Another DIL issue

[DiabeticChocolateLover]

Hi, have to keep this vague as could be outed, but will try to give as much info as possible.

Son and DIL had a wedding reception few months ago, having had the civil service last year (another story!!) Issues before the event due to blended families not being invited, no kids therefore no SIL as she'd just given birth and was breastfeeding and then, in the days in the run up, serious family illness leading to last minute drop outs and people not being "in the mood".

Bride did not, for the whole event, from 1.30 pm to midnight, speak one word to me, my husband, son's brother (the new father), step sister (came a long way for just the ceremony) or my friends who came to the evening. In fact, turned away on some occasions, and only spoke if there was no avoiding it. I tried to speak to her the next morning and was ignored. Since the ceremony, I have neither spoken to or had any message from her, I had a message from my son on my birthday but have not spoken to him either. Yes, I could make the first move but I'm so upset and angry I'm not sure I would say the right thing. I have no idea what any of us could have done but I know he will go on the defensive. I feel that I have lost my son and I'm not sure what to do now.

It's interesting that you title the thread as a DIL issue, when your Son has also not spoken to you. Son issue perhaps?

When you went up to the couple after the ceremony and congratulated them, did they just turn on and ignore you?

I wouldn't allow anyone to get between me and my DS. Contact him and plan a coffee or something similar, act like you didn't notice DIL was rude.

Reading between the lines from what you wrote.

You wanted blended family's invited so step siblings they did not one decided to come the ceremony despite not being invited.

They wanted no children wedding so you were unhappy that you other dil didn't attend

People weren't in the mood and some had illness so dropped off which is beyond rude.

You invited your friends on the evening.

It's very clear you caused alot of issues and resentment over their wedding.

Your demands and wishes ruined their wedding day. You made it all about you and not them. I'm not suprised they are keeping their distance. Let me guess they paid for it themselves aswell.

So for all the issues that occurred, were you acting as some sort of go between so in effect caught in the middle and blamed by DIL for all the aggro?

Oh. Another one of these.

First question. When is it ever not the woman's fault?

Second question. Why don't these mothers-in-law take it up with their sons? You know, their child. The one they birthed and raised.

‘Yes, I could make the first move but I'm so upset and angry I'm not sure I would say the right thing. I have no idea what any of us could have done but I know he will go on the defensive. I feel that I have lost my son and I'm not sure what to do now.’

We really haven’t been given enough information here but fair enough if you don’t want to out yourself. However, swallowing your pride and making the first move is one of the first lessons of being a parent to a child of any age!

It's too vague. What does peple not attending due to illness and no tbeing "in the mood" mean. And what people?

Op you should know on here that you're not allowed an opinion about anything to do with your son, dil or their wedding. Or allowed to offer guidance, counsel or advice . . . 🙄

No one can say whether your DIL is unreasonable as there is nowhere near enough information.

However, even assuming that you're an angel and she's entirely in the wrong, I'd try and mend the relationship by sending a (nice) message first. It's your son, I'd smile and grit my teeth through most things to maintain a good relationship with my children... even if that means pretending to like partners I privately think are awful 🤷‍♀️.

I find it difficult to believe that there's no backstory here ... suspect DIL would probably have a lot to say here if she had the chance.

Approach with love and vulnerability

‘thank you for your birthday message DS. I hope you are both well.

I confess that it is worrying me that I have upset you - I am very open to trying to understand any difficulty - I love you both and I hope to be part of your lives.’

see what happens.

Sounds as though something else was brewing before. You haven't spoken to her so you can't really be annoyed she hasn't spoken to you. If she didn't speak to you at the reception you also didn't speak to her!

Spoke to my son about the issues in a non confrontational way and accepted his comments.

Of course it was totally non-confrontational... 🤣 Talking about issues will always be confrontational, unless you were totally agreeing with him that he was right, and somehow I don't get the impression that was the case.
But also anyone who describes a conversation like this is similar to the person who says something offensive then tries to pass it off as a joke. "All I said was...."

Surely there must be something that’s upset her. Can’t you think of what it might be?

I really don’t get all these sons accepting poor treatment of their mother just because they have a wife.

Either you’ve raised a wuss in your son who can’t stand up to her or you’re piling blame onto her because you see her as an outsider. Which is it?

It must be the OP's fault?

I think the "issues" before the wedding are key here. I'd also not be impressed if people dropped out on the day because "they weren't in the mood"

You need to speak to your son. He is his own person. Your DIL isn't keeping him from you. You can either swallow your pride or potentially no longer have contact with your son...as it doesn't like like he's in a rush to contact you.

People always instantly decide the fault lies with the MIL. There are some nasty DILs around. My friends son married one of them. I watched her tie herself in knots to keep the peace, retain contact. She had four sons . Her other DILs loved her. She did nothing wrong, except exist.

There’s a general feeling coming across in your post that the issues you’ve had with your DIL in the past aren’t ones that have really been resolved properly, either side I expect. In just a very short post you have several grievances with your DIL over their wedding plans so maybe it’s not overly surprising that you voicing these concerns led to a fractured relationship between the two of you. It’s a shame you’re choosing to cut your son off by not making any contact, that strikes me as cutting off your nose to spite your face

This is nowhere near the full story.

What was your relationship with her like before the wedding reception?

no kids therefore no SIL as she'd just given birth and was breastfeeding

That's your son's fault. If he wanted to invite his baby niece/nephew then he would've done.

Hi OP, I think you could spend a lifetime working through the history of all of this, unpicking what went wrong, assigning and agreeing blame…etc etc. At the end of the day, it’s a wedding - and whilst I think your DIL was out of order - I think you should make peace with it. What happened happened and it’s never going to change. You can only change what happens going forward. I would reach out to son and DIL, I wouldn’t mention the wedding but I would try, very slowly, to build a relationship again if that’s what you want. Try to let go of the anger, emotions like that ruin lives when you hold onto them.

Ah there it is