Odd thing you've done, and then thought 'WTF did I do that?!'

[ChickensHaveNoEyebrows]

I once found a white disc in the washing machine after a load had finished. Couldn't for the life of me work out what it was. So I licked it. Turns out it was a lemon scented bleach block for the toilet cistern. I'd scooped up the packet with the dirty washing. I don't usually lick random objects. It tasted a bit lemony, and not particularly fatal in case you were wondering.

[rahhhhhhhhhhh]

i dropped my iphone down the toilet and proceeded to rinse it under the sink

[rahhhhhhhhhhh]

also after returning from a night at a friends house i realised i couldnt find my keys, i sent my now ex back to our friends house in a taxi to see if they were there only to find them in my bag! when he got back i pretended i found them on the drive, he was understandably not impressed.

[Bringmevino]

I once licked the metal hand rail bit of the ice skating rink to see how cold it tasted (still not sure why) and ended up having to pull my tongue off with my hand after it got stuck to the freezing metal. It left a mark for an incredibly long time that layer of my tongue!! Why?!

[Bringmevino]

Ooo, remembered another one, key related too.....then bf had some friends staying at ours and have them his keys when he and I decided to leave the club we were all at, to go home. He asked me first if I had my keys and, talking to him as if he was a stupid fool, I replied that of course I had. We got home to discover that actually I hadn't. He went round the back alley behind the houses and managed to climb up the wall/plants/trellis onto our first floor roof terrace and then out the front door to let me in. I didn't even say thank you or sorry but had a go at him for not locking the back door when we went out. Obviously!

[MartinaJ]

It was in my daredevil period and I was still smoking at the time, i.e. eons ago. After a few pints a guy I knew started discussing what would happen if someone put a burning cigar against their skin. Would it be too painful?
I have a big round scar on my arm to remember that stupidity. It's painful.

I wasn't used to spicy food but I discovered I loved it. So I ate half of habanero on nice buttered toast. Straight to A&E with severe dehydration as my digestion system said fuck off with those stupid ideas.

[MartinaJ]

And on a lighter note, I once read a book and was trying to turn the page by swiping the top of my finger right to left. The page wouldn't budge. I realized it's not my iBooks and engaged my fingers.

[Looly71]

I was once on a night out with work mates. Sat in corner of pub in a fairly large group when two men came and sat next to me and my friend. They were quite drunk and sat uncomfortably close to us so we told them to go away. Few minutes later and it's my turn to go to bar but when I get my bag from under the table my purse had gone. We put two and two together and my friend and another (male) colleague went in hot pursuit of these guys, they roped two policeman in along the way and they eventually caught up with them a few streets away. These men had no idea what they were talking about. Turns out my purse had slipped out of my bag under the bench seat in the pub!

[Imaystillbedrunk]

I was at a fancy corporate do trying to get new business with my manager. She'd just started the company so first impressions are everything. She's doing really well smoozing on guy and I'm talking to someone else. She hands him a business card, he flips it over and read out the business tag line "quality, commitment, experience". He makes a comment along the lines its a bit cheesy. In a moment of madness I turn around and say, "well we were going to have 'fuck, cunt, bollocks' but didn't think it sent the same message" and walked off.

We didn't get any new business that night.

[CrackerChops]

I had a very embarrassing, and stupid moment the other day. I was at a conference, and we were all mingling afterwards having drinks and introducing each other. Suddenly a guy comes up to me, we get chatting, and he wants to know the name of my colleague that gave the entertaining speech. Now, let me just say, this colleague he was referring to is one of my very good friends. She has worked with me for years and we socialise outside of work a lot. Could I remember her name? Could I buggery. It went like this:

Man - "Yes it was a brilliant speech, very entertaining."
Me - "I could introduce you to her if you like? She has some fantastic ideas."
Man - "Oh yes please, that would be great. Whats her name?"
Me - "Erm...sorry, her name?"
Man - "Yes, I didn't catch it."
Me - "Erm.....sorry I've just realised I've left my purse I'd better run back for it..."

OH. MY. GOD.......WHY

[CrackerChops]

I should also add, it wasn't the drink that made my brain go fuzzy...I was on apple juice all night!! Thats what makes it 10 times worse

[chocolatebiscuit]

When we first brought my son home for various reasons he ended up only sleeping on me. This left me very sleep deprived and a bit bonkers. One night my partner said he would do the 10pm feed to help me get more sleep. Anyway, about 1am I woke up and realised my son was lying on me. I also couldn't see a baby gro on him. Furious with my partner for being so irresponsible, I got up and carried him to the changing table so I could dress him and change his nappy. My anger changed to confusion when I noticed a sleeping baby in my son's cot. It was only then that I realised I was about to put a clean nappy on the cat!

[chocolatebiscuit]

Another really stupid one for which I can't think of a decent excuse was at a wedding when the waiter asked if I'd like red or white wine. I replied "black, please".

[Itslikeyoureadmymind]

I've got one!

My OH and I were driving out of a car park. In front of us was a really dodgy van, complete with curtains in the back door. The driver of the van stops and starts talking to this kid in bicycle gear. I get freaked out and shout at the top of my voice "STRANGER DANGER, stranger danger!"

The child turned around and looked at me

It was a middle aged man, albeit a very short one. And my windows were down so I was heard as clear as anything.

[ladyjadey]

Adding this will definitely out me if anyone who knows me is on this thread but it is utterly hilarious so here goes......

DH proposed to me unexpectedly on a city break. It was the first of a 3 night stay. We got very giddy on celebratory champagne and went to bed in our lovely hotel. I woke in the night desperate for a wee and opened the door to the bathroom half asleep. As the door closed behind me I realised I was in the hotel corridor. Naked. I heard a door open a couple of rooms down, panicked and ran down the corridor and hid behind a big column. Then I heard a door open to the other side of me and ran the other way and hid again. Then I realised I had forgotten which room I had come out of, and I very definitely did not have either my keycard or my phone to alert DH to help. Cue naked, terrified wandering/hiding up and down the corridor until the lift at the end of the hall pinged open and the hotel reception staff came to rescue me with a bathrobe. They must have seen the whole thing on the security cameras!

They let me back in to my room after taking me to reception to find out where I was staying where I had a massive wee and went back to bed. I had to explain whole situation to DH over breakfast the following morning!

[flanjabelle]

As this thread has been brought back to life, I have a cringe moment I would like to add.

I have been spending a lot of time at the hospital lately as my grandad has been unwell. I was taking my nan home after visiting him and needed to pay for the ticket. One machine said 'out of order', and the other machine said 'cards only, coin sorter broken'. I attempted to pay with my card at the partly working machine, but it kept coming up with something or other not recognised. I loudly complained that the machine wasn't even taking cards, which prompted a few of the people behind me to walk to the other ticket machines (a good few minutes walk away right at the other end of the hospital).

A man came up behind me and asked me to try again before he walked to the other machines. I did, and again it didn't bloody work. He then very kindly pointed out that I had been putting my card into the ticket slot, and that the card slot was over on the left. I was rather embarrassed as this was witnessed by about 6 people who were still waiting. I felt terrible about the ones who went right to the other end of the hospital.

[Saraloumac172]

I have rode the train home and then realised when my car was not in the station car park that I had driven into work and had to get the train back into town. I have also spent half an hour looking around the city centre car park before realising that I have got the train in.

[Heyheyheygoodbye]

Thanks whoever brought this thread back to life -Hello Bronagh makes me absolutely cry with laughter.

Today I watched a woman in M&S spend ages trying to scan her shopping on a self-serve till which very obviously had a giant bag over the screen to indicate it was out of order. I expect to see her posting here any minute

[Betrayedbutsurvived]

OMFG ladyjadey, I've did nearly exactly that, except I knew which room and hammered on the door to wake bemused partner up. I've spent ten years thanking god no one saw me. I never thought of CCTV

[girlandboy]

Drove into town in my car.
Came home on the bus.
Had to go back into town on the bus to retrieve the car.

Tit

[ladyjadey]

Lol betrayedbutsurvived! I thought I was the only one! It made the proposal story go from romantic to hilarious, and God only knows what the hotel staff thought of me!!!!

[MummyBex1985]

Oh god how many of these have I done

I once greeted a new work client, and inexplicably, a scouse accent came out. I'm a southerner living up north and I've never even been to Liverpool. Best bit is, I then had to maintain the accent every time I saw them

I also once picked up my bottle of dry shampoo to sort my morning hair out... And promptly sprayed it on my armpits!

[puzzledbyadream]

I bought a bike trailer from somebody on gumtree and was happily cycling back with it when I decided to cycle through two posts. I obviously did not know my width and got completely wedged. I managed to throw my thigh onto the crossbar so that I didn't have a fanjo incident. A dad cycling with his two boys had to come and help unwedge me. Poor trailer has scrapes all down the side now.

[HarryPottersMagicWand]

These are brilliant! Loving the poster having to spend the evening in a wheelchair and the lumps of mud/hedgehogs.

When I was 13 my friend was making us drinks and got some ice cubes out. I had never actually had an ice cube in a drink and had an urge to lick one. Whilst it was still in the tray. Yes, obviously it got stuck. My friend came in and was in tears at this ice cube tray stuck to my face so I had to go and get help from her parents. Who were also in tears but they did help me. No one fancied that ice cube after as my skin was left behind.

At uni we had electric hobs which I'd never used before. I didn't know how I would know if it was hot so I put my had on it. Yes it was hot! Did the same thing after I moved in with BF and we had an electric hob. Done it with an iron too. I don't learn.

I wanted to clean the grout in our last bathroom and decided as I knew white vinegar was a good cleaner, I'd mix it with bleach and get it really clean. It worked. Grout looked great. DH came home and asked what on earth that smell was. Turned out I'd made a toxic gas. Chemistry wasn't my strong point at school.

When I was 9, I was out with my friends and we were waiting to cross a road. There was a car coming but being impatient I decided I could beat the car so I ran for it. My friends screamed at me so I decided it wasn't a good idea after all and stopped in the middle of the road, heard brakes screeching and promptly fainted. I woke up on the pavement. Turns out I couldn't beat a car and fainting saved me from being badly hurt as according to eyewitnesses, I went flying. I'm extra careful on roads now.

[MollyRedskirts]

I was out with three month old DS at a cafe, playing with him and calling him daft pet names, one of which is 'sponge'.

Two ladies at a neighbouring table heard me and remarked 'What a lovely baby! And an unusual name!'.

Instead of explaining that 'sponge' was a pet name, what I actually said was 'Thank you, it's Swedish.' THANK YOU, IT'S SWEDISH. WHY. WHY?!

I then had an excruciating conversation about it, telling them that no, we weren't Swedish but I'd always been fascinated by Scandinavian culture (no I haven't) and it was spelled Sponjge.

I have literally no idea what I was thinking.

[WeAllHaveWings]

Touched the hot plate of the iron with the full palm of my hand to see if it was still on. It was.

Pulled the trigger of a Nerf gun while looking down the barrel point blank range to see if the bullet was still jammed. It wasn't.

Both very painful.