How many here have ony one child out of choice

[Gunnerbean]

I'm just wondering how many of us there are here that are parets to only children out of personal choice? It seems to me that there are lots of people on here whoa re what I would call "reluctant" parents of only children - not reluctant parents but reluctant to be having to stop at only one child.

I don't know if others here agree but personally, I think that to have an only child by choice makes us a slightly different group of people than those who would ideally have liked to have more children but couldn't for one reason or another.

I think that the experience of having only one child by choice rather than be forced to have only one child by circumstances beyond your control has an effect on the parenting and family experience.

It's almost as though having one child for this latter group is a bitter sweet experience rather than a sweet sweet experience for the former group IYSWIM.

This one child families board has been up and running for a little while now and I have been quite surprised by the amount of people who post saying they have one child but would have liked to have had more but couldn't for one reason or another.

There seem to be relatively few people here in comparison, like me, who have had only one child purely out of personal choice.

We are told that the number of one child familes in the UK is increasing but it makes you wonder, if there was no such thing as infertility problems and everyone was able to have exactly the number of children they desired, how many one child families would there be then?

Actually, it's wrong to say that I'm surprised by the amount of people who post saying they have one child but would have liked to have had more but couldn't for one reason or another - I am fully aware of the huge implications of fertility problems and I wouldn't like to try to minimise them in any way by what I've said here.

Gunner - we have one child by choice. I have no idea if we're infertile or not as we chose to adopt (not for altruistic reasons, it was just the way we chose to make a family ).

I was one of the people who requested this topic but to be honest it gets on my nerves. Time and time again people start threads about how unfulfilled they are only having one child. I feel like yelling "CHERISH WHAT YOU HAVE" but of course that's not PC.

I had hoped this topic would at least sometimes celebrate one child families but whenever we try we get people telling us that our only child will be lonely when we die, etc.

We have one child through choice and have taken steps to ensure that we stay that way.

Always knowing the ds would be an only has made me enjoy every second. For instance the first tooth isn't just the first tooth - it's the last first tooth I will ever be the parent of.

dd an only child, not entirely by choice. had we chosen, we could have poured money & emotion down the IVF bottmless pit, and there would have been a chance of another child, not sure how much chance. we got dd through ivf, then decided to have one more go, which didn't work, then decided to leave it at that. too much stress all round & we love our dd, so slightly bittersweet, i do long for a baby sometimes, but not enough to spend my life making it happen. fully aware of the advantages of having an only & think about them mostly. i think every mother, no matter how many kids, has those 'oh i miss the baby years' moments, so i think i'm no different.

I am sticking with one. It's just too much like hard work

Plus we live in an educational blackhole and have to face the fact that we may have to pay for her education. Impossible for more than one.

We are the same as twentypence, we choose to onoly have one child, and we have also taken steps to ensure it stays that way. My ds is happy being any onlie as long as he has friends to play with sometimes.

We fall somewhere in the middle. Which is uncomfortable sometimes, because I feel like I can neither fully empathise with fully by-choice people, or with people who would have preferred more.

Two factors. One, we had a hard time with DD. Trouble conceiving, hated being pregnant a lot of the time, birth was, hm, so-so, DD always fed well but a lot, didn't sleep in the day, was never a contented baby. She wasn't really happy until she got mobile, and that wasn't until 14 months. Two, I don't want another baby. I have absolutely no urge. I've said that if either of those factors wasn't the case - if I didn't especially want another one, but DD had been a breeze; or if I was desparate for another even though she'd been difficult, I'd go for it.

I suppose this is why I felt strange about my friend announcing her pregnancy last year - we'd had some degree of solidarity with having only children while everyone else was having their second, but it brought it back home how this was NOT what she wanted, never had been, it had always been a false solidarity. It was silly, and I'm over it now, but I was struck by how isolated it made me feel.

I am very similar to don'tcallmebaby. My dd is nearly a year now and I'm very certain I will not have another. But it is isolating isn't it? Like you're a wierdo or something?

Gunnersbean - I think tbh that the majority of the rise in only child families is probably due to women starting families later and thus experiencing secondary infertility due mostly (though probably not exclusively) to age.

I personally know 8 families in RL with only children (age range 4yrs to 25yrs) and none of them were a result of a positive choice.

All were/are a result of some sort of secondary infertility. In some cases the infertility is probably not age related in most cases it probably is. At least 2 of the parents (both with 4 year olds) continue to try for another child. I would be too if it was not so definite that I cannot conceive again without the use of doner eggs.

One other friend would love another but her partner is adamant that they have no more and at 44 yrs old her time is running out.

I think you are right though having an only child as a result of a positive choice is very different from having an only because of secondary infertility or because of a more ambivalent choice such as the OP's reasons or my friend whose partner is adamant that 1 is enough. .

sorry didn't mean OP's reasons I mean the sort of reasons given by dontcallmebaby and kissassangel.

We have 5 1/2old DS as an only child, and people still question me if I will have another. I often lie and tell people I cant have any more. Is this my problem or theirs? DH doesn't want another either. I also feel that some mo don't think of me as a proper parent cos I don,t have to cope with juggling school pickups, homework etc and that life's easy for me. I often am asked to do play dates aS the other siblings require parents time. I cant work out if it's me that over analyses or I get taken for a ride

I'd say I have an only by choice, but strangely enough I'd also agree with dontcallmebaby's reasons. I didn't set out before I got pregnant to have an only, I espected to have 2 or 3, as a "default" sort of expectation IYSWIM. But then the birth was tricky, and we were a long way away from any family support with a fairly demanding baby (to my inexperienced eyes at any rate!), and we both very quickly decided that he was going to stay an only. And I've really never regretted that decision, and have never had any urge to have another.

So - I have an only by choice, and am happy with that decision, but if things had turned out differently I might have made a different decision.

But it was genuinely my decision, not something I was pushed into by infertility or an unwilling partner, or even financial or other practical considerations.

I have a 16 month old and I don't want to have any more. I had a bad pregnancy and SPD which is still not resolved. DS was not any easy baby either, though once he got on his feet he became a much happier boy.

DP happy to stop at one. Several of our friends had their first at the same time, all of them would like to have more and in some cases have started trying. I am an old first time mum but concieved quickly so I could have more if I wanted to, but I really don't.

I do sometimes look at pictures of DS when he was tiny and think "Aww" but I don't want to do it again. As he grows out of clothes and equipment, I give them away.

I'm the proud parent of a fab (only slightly spoiled!) 5 1/2 year old only child.

This was our choice and i wouldn't change it for all the tea in China

I don't feel guilty about him being on his own, and am not bothered by other people as it was our choice - just like it is for other people to have lots.

My dh and I don't plan on being a burden to our ds, and are almost going out of our way to ensure that we definately won't be. I wiped his bum - he is never going anywhere near mine

I love being a parent to an only !!!!!!

We have a beautiful, happy and charming 2yr old DS.

We've also decided not to have any more and we're happy with that decision. It's not because pregnancy or childbirth were awful or because we've had a hard time with him. Quite the contrary. He's an absolute joy.

I've even put my business on the back burner for a few years so that I can fully enjoy the experience of having and raising a child.

I do resent people assuming that once you've had one, you'll continue with at least one more. They look at me in a strange way when we say that we're happy with one. They then go on to say that he'll be lonely (my mother's favourite!), he'll be an orphan when we die or he'll have problems socialising.

To be honest, we're a great team and have lots of fun together. We give him all our love, cherish every new phase and enjoy our time with him with no distractions from siblings.

I'm so glad I'm not the only one here who made a positive choice to have just one - I was beginning to feel a bit like I was!!

I do think it is such a different experience
when you have made a positive choice to have just one child.

I suppose to the people who have one and wish they could have more, people like me are just as contented with one as those people who have 2 or more are.

I suppose it is the difference between being fulfilled and not really being fulfilled with your only.

When people ask if I have children, and how many, I tell them that we have one and always stress that it was by choice. I have found that if I don't say this, there is sometimes an awkward silence that follows and I think that people often feel like it's a sore subject. I suppose they assume that there must be some reason preventing me from having more and naturally assume that I must
have wanted more but couldn't have them.

I can really see the difference in my own life because I know a lady who has just one son due to the infertility issues that her husband has. She feels terribly guilty about not being able to give her son a sibling and I'm sure this transfers on to her son because she says she often apologies to him for ot giving him siblings and he often cries about the fact that he hasn't got any. She has said that he has even said to her "you don't like babies". She has miscarried twins since having her son and this hasn't helped. She is racked with guilt and also feels very resentful towards her husband because as she puts it "theoretically I could have as many children as I want". She doesn't seem to have a particularly happy life, or a happy family life at all because it is overshadowed by the fact that she longs for more children. It such a shame for her, and for all of them.

My situation is totally different. MY DS never asks about siblings and being an only is presented to him as a positive experience, not one that is lacking in something. He is totally happy and fulfilled and it is my view that if when he's older he doesn't want to have an only child himself, it will be his choce to have as many children as he wants, just as it has been out choice to have just him.

I think it is a shame that so many women with only children have to go through life feeling like there is a part of the jigsaw missing and feeling guilty for feeling that way too.

We're saving the planet!

I have another only by choice. DD is 2.7 and I'm 28 with no fertility problems and time on my side. Most people take this to mean that I will have another and that I just haven't come around to the idea yet However, I just can't visualise us with another child, I have tried but it just doesn't "fit". It is hard to describe. I am getting asked more and more now about whether I want another and I have no qualms with replying that we are very happy as we are. I have also given away all DD's baby stuff as we have gone along.

It makes me laugh really, because I am a psychiatric nurse so introductory conversations usually go "Oh, I couldn't do the job you do, it must be really awful, all those mad people" and then it moves on to children "Oh, everyone says that, but you will want another one sooner or later" to me saying that I am also doing a degree "Oh you must be mad, juggling all that". Ok, I get it, you don't want my life, but I love it and that is all that matters.

We only ever intended to have one child. As it turns out, it would probably not be easy for us to have another child (recurrent miscarriage) even if we wanted one (which we don't), so its by choice, reinforced by circumstances iyswim.

We too have given away/sold everything when it's not needed anymore

We are very happy, and don't regret/feel bad about DS being an only at all

Gunnerbean - I agree that there is some difference between having an only child by free choice and having one because of secondary infertility (or similar reasons). But I don't think the difference is quite as profound as you suggest. Of course, I can only speak of my own experience - I'm in the second category - and other people may feel differently, but parenthood really isn't a bitter-sweet experience for me. Having not expected to get pregnant at all, from the moment I got my (in MN-speak) BFP I was in a state close to euphoria. I am not now (and have never been) troubled by thoughts about the babies I haven't had. Life really is sweet (even allowing for the ups and downs of parenting)!

Come and have a glass of champagne in the tea room, everyone. We're watching the Ab Fab box set.

I'm similar to DontCallMeBaby too:

As an only myself I always intended to have at least 2, ideally 4!!!

But had a lousy PG, induction 2 wks late, emergency CS, jaundice, colic, PND and a crashed thyroid to contend with (am still taking the AD's and DD is nearly 4 1/2).

It took me a long time to get my head around the idea of having another one, by which time I was due to have gallbladder surgery. Since then I've thought about and sometimes really fancied having another, but never quite enough to actually bite the bullet and go for it.

Over Christmas I had a scare, (although I have a Mirena was having all the same symptoms I had when first PG with DD)> In the end I did a test and while waiting for the result realised how much I wanted it to be negative (which thankfully it was).

I could never have contemplated terminating a 2nd pregnancy but it did crystallise for me that I actually don't want another child regardless of circumstances.

Fortunately DH and DD feel much the same!

I have one child by choice. We had IVF to conceive him and the thought of having to go through all that again made me weep. DS is a gift from god, a blessing, a miracle and for that I will always be grateful. I thought I'd want more, but after having him, I never ever felt broody again. I'm quite happy to hand back those crying babies to my friends and head on down the road, hand in hand with my 6 year old and know that we are a perfect 3 person family.

i have one by choice, no fertility problems, happy healthy pregnancy, just cant imagine having another one! dd is nearly 4 now, everyone keeps telling me that i will change my mind, but me and dp are pretty adamant, our family works well as the 3 of us.

Another deliberate oner here.

Well, I've counted up the messages on here and there seems to be 14 of us who have one child purely by personal choice with no other factors forcing us into it.

Which kind of illustrates my point; if everyone was able to have the number of children they ideally wanted there wouldn't be that many one child families at all.