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Original poster

Unreasonable?

63 replies

aloha · 21/07/2003 15:13

An old friend of mine told me a while back that she wanted to have a party for her 40th. I've just got the invite. It's to come for dinner at Pizza Express. She's hired a private room, which I've found out costs £50. She has asked everyone to send her a cheque for £36 per person to cover the cost of food and wine and says she'll settle the bill by credit card. I know that the meal is just the normal pizza express menu, not a special set menu. I'm seething and wondering what she'll do with my extra cash, and hoping I'm not subsidising some of her freedrinking and underemployed friends who WON'T be leaving at 10pm to relieve the babysitter and get some kip before ds's 6.30 wakeup call.

Does anyone agree that
a. This is damn cheeky asking everyone to pay for her party?
b. An outrageous sum for a pizza?
c. Not fair to those of us who have to get a babysitter at huge cost (starts at 7pm so will have to get his nanny as she will have to do tea, bath and bed), drive there so one of us (dh!) won't be drinking and so won't consume anything like our money's worth?

Should I....

Not go?
Tell her I want to pay our own bill separately?
cough up and seethe?

Ooh, it's a like a Cosmo Quiz, isn't it?

OP posts:
easy · 21/07/2003 15:22

Blimey, yes bloody cheeky.

I'd not go. For my 40th we asked 6 close friends to join us at a very swish restaurant. They had lots of notice that it would be expensive, but we split the food bill between us, and we bought all the drinks and wine (except one of the friends ordered a surprise bottle of champagne, which they paid for).

I think if she can't afford a party, she shouldn't do it this way.

No. Don't flounce and complain to her, just find something else you need to do that evening, and celebrate her birthday with her at the pub another day.

wobblymum · 21/07/2003 15:28

Just tell her you want to pay separately. She should understand that with kids to look after you need to be careful about money and if she's a good enough friend she shouldn't cause a fuss about it.

However if she's not that good a friend, you could always give it a miss completely and for the price of the babysitter you could go to Asda and get tonnes of wine (which then you can BOTH drink!), pizza and ice-cream! Sounds tempting to me but if you're desperate to go, just stand your ground and insist that you'll pay for what you have. After all, if that will be a problem for her, then it's obvious she's expecting you to subsidise some of the other people's meals!!

ThomCat · 21/07/2003 15:28

Don't cough up and seethe - no way - £36 for a pizza. What!! How can she ask people to pay before hand? How does she know now what the bill will come to? I don't get it. Are you only allowed a certain allocation of wine and if you fancy a vodka & lemonade on the night - tough shit? I don't understand how she / pizza express know how much the bill is going to come to now. If she wants to pay on her credit card for soem reason (maybe she wants airmailes?) then ask for the cheques afterwards for the right and fair amount from everyone. I think it's weird. |I had a spanish meal on Saturday and shed loads of vodk, people were ordering bubbly and sangria and it was till only £30 a head and that was in central London!

wobblymum · 21/07/2003 15:32

ThomCat - maybe she's worked out that the meal will be cheap enough that £36 will be guaranteed to cover everyone's meal, and any left over can buy her an extra birthday present!!!

I shouldn't be so cynical but I do agree with you - how can you work out the bill beforehand?

ThomCat · 21/07/2003 15:43

Why don't I preview my posts, I'm the worst typist on Mumsnet!

princesspeahead · 21/07/2003 16:06

a., yes
b., yes
c., yes!

Don't go, you'll just seethe the whole time you are there. Take your £36 and buy her a nice present instead!

spikeycat · 21/07/2003 16:15

I think £36 is a OTT, i presume that means both you and DH will pay £36 each?

My my, she must think herself very popular if she thinks all her friends would be willing to pay that much. I'd call her, say that you want to pay seperatly and see what she says. My guess is is that she is including the cost of the hire of the room, plus her and her partners dinner in the mix as she doesn't expect to pay anything on her B-day - cheek!

bossykate · 21/07/2003 16:34

gave to agree, aloha, have just searched and the average cost of a meal at pe s/be around £20 per head.

i assume it is not just a pizza, and she has included starter, salad and dessert maybe? even so £36 is rather steep. you could give her a call and find out exactly what is included in the price (e.g. exactly how much she has budgeted for booze, is the room hire included).

if it were me, i would probably expect people to pay for their own meal, but not the hire of the room or for my meal.

based on what she tells you, you could either ask to have your own separate bill or just decline... or go and get a small, token gift.

but whatever you do, don't go and seethe all the while, not worth it!

wickedstepmother · 21/07/2003 16:37

I'm with PPH. I don't think that it is unreasonable for you to request that your personal bill is settled by you on the night. If she kicked up a fuss about it then I'm afraid I'd tell her to p*$$ off !

wickedstepmother · 21/07/2003 16:39

After all, how desperate are you to eat at Pizza Express ?!

pie · 21/07/2003 16:39

I agree with everyone else, see if you can pay seperately, if not don't go. I mean if its £36 each for you and DH plus the babysitter you wouldn't be short of a very reasonable excuse. And it does sound like she is ripping everyone off.

People are so rude!!!!

princesspeahead · 21/07/2003 16:48

mind you, this reminds me of a friend of mine's dilemma. she was invited to a hen night. there were going to be 8 of them. the bride was a great friend of hers, but she didn't really know the woman organising it. this woman phoned her up and said "this is what we are doing, blah blah blah, it is going to cost £100 each, but we are also putting another £80 in the kitty each for the coke"!!

she phoned me up saying "do you think I have to pay for the cocaine if I'm not going to snort any??!!"

miss manners eat your heart out.

wickedstepmother · 21/07/2003 16:52

Crikey PPH, what a cheeky moo ! Not sure I'd want to attend a hen party where there was a cocaine kitty ! Plus, £560 worth of cocaine sounds like a lot between 8 girls (assuming 7 paying £80 each) !!!

WideWebWitch · 21/07/2003 17:08

Aloha, Last time I was in Pizza Express (2 weeks ago) our bill was £40 (? ish) for two of us. This was 2 garlic breads, 2 pizzas, 2 glasses of Chianti and a 15% tip, so she's a cheeky mare imo too. I just wonder whether there's a compulsory service charge or something? Even so, she should be dividing the bill up at the end of the night and asking for money then, not up front. I reckon you're all subsidising the cost of the room/extra drinks/other friends etc. I think I'd ask for an explanation of the £36 (if you feel comfortable asking) and then say you'll go if you can pay your own bill. Do you really want to go though? If you don't I'd invent an excuse.

Cor PPH, that does take the biscuit, I don't think anyone's ever been cheeky enough to ask me to contribute to a drugs kitty!

ThomCat · 21/07/2003 17:47

Where are they getting it for £80, that's far too expensive!!!!!

crossma · 21/07/2003 17:54

usually, if you have to split the bill people carry enough cash split the bill by handing over their share in cash while one person takes the cash and pays by cc if they haven't brought their cash - what's her problem or is the extra her birthday present that she wants? OTT indeed no-one can be that desparate for a pizza night out can they?

princesspeahead · 21/07/2003 18:02

I know, both of us thought it sounded rather a lot but actually had no idea whether that was a mountain of coke or "just the right amount for a good night out". Coke virgins, both of us. Still it was amusing!

ps she didn't pay the £80 surcharge - pretended she was pregnant instead. Modern dilemmas, hmm?

Original poster
aloha · 21/07/2003 19:34

Thanks everyone. I think I will say that we can't decide anything in advance as it depends on babysitters etc so we'll sort out our own bill on the night. If she isn't happy with that we won't go. I'm glad it's not just me thinks it's odd. Dh took me to a posh hotel for my 40th last weekend and the dinner there (canapes, three posh courses eg guinea fowl and truffle cream and a bottle of excellent red) came to just under £35 each! And now we're feeling v v poor - especially dh.
Mind you, having met some of her other friends recently I wouldn't be a bit surprised if the excess was indeed going into a cocaine kitty
Thanks all.

OP posts:
wickedstepmother · 21/07/2003 19:47

I believe that £80 would buy approx 4 lines of coke .....

wickedstepmother · 21/07/2003 19:48

Sorry, just re read that last post and it looks really dodgy.... Just to reiterate, I am not a cocaine user !!!

oliveoil · 22/07/2003 09:39

Way back when, my friend had her hen night in a restaurant, 3 people were pregnant and one announced she was half way through dinner! That caused some 'did you have wine or not?' splitting of the bill. Suffice to say, it was quite a quiet night out.

Holly02 · 23/07/2003 00:14

Aloha I've been to a few 40th birthdays recently, and some of them have required us to pay for our own food and drinks, AND buy a birthday present for the person. I really can't believe the cheek of these people!!! Some of these have been held at good restaurants too, so the night ends up being very expensive for the guests.

My best friend (who is a single mum) had a 40th last year and she paid for just about everything herself - room hire, all the food and a few bottles of champagne, but if anyone wanted extra alcohol they had to pay for it themselves, which I thought was quite fair as some people drink an awful lot more than others. She felt guilty expecting everyone to pay for her party, as well as receiving gifts from them.

I suspect a few people will be 'hinting' to your friend that they aren't very happy with her arrangements. I wouldn't go if you don't feel comfortable with it.

doormat · 23/07/2003 08:29

aloha agree with everyone here she is bloody cheeky.
If it was me I would personally not go as it sounds like a "ripping off exercise".
Friends like this we really dont need.

princesspeahead · 23/07/2003 09:15

I don't think I'd have a party for my birthday if I wasn't going to pay for it... I wouldn't have the gumption to ask people to come and celebrate my birthday AND pay as well. I figure that was fine for my 21st but if I can't show hospitality to your friends for my 40th then I wouldn't have a party - or I'd cut my cloth and turn it into a BBQ or a few drinks at my house or whatever I could afford.
Maybe that's just me, though. And I have 6 years to save up!

Original poster
aloha · 23/07/2003 09:23

PPH, you show off! Still, I'm only a year older than Elle Macpherson . And several dress sizes larger

OP posts: