in the days in the run up, serious family illness leading to last minute drop outs and people not being "in the mood".

Bride did not, for the whole event, from 1.30 pm to midnight, speak one word to me, my husband, son's brother (the new father), step sister (came a long way for just the ceremony) or my friends who came to the evening. In fact, turned away on some occasions, and only spoke if there was no avoiding it. I tried to speak to her the next morning and was ignored. Since the ceremony, I have neither spoken to or had any message from her, I had a message from my son on my birthday but have not spoken to him either. Yes, I could make the first move but I'm so upset and angry I'm not sure I would say the right thing. I have no idea what any of us could have done but I know he will go on the defensive. I feel that I have lost my son and I'm not sure what to do now.

Harsh, unfair, judgemental comment

UNFAIR

Weddings always cause some discontent to someone, in blended or non blended families.
SIL not being able to attend due to BF new baby would have been upsetting for some but I appreciate that the bride and groom have every right to make the decisions re their wedding day.
I think some of the posts are unnecessarily harsh on the OP and classic negative assumptions made about MIL ( always on the paternal side).
Without knowing more specifics , it is not fair to judge.
OP, pre wedding, were you on good terms then?
Seems bizarre that you were all completely ignored and very rude too

Why did you speak to your son about "the issues "

We're you directly involved in the issues?

It seems like you're not giving off the most friendly vibe towards her from your post. Do you like her as a person? Are you close in general?
Her wedding really is her own day, and it's a shame if she didn't speak to as many people as she could have. Do you literally watch her at all times to know she blanked all these people? Or maybe she was caught up in her special day and trying to feel special and enjoy something so important. Can you not just contact her and meet up for a drink, a meal? If you want to maintain your friendship that is. If not then just leave things as they are.

Most reasonable people only give advice, guidance, opinions or counsel ( whatever you want to call it) if asked for it.

How's it unfair? I said reading between the lines it reads that way. Op is being very vague and it's clear there been drama before on the lead up.

If you want a relationship with your son and any potential grandchildren let go of any feelings about the wedding and move forward. Invite them round for a meal or tea and cake. Accept if it’s just your son that comes that’s fine. Ask after her and send her a slice of cake home.
It’s very easy to have a family rift that is cannot be mended. Choose to have a relationship with them instead.

Since the ceremony, I have neither spoken to or had any message from her, I had a message from my son on my birthday but have not spoken to him either. Yes, I could make the first move but I'm so upset and angry I'm not sure I would say the right thing. I have no idea what any of us could have done but I know he will go on the defensive. I feel that I have lost my son and I'm not sure what to do now.

I've seen similar happen in families.

My advice to you is to keep in touch with your son. You probably haven't lost him yet but you will loose him if you don't make an effort to keep in contact in a friendly manner.

With a huge amount of love and respect to you - you are a grown woman, Deal with your upset and anger without taking it out on either of them. Engage with your son in a positive manner.

You need to arrange to visit them, and just discuss what has happened to provoke all this. There will definitely be something which has happened to cause it, because unless your dil is psychotic or has a mental illness, this treatment wouldn’t be happening. In my experience the longer the situation continues, the more difficult it becomes to resolve. Otherwise, things will get a whole lot worse, once grandchildren come along.

I'm a little puzzled about where you get most of this from - "she invited her friends in the evening" , you are making it sound like she made the decision at the spur of the moment to bring uninvited people, when i read it that they were evening guests at the wedding.

The bride and groom get to decided if its a childless wedding and who gets invited, its their prerogative but therefore not the mums fault if it created some issues and they are being naïve if they thought it wouldn't cause issues, it always does....and I include my own wedding in that....there is always someone who thinks they should have an invitation and didn't get one. One caveat being that it could be the mums fault is she was issuing invitations without the happy couples permission! That is a problem.

However, I do agree that the OP seems to have decided its a DIL problem when to me its them as a couple. You know your son and DIL, we do not, so trust your instincts BUT...your son sent you a birthday message, is that not a first move?

If you haven't seen them since the wedding, invite them over for a meal and say you are eager to see the wedding photos or something. Don't let this go on unnecessarily, worst case scenario is that you will find out what they feel is wrong, and that is a starting point for a solution.

But at a wedding I wouldn't wait for the bride to speak to me I would approach her first. 'Amy!! Wow!! Congratulations!! You look amazing, that dress! What a lovely ceremony, were you nervous?'

That's normal!

Even when I've not been too fussed on the bride, I go in with enthusiasm and goodwill, otherwise why bother attending.

The bride is probably telling her friends 'literally none of his family spoke. No one said I looked nice or offered their congratulations.'

Sorry, did she "not speak one word" or "only spoke if there was no avoiding it"? Can't both be true!

What does you've lost your son actually mean? He messaged you on your birthday, what more were you expecting? He's currently a newly wed enjoying the start to married life. Do you mean you've lost control of him now he's got another human being as his number one? Because that's how your posts read and it would explain your anger. Your son was born a long time ago OP, you're angry he's finally cut the cord now? How dare he! 🙄

Sounds like you've left something pretty major out! Why not tell us the whole story or we're all just going to be mystified really.

And what do you mean by 'another' DIL issue? Have you posted about her before?

It’s very clear from the second paragraph of the OP that there’s plenty you disapprove of. I imagine you made that known, as is your right. The bride, as is her right, decided to not let you ruin her day. Because it is her day. Not your day, or the blended family’s day, or the new mum’s day. I would say you’ve set the tone for how things will be OP. She’s an adult not a child you can tell what to do.

This 👆🏼

I too suspect there must be a reason your DIL didn't engage with you. But that aside, would she have called to speak to any of you before the wedding? If not, then that's not going to suddenly change. Has the level of contact you have with your son dramatically changed and, if so, why do you think that is? (Please don't say it's DIL's fault. He's a grown up, perfectly capable of picking up the phone himself.)

This is absolutely what occurred to me. Why were you sitting there like a chump waiting for her to come to you on her big day?

I agree about guests needing to approach the bride. I remember my wedding day. I'm not sure I really spoke to MIL much. I was focused on the wedding and meeting my obligations on the day, trying to get around to everyone, open presents, cut cake, be where I'm meant to be when I'm meant to be. I'm not keen on parties, so it was hard work.

A wedding is just one day. The rest of the years after that is what is important.

It's really crappy to exclude a family member because she's breastfeeding. A pre-crawling baby is not going to be a nuisance at a wedding. I really dislike childfree weddings anyway. It's the couple's choice, but I just wouldn't go if I was invited to one.

However, you son presumably also had a hand in planning this wedding so why is the blame on DIL?

As for not talking to you, you mention family illness, people dropping out because they "couldn't be bothered", and issues leading up to event, whether they were legitimate issues or not. It's not surprising she was stressed and not very chatty at the wedding.

Brilliant advice

Really OP, you can't tell posters that they're off track on their surmisings of what might have happened to cause you to be so deliberately blanked by the bride at the wedding, without providing a bit more detail about what happened. Your obscure allusions to what other guests did and who couldn't come etc are not helping, other than to say things didn't go to plan and you in particular are deemed to be the one at fault. If you can't say more for fear of being outed then you will just have to persevere with trying to mend relations between you all the best you can. No one here will be able to provide any meaningful advice on such scant piecemeal details.