How many here have ony one child out of choice

[Gunnerbean]

I'm just wondering how many of us there are here that are parets to only children out of personal choice? It seems to me that there are lots of people on here whoa re what I would call "reluctant" parents of only children - not reluctant parents but reluctant to be having to stop at only one child.

I don't know if others here agree but personally, I think that to have an only child by choice makes us a slightly different group of people than those who would ideally have liked to have more children but couldn't for one reason or another.

I think that the experience of having only one child by choice rather than be forced to have only one child by circumstances beyond your control has an effect on the parenting and family experience.

It's almost as though having one child for this latter group is a bitter sweet experience rather than a sweet sweet experience for the former group IYSWIM.

This one child families board has been up and running for a little while now and I have been quite surprised by the amount of people who post saying they have one child but would have liked to have had more but couldn't for one reason or another.

There seem to be relatively few people here in comparison, like me, who have had only one child purely out of personal choice.

We are told that the number of one child familes in the UK is increasing but it makes you wonder, if there was no such thing as infertility problems and everyone was able to have exactly the number of children they desired, how many one child families would there be then?

you're welcome BB

Hi, We have one child by choice. We always planned to have just one and have never regretted not having more. Like Nancy75 our family of three works perfectly. Even though he is nearly 9 I still get asked not if, but when I plan to have more - I smile sweetly and say we prefer to concentrate on quality not quantity!!!!

thank you all for being honest, sometimes it can be a bit like swimming upstream against the tide when you have one child - everyone thinks you should be like them and have 2 plus kids and complete strangers (never mind the rest!) ask when you are having another.

My husband and I have a 2 1/2 yr old precious son. After 5 yrs of unexplained infertility and one failed IUI and many tests, we decided to adopt to grow our family. The month before we were going to adoption panel I found out I was pregnant, what a miracle.

I have seen every step, milestone and day as precious because had we adopted our child would have been three yrs old so we would have missed first teeth, walking, first words etc. It's been wonderful but I thought I would feel like I belonged after having a foot in the infertility world and adoption world for so long.

However, I still feel there is so much pressure to have another and even though I have virtually accepted that it probably won't happen I still find people's very direct comments offensive. Having seen friends with a toddler and a baby struggling I realise how much more freedom I have but I think the desire is still there to have another child - I don't have a problem with my son being an only one has I had good friends who didn't having siblings and they were well balanced individuals (unlike some people believe about onlies) but it's more others' comments. I guess sometimes it depends on hormones as to how I feel about it.

I have always wondered why people are so opinonated about subjects they know very little about (the same happened with infertility too) and is basically non of their business?!!!

Lins, I know what you are saying and it drives me a bit nuts too when people go on about it and ask you are you having another etc. And as you say, even complete strangers feel free to comment on it.

The only way forward I think, is to try and detach yourself (in a nice way) from other people's opinions.

Deep down, I don't think most people mean to be offensive, they are often just curious. I've even asked those questions myself of other people in the past ... so guilty as charged!! But it was never anything more than a passing question, just something of interest. I never ask now!

Sometimes though, I think a few people are a little judgemental of the decision to have an only. I've even been told by one person it's cruel/selfish to not have another.

My only way of dealing with that is to detach from their opinions and tell myself they're the ones that have a problem with it, not me. And if they are judgemental, as you say, it's not really any of their business anyway.

I think that often people are just making conversation when they ask if you're planning another child. They're not necessarily judgemental, they couldn't care less one way or the other.

I've only got one out of choice.

I agree with the poster who said for many it's shades of grey. From reading here, it seems there are three main reasons for having just one child:

1. The positive benefits/liking it the way things are
2. Difficult pregnancy/birth/demanding baby/struggles with parenthood and not wanting to go through it again
3. Infertility issues

Like many people, my reasons for thinking we'll just stick with our one DS (who is now 15 months) are due to more than one of these categories

1. Positive benefits: We genuinely love the idea of being a close-knit team of three, and the extra time we can devote to DS.

2. Not wanting to go through it again: While I had a fantastic pregnancy and straightforward birth and recovery, both me and DH found the first year incredibly hard (DS was, as the Americans call it, a 'high-needs baby' - constantly feeding, not sleeping, wanting attention all day etc). He's a delight now, but the thought of going through the early months again makes me, and especially DH, say NO WAY!

3. Infertility: DS was conceived through donor sperm. This means we would have to go to more lengths than most people to have another baby, and potentially face the rollercoaster of treatment failures.

If we only ticked one or two of those boxes, then maybe we would have another, but in combination, to us they make a compelling case for sticking with one. I can empathsise with all parents of onlys (whatever their motivation) as I feel a combination of their bullish defensiveness of their choice, their guilt at not providing a sibling, and their sadness at not being able to have another child.

Sorry to ramble for my first post (have been lurking for a long time!)

Llanarth - I remember my first post - I spent the whole evening sitting by the computer waiting for a response!!!

Welcome to the world of posting.... why don't you pop into the tearoom for a cup of virtual whatever you fancy drinking and an online chat - it would be nice to chat more...

So....

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/one_child_families/755433-Tea-room-the-Eighth-sun-sea-sangria-and-perhaps-a

here is the link to the tearoom - I hope you'll pop along, Llanarth?

we have a 2.11 only. And we like it that way people always ask if we want another and some are supportive others not. I love the fact our ds gets our full attention and im a sahm while hes still young and enjoy this because this is our only i love every first thing.
i hate the way people can be judgmental by saying hes spoilt but why cant he have our full attention and toys etc its our choice and hes very well behaved. so i love having an only and wouldnt change it for the world.

we have a 2.11 only. And we like it that way people always ask if we want another and some are supportive others not. I love the fact our ds gets our full attention and im a sahm while hes still young and enjoy this because this is our only i love every first thing.
i hate the way people can be judgmental by saying hes spoilt but why cant he have our full attention and toys etc its our choice and hes very well behaved. so i love having an only and wouldnt change it for the world.

One by choice here. Never had the slightest urge to have another. Perhaps because I had no urge for the first one for the longest time - I honestly thought I would never had children at all. By choice. I think it was only really the fact that DH did want one that eventually persuaded me. It was almost worth it just for the shock wave that went through famly and friends when we eventually confessed I was up the duff! . My mother was so shocked she stopped speaking to me for aaages. (weirdo)

No-one has ever really quizzed me about another.

I have friends with six children by choice through to friends with co children by choice and many in between all with their own stories/reasons/heartaches. I've never judged any of their choices and have never really understood those that do judge.

Noticed this thread was started right back on 2009 but it's so relevant for me right now.
I started a thread after my Dad passed away as it stirred up a lot of emotion and worry about dd being on her own. Reasons for wobbles:

1. All my closest friends have more than 1 (and tbh I don't think they quite understand my choice) I know this sounds like some sort of teenage angst 'but everyone else is doing it' but it's more a reflection on the general expectation that you don't stop at 1 by choice.
2. After Dad passing away all the 'lonely' 'burdened by elderly parents' stuff came up.
3. Guilt (reflected in all of the above for the huge gaping chasm of no siblings etc etc)

But I know in my heart of hearts I am over the moon and utterly contented with one, she is incredibly happy and I love being able to give my all to her (although poor thing will never benefit from the spoiling - DH and I have discovered that we are actually pretty strict parents...we as long as she's not being particularly funny!).

DD now 3 is one by choice ( doctors had warned us we couldn't have children so had prepared ourselves for none and couldn't believe our luck when I fell pg) - although interesting when I was pg with her, I bought a Phil and Teds assuming we would have 2. Looking back, this was only because it was the expectation - I'd given no consideration to what would work for us and of course had no idea what life would be like with children.

And here's something very telling - dd loves babies, refers to some of her toys as having brothers and sisters, quite likes The Large Family (grrr!) but when I ask her about family, she refers to me, dh, grandparents etc and all of our closest friends and their children - she sees our whole network as her family and loves them.

Our merry band of 3 is fantastic

I have only one child and this is by choice. I have now seperated from the father of my DS and still will not consider having another child. I have many reasons for this but they dont sit too comfortably with a lot of people and I get a lot of the "but what if you re-marry and they want a baby?" or "you are only young, you cant be certain of that" I am 30! and really I can be very certain of that thanks. My life is good and so is DS's. We are fine just being us. I dont want to change that.

I came across this topic the other day and just wanted to say i have found it soooooo helpful and informative.

Both DH and I were both saying we were happy to stick with just our one when DS was a baby and have never really strayed from this. However we both come from very large Asian families and since DS was about 2 family and friends have been relentless in trying to convince us to have (at least)1 more, which has on occassion made me worry that i was making my family "miss out on something".

Going through this thread has helped me to confirm that our decision is the right one for us. The negatives expressed about being an only can be counter-argued. There is no gaurantee that siblings will be close, play together and look out for each other or look after their parents in old age.

We are very content being a family of three and I think that there are positive and negatives in all different family structures.

I do wonder how many more people would have onlies if they hadn't given in to society nagging at them to have more?

Motherunearthed, couldn't agree with you last point more -I started a thread a few days ago on the comments about not having more and interestingly it seems to go further than one not seen as 'normal' - 2 is the perfect and only number. One is cruel and 3 or more is neglectful! This obsession with the family of 4 is really quit bizarre!

Btw huge vote here for family of 3!

Hello, another mother here who has deliberately stopped at one gorgeouse DD :-) My own rational choice really as I had no problems conceiving, straight-forward birth, easy baby. I work fulltime (by choice) as I love my career so having one makes life easier. In general we can go out and about with few problems. Life hasn't changed drastically for us. More money and energy for holidays, eating out as a family, day trips etc. She's in fulltime childcare so socialises every day with toddlers her own age and is very sociable.

And I was an only and had a terrific childhood so no guilt on that front either :-)

I think there's another reason for stopping at 1:

• relationship problems resulting in stalemate, so no-one wants to add the extra upheaval of another DC, even if more than one was originally planned ...

whata refreshing site this is! my first post and i really am enjoying reading honest and open posts.

i am not a very maternal person, fell pg by accident but adored and adore my little boy. the love of my life! my friends are all having their second babies and are asking me all the time when i am going to. i love my family as it is. we are a threesome, e is adorable, well behaved, clever, funny and we have a blast.

he also sleeps well now!!!

and i go to my friends houses and its so noisy, dirty and busy.. i like to have a cup of tea mid afternoon whilst my boy plays cars- we gel and have our own time and time together. the thought of having another, esp if they were tricky scares me.

we are trying (half heartedly) as i want to make sure i dont regret not having another but if i am not pg in a year then we will stop and accept we will only have one. in my heart i half want another but also hope that i dont fall pg and we get on with our future. if i could miss the baby bit then i would go for t wholeheartedly but it is the stepping back i will find tricky.

i like nice calm easy life and we have tht now, wih the prospect of ski holidays, money and a nice house if i dont get pg....

hmmmmm.. its a tough one but i wholeheartedly understand stopping at one. i am not an earth mother, i adore my child but newborns and other peoples kids dont pull at my heart...

xx

I love this thread!

I'm new to the site, and it's so refreshing to meet others who have chosen to have only one child. I'm 27, and my DS is 10 (I had him very young) and my life is wonderful and very complete.

I have always known I wanted one or none, and have never felt the urge or need for another.

I noted that most of you have younger children, and would just like to say, as they get older, the benefits of having an only child become more and more apparent. So expect some wonderful years ahead with your child.

I really really appreciate and make the most of every moment/milestone/journey I experience with him. I'm happy, relaxed and stress free, and that totally rubs off on him!

I see nothing wrong with large families, but for some of us, one child is perfect, and here by celebrate ONE CHILD FAMILIES!

We have one by choice and never contemplated having more or have ever wavered or had cause to revise our ideas since having him.

It's brilliant with one and I always say that I am just as happy with one as other people are with 2 or 3 or whatever their ideal number of children is.

My DS is happy and we don't "draw a veil" over discussing why he hasn't got siblings. We've always been very open about that but interestingly it's not really something that crops up much (if ever). My DS is very happy with his life and doesn't feel there's anything missing from it. We have no negative feelings about it to rub off on him, or to be worried might rub off on him.

I often speak to mums with 2 or more kids and they tell me that their kids are bored and fed up so kids with siblings aren't always happily playing together as people might imagine.

Often they're different ages/sexes/different characters wo don't always mix well so don't make the ideal playmates for one another that people imagine they will be. They can squabble fight and argue too and thorougly anny one another at times and drive their parets nuts too.

I think that a lot of people want more kids for themselves rather than to provide a sibling(s) for the child they already have. Just think - what good is a little baby to a 9 year old?

As someone pointed out, a lot of parents here have young children and maybe have a very rose tinted specs view of what having kids with siblings can be like - it's not always a bed of roses.

One was my ideal number of chilren to have and that's what I had and we all love it!

We are very lucky to have the one (told we had fertility ishhoos and I ended up giving up work to stay and home and try a breed) - I wouldn't push my luck but also I don't fancy going through the whole pregnancy thing again, money (we are not by any stretch of the imagination rich and I want to do as much for ds), my age - oh a whole host of things.

I'm happy - ds is happy but my only fear is that we're older parents and wonder where his support network will be (my parents are old, ils overseas and useless).

Another point is just because you have siblings doesn't mean you love them or get on and it must be hard for parents of warring kids.

So I guess I've got one through choice and necessity and I'm very comfortable with it.

I think this whole "where will my DS/DD's support network be when we grow old/die" argument is slightly spurious.

Life is full of so many ifs and buts that you simply can't let that dictate to you.

Who is to say that an only child won't end up in a relationship with a person who has loads of relatives and together they'll have lots of friends who will be able to offer them all the practical and emotional support they need?

Even if they don't end up in a relationship at all, they may still have a fantastic network of close friends who can provide them with all the support they need.

The majority of people I meet seem to have just one sibling (or maybe two). If you have just one and relationshs with them end up being strained, or totally severed, where does that leave them?

I have read so many stories on sites like this one, and also heard of and seen in real life, where siblings are quite literally at each others throats over who's doing this for mum and/or dad when they're elderly and who's not. It can lead to so much resentment, ill feeling, nastiness and heartache.

A lot of people have a tremendously rose titned view of what it's like to have siblings. Just because two kids love the bones of one another when they're aged 3 and 5 doesn't mean that' the way it will always stay.

Some people are exceptionally close to their siblings but it's importnant to remember too that siblings grow up and don't always grow together but apart instead. They sometimes move to different areas of the country, or even different countries and often have very little contact. I know of people who feel far closer to their brothers and sisters in law than they do to their own siblings.

I have one sister and have very little to do with her, even though she lives very close by. I can quite honestly say that she, without doubt, has caused me more pain and heartache in my life than anyone else.

At difficult times in my life, my mother my DS and my closest friends are the people who have really been there for me - certainly not my sister.

No doubt the time will come when my mum needs me and things will get tough. My DS and my friends will again be my support network at that time. I can quite easily manage without my sister and, knowing her, it'll be a case of having to anyway.

I feel like an only child, despite having a sister.

Sorry DS should read DH