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One-child families

Got questions about only having one child? Find the answers here.

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Original poster

How many here have ony one child out of choice

74 replies

Gunnerbean · 20/01/2009 21:39

I'm just wondering how many of us there are here that are parets to only children out of personal choice? It seems to me that there are lots of people on here whoa re what I would call "reluctant" parents of only children - not reluctant parents but reluctant to be having to stop at only one child.

I don't know if others here agree but personally, I think that to have an only child by choice makes us a slightly different group of people than those who would ideally have liked to have more children but couldn't for one reason or another.

I think that the experience of having only one child by choice rather than be forced to have only one child by circumstances beyond your control has an effect on the parenting and family experience.

It's almost as though having one child for this latter group is a bitter sweet experience rather than a sweet sweet experience for the former group IYSWIM.

This one child families board has been up and running for a little while now and I have been quite surprised by the amount of people who post saying they have one child but would have liked to have had more but couldn't for one reason or another.

There seem to be relatively few people here in comparison, like me, who have had only one child purely out of personal choice.

We are told that the number of one child familes in the UK is increasing but it makes you wonder, if there was no such thing as infertility problems and everyone was able to have exactly the number of children they desired, how many one child families would there be then?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

SammyK · 30/01/2009 21:02

Hi everyone

I have an only, he is 4 years old and lovely.

Our family set up is DS, me, DP and his two older boys from a previous relationship ((aged 10 and 12), who are here every weekend and come on holiday with us.

This complicated how many dcs I had as we are already financially supporting 3 children, and so a 4th would be a strain.

Also I suffered hyperemesis whilst pg and spent a lot of pg in hospital, which would not be ideal for ds who is autistic and relies on me a lot emotionally.

All that said though, I am happy to just have one child, and feel that it means I savour him more, each moment and memory is poignant, and we have an amazing bond.

I feel ds gets the best of both worlds as he is on only with older (nonresident) siblings.

paddingtonbear1 · 01/02/2009 13:43

I have one child by choice.
We left it quite late to start, and for financial reasons couldn't have two close together. But tbh I couldn't face doing it all again now...

SuzeMcG · 03/02/2009 09:38

I have a 9 month old DD and don't intend to have any more. I really enjoy her but for some reason don't feel any desire to have more children. My excuse is that I'm 37 soon (I know it's not that old) and will probably go back to work next year. I have had the "only is lonely" comments and find them very irritating. DH would probably like one more, but isn't insisting (not for the moment, anyhow).

MaryAnnSingleton · 03/02/2009 09:44

me - we chose to have just the one

the3ofus · 03/02/2009 10:58

I've chosen to have 1 child. I always thought I'd have 2 or 3 children but after having dd I changed my mind! I love dd to bits but have had to accept that for me, parenting doesn't come easy. DD and I love the time we spend together (she's 3 and I work part-time) but to be honest I know I couldn't go through the early years again. The sleepless nights, the illnesses, the worry about how to juggle work and childcare(I have to work- we couldn't survive without my salary). Sometimes I wish things were different. I wish I was a more "motherly" person if that makes sense. I have lots of friends who find parenting a breeze but for me it's an ongoing challenge, harder than anything I've ever done before.

I do worry about dd being an only, but having thought about it and after reading what others on here have written, there is no gurantee that even providing a sibling(s) for my dd would give her an instant playmate. Even if I had a baby now dd would be in school by the time the baby would be old enough to play with dd, dd might suddenly resent having a sister/brother after having my full attention, she might not get on with a sibling when shes older etc etc. I have 2 brothers and although they are close in age to me we have never been close. My dh has a sister and he sees her about once a year!

I think part and parcel of being a mother is the constant guilt so I try not to worry too much...

Sorry, this was a bit of an epic for my first post on this board!

boccadellaverita · 03/02/2009 12:48

Hello, the3ofus. Welcome to this topic!

Lunch is now being served in the One and Only Tea Room. Please all come and have a chat there.

paddingtonbear1 · 03/02/2009 13:52

the3ofus, welcome
I could have written your post.
I think dh would like 1 more child but he isn't pressing me.

slayerette · 03/02/2009 14:01

Can I join? - thank you for the thread, Gunnerbean.

I have an only through choice - before I had children, didn't realise that I only wanted one but really struggled with the early months and was desperately tired and unhappy. DH felt the same and although DS is much wanted and much loved we are happy with our family of three (plus assorted pets). But I do feel guilty about this - mostly caused by other people telling me how cruel I ma and how lonely he must be and how much he's missing out on...

the3ofus · 03/02/2009 14:14

paddington- my DH is a bit like yours, I think he is keen to have another child but also isn't pressing me. He does get soppy over newborns especially when a friend or relative has a new baby and I know he wishes it was us sometimes. That said, after he was forced to spend the day at home with me and dd yesterday (the snow stopped him getting into work) I think he's no longer so keen to have more

Iklboo · 03/02/2009 14:20

DS is an only by our choice. We decided we'd be able to give him everything he needs (not wants) etc.
I'm an only, DH is one of 4 (with 2 step siblings). People do keep on at us 'when are you having another? Don't you want another - DS is so lovely' etc and we keep telling them no, DS is going to be our only. FIL's wife asks us every single bloody time she sees us

cockles · 03/02/2009 14:33

I'm a happy only-mother too. Mostly. It was our choice not to try to have more - now he is getting nearer schoolage I do feel the odd pang but I have no real urge to do babyhood again. I think this is a skewed sample though: my unscientific guess is mums of ones are less likely to see themselves as defined by motherhood, and hence, less likely to be on mumsnet in the first place.

Jux · 03/02/2009 14:39

As soon as I got pregnant I knew I wasn't going to do it again; I loathed every minute of it. DH had stopped talking to me by the time I was 5 months pg and wouldn't stay in the same room with me by the time I was 8m. MIL criticised and interfered, undermined and belittled me. I would have left him when dd was less than 6wks but I was too ill and weak (physically) and was being constantly bullied by MIL and dh, and believed I was just useless and becoming constantly more useless. DH was still not speaking to me by the time dd was 3, by which time I'd been dx with ms (onset at pregnancy). By this time I was actually getting a bit better, and I told him if we didn't go to Relate then we'd be divorced. We're still together 6yrs later, so that tells you something. We've moved 150m from MIL though.

Yes, I have one child through choice. There was no way in the world I would go through an iota of that again. There was no way I was going to let MIL further into my life and screw up a second child of mine.

My tubes were tied 5yrs ago. Dh had a vasectomy about 6m later.

DD is a fantastic child. I don't need another one and she is just so brilliant, what on earth would I want another one for? She's perfect.

teafortwo · 11/02/2009 20:54

Me too. Where do I sign Gunner???

nzshar · 11/02/2009 22:00

I have a very strange setup. DS, 4.5, is my only but we do have my dss almost every weekend(and have done for the last 8 years, he is now 15)
We have taken steps to make sure we have no more as well. So even though ds is my only actual child, our family does have 2 children. Dss is included in as much of our family life as possible, holidays, days out etc. But in day to day life and because of the age gap ds is like an only, but not as well, oh my a bit confusing huh

teafortwo · 11/02/2009 22:04

nzshar - not strange at all many families I know are just like that! Infact I think it is quite normal.

BananaFruitBat · 11/02/2009 22:13

Choice.

I hated being pregnant, I hated giving birth, I hated breast feeding, I hated the mess of weaning and potty training, I hated the exhaustion, and I hated my husband (now I just don't like him). I can't tolerate babies either.

But DS (now 4) is the most wonderful 'thing' that ever happened to me. He's gorgeous and I love him to pieces.

mistlethrush · 11/02/2009 22:43

Gunnerbean - I think that the whole issue is more shades of grey than black and white. Yes, I would have, ideally, liked a 2nd, and have had 2mc since ds. However ds has a great time as an only, and I enjoy sharing his joy. We don't talk about the fact that he doesn't have (a) sibling(s) - its just him, that's all he has experienced and he doesn't expect anything else.

After the issues I had, having a child is a wonderful thing - a very sweet experience.

There is a tinge of sadness that ds will never be an older brother - as he would make such a good one - but there is far outweighed by joy that he is here and that he will be growing up in a family that really values his presence and wants to ensure that it is as full of love and fun as possible.

teafortwo · 12/02/2009 09:54

MT - what a lovely, thoughtful post!

Like paddington and the 3ofus my DH is keen on having another child. I said, after some panicky posting in this topic, if we do it I'd like it to be after dd is at least six. I like bringing up one young one at a time and it feels somehow just the way I am suited to being a Mum.

Everyone has different qualities and comfort zones. This is mine.

Pawslikepaddington · 12/02/2009 10:06

Aw I'm with MT on this one! And tbh, every time I go to a house with siblings it seems like such chaos I don't think I would want that after 5 years of peace in my household!
It is becoming very obvious that dd is an only-she is much less able to understand that she can't have undivided attention all the time, as opposed to her friends with siblings, but on the other hand she loves playing with the smaller ones when we go to play, or if they come here.

I have another 20 years yet-we will see what happens, but it seems very unlikely, as I want to privately educate, will soon be in a very demanding job, and really enjoy the special bond I have with dd, as it has been just us from her being 3 m/o.

pinkkoala · 12/02/2009 10:12

i have one dd, now 4yrs by choice.

I didn't enjoy being pregnant, suffered lots of nausea, had tonsillitus and had hard time from work. i certainly didn't enjoy the labour like most women, my waters broke at 38 wks and having visited the hospital was told to go home and if nothing happened in two days to go back and be induced. As soon as i was in the car and on my way home i started contractions, we rang the hospital when i got in and was told to go to bed as first babies take approx 12 hrs of labour. Not in my case, after plagueing the hospital at 1am in the morning, contractions were lasting longer than a minute and every 5 mins, they told me to go back in. I was told only two cms dilated and could be a long night, this was 2am in the morning. At 4am i am begging for pain releif as i hadn't had any as was told too early, my body was already pushing my baby out. by 5am she was born with no pain releif and midwives not beleiving me all the way along, needless to say i had a 2nd degreee tear, lots of stitches, loss fair amount of blood and then got low blood pressure.

i certainly wouldn't entertain having any more, and also she is more independant now and i have managed to get a bit of my life back. I love her to bits but definately no more.

We get the pressure from family saying she will be lonely and its not fair to be an only child, but she has more than most children with siblings.

she isn't spoilt but has lots more of my one to one attention, has approx 3-4 hols per year, has loads of toys, when family visit they always bring her stuff. She seems happy with having all my attention but also knows how to share with her friends when they come round or she goes there.

corblimeymadam · 15/02/2009 19:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

spicemonster · 15/02/2009 20:02

I had my DS on my own so although in theory I could have another one, I won't because I think I am a reasonable single mother to one but I don't think I could do it well with two. Given I'm now 44, the likelihood of my meeting someone who I want to have a child with while I am still fertile is a million to one.

the3ofus · 16/02/2009 10:51

Teafortwo- I think I'm on the same wavelength as you. I know there is no way I could contemplate having a second child now, when dd is only 3. I wouldn't be able to cope with looking after a newborn and having a younger child of 4 or 5 to look after too. For me the only way I could consider having another child is when dd is 6 or 7. I saw quite a few mums at the weekend out shopping who had a first child of around 7 or 8 and a newborn, and they seemed to cope really really well, much better than other poor mums I see struggling to cope with a toddler and a newborn. That would be an impossible challenge for me, I feel almost shaky just thinking about it...

daisy99divine · 16/02/2009 13:45

belgianbun just wanted to send good luck vibes to you and hope that you find joy and happiness in your family whatever the eventual number and however you all come to be together

corblimeymadam · 17/02/2009 23:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

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