Odd thing you've done, and then thought 'WTF did I do that?!'

[ChickensHaveNoEyebrows]

I once found a white disc in the washing machine after a load had finished. Couldn't for the life of me work out what it was. So I licked it. Turns out it was a lemon scented bleach block for the toilet cistern. I'd scooped up the packet with the dirty washing. I don't usually lick random objects. It tasted a bit lemony, and not particularly fatal in case you were wondering.

At Westfield shopping centre my husband handed me the parking token which I inexplicably popped into my mouth and attempted to swallow

I've only just realised (yesterday) that kanga and roo from winne the pooh were so called because they were.... Kangaroos

I'm in my 30's for petes sakes. How have I only just realised this??!

I'm shaking with silent laughter trying not to wake up four month old dd in the crib next to me!
My mum was redecorating her hallway and I was helping look at sample books. I'd finished with one and asked her to pass me the deluxe one. Wasn't until I saw the look on my dp and my mum's face that I realised I'd said durex!
Also was at my mum's once with my sister her dp and my dp. I saw a pair of seamless knickers on the radiator and I wanted to know if they were any good at hiding vpl so I piped up with "Mum are these your crotchless knickers?" She looked horrified for a second before everyone fell about laughing! I'll never live that one down!
Just realised that I look like I'm obsessed with sex!

A friend and I were on our way to a party in a block of flats (I was staying with her so it was her friends party, no one I knew.) On the walk there we found a slightly broken abandoned wheelchair and I thought it would be hysterical to get in it. Friend wheeled me the rest of the way to the party (spinning me and tipping me up etc etc).
We arrived at the bottom of the main stairway to the flat block and my friend saw someone she knew so ran off to see them in excitement. As I'm about to get up out of the wheelchair some other party goers (who had been smoking out the front) noticed me. Cue lots of apologies from them about how the lift is broken and they're so sorry but of course I'm still welcome, not to worry, they'll carry me up.
They then lift me in the chair up three flights of stairs into the flat and I had to pretend to be in a wheelchair for the rest of the evening including wheelchair dancing and one particularly interesting trip to the toilet. My friend thought it was hilarious and at the end of the evening rounded up the same guys to carry me back down the stairs. By this time my head was just buried in my hands but my she gushed thanks at them and wheeled me off down the road.

Why I didn't just get up out of the chair and explain myself straight away I'll never know!

Oh this thread is joyous.

I like the ritual of writing Christmas cards each year. One year a friend called me to ask I'd realised that I'd written 'happy birthday' rather than merry Christmas in her card.

I'd done it in all of them. Why!?!? Why???????

We were out with H's new work colleagues one evening.
One guy was Welsh, and all of a sudden, I found myself doing a Welsh accent, in response to something he'd said .
I have no idea why I did it, H was quite annoyed, as he was embarrassed, and the guy I'd mimicked looked really unimpressed.
I still go red just thinking about it!

Met a colleague of DH's in the street. Never met her before but joined in with the polite 'lovely weather' type chat as I wanted to make a good impression. As she walked away calling 'bye!' I replied with an equally cheery and loud 'thank you!'

What? Thank you? Ffs brain.

Last Monday I went into work, took the lift with a colleague, got out on the third floor. Went into the kitchen to make tea.

Wondered why they had changed the table - I'm part time, these things happen.

Looked for my mug - some bastard had nicked it, obviously. Funnily enough all the other mugs looked a bit unfamiliar. Spent five minutes hunting for the team tea caddy and milk ...

Only when someone id never seen before asked me what I needed did I remember the key point that I work on the FIFTH floor ...

I've just attempted to eat what I think is supposed to be a bath bomb...

It was heart shaped, sweetie sized and pink. It was in a baby shower party bag given to me by a friend.

It was going so well til I licked it and it started fizzing...

Bleurgh.

So pleased this thread is in Classics, it's been so funny that I almost had an asthma attack because of been so hysterical with laughter.

I've had a few 'incidents' myself, but the first I remember was when I was about 12 or so: my mother gave me some letters to post at the Post Office, and some money to buy stamps to put on them. Yup, I'm sure you've guessed, I posted the letters then went inside to buy the stamps. On the letters. I'd just posted...

Took me years to live that down.

When I first had my licence, and took the car out for the day I had dropped off my friend, walked out of her house and hopped straight into the passenger side of the car. Shut the door. Then realised, oh Christ I can't drive from here.

In case anyone was looking I spent a minute pretending to get something out of the glove box before I got out and walked back around to the drivers side.

"Hello bronagh"

And the one about the person being in the wheelchair all evening absolutely cracked me up

On the phone to a client called Ben in the office. Get to the end of the call and instead of saying 'Bye!' I say 'Ben!'

Nutcase.

1st night on holiday.

Went straight to the beach.

It was nearly dusk so thought we would just paddle with toddlers.

Tucked up maxi-dress up by ruching it up at the sides and tucking it into knickers. They were black, I had been waxed before holiday so thought it was no different to bikini bottoms.

Played on beach for an hour and sat down on towel to dry feet etc.

Only realised later that I had forgotten I had on a panty pad, with large white wings very visibly displayed! Mortified

Got home after being out all morning the other day, couldn't find my house keys .

Front door left wide open with keys in the outside lock

I 'd been out over 3 hours and the postie had been , kindly putting the post on the doormat!

Wouldn't be as bad if it wasn't the second time I've done it..

MORE PLEASE!!!

I've done so many of these, although none as amusing as any listed, IMO.

The only one that springs to mind for me was getting off bus having just had a row with best mate (on phone, she hung up as I was walking down stairs), tried to say 'thank you', said 'fuck off' instead. Didn't realise until the doors were closed and I looked back, horrified, and saw the bus driver's sad face through the door as he pulled away. Mortifying.

I must have thousands more, will update as and when I remember

The SinglePringle reminded me of something I did as a teenager. I was travelling on a packed bus towards town. I stood up to get off just before a particularly sharp corner. I was thrown back as the bus rounded the corner and I landed face down in a young man's lap. For some stupid reason I said 'oh I love doing this' as I adjusted myself.

I never saw his face properly.

I was in Tesco the other night and to reach the floor with the supermarket from the entrance you need to take a travelator. I got on the down travelator rather then the up one, proceeded to go "oh well, I'm on it now" and try to hike up it instead of going back down and taking the correct one. I had very sore legs!

I have a total obsession with deodorant. ..I mean almost bordering on obsessive.

About 18 months ago I put a pan on the gas ring to boil. Still don't know to this day why I did it..... but for some reason I thought it was a good idea to give myself yet another lashing of deodorant whilst standing at said gas hob.

Of course there was an INSTANT whoooooosh and my head become a fireball. By sheer luck I'd just ran a sink full of water, so was immediately able to plunge my head into it.

I was so bloody lucky and came off with only very superficial burns and frazzled hair. In fact the most painful thing was the inside of my nose which was scabby for weeks.

Believe it or not I am not as thick as I sound and am actually a teacher.

I started flirting with smoking when I was 13.

It was a warm dry late Summer day and parents (keen gardeners) were out and I decided to have a cigarette in the garden. We had a very old and mature 30 foot line of pampas grass across the front of the garden, 6 foot high, gently waving in a slight balmy breeze. Pretty impressive for passing motorists to look at. I wondered how the end of one of the blooming heads would react if I gently lit it, in a controlled way with a match.

Woosh!! Flames some 15 feet by 30 feet within five seconds, black smouldering stalks and nothing left two minutes later.

I stopped smoking when I was 13.

Not me this one. I could share plenty that were me but this one with DM still makes me giggle years later.

I use a wheelchair. I was going somewhere with DM and opened the door to her when she came to pick me up

She asked if I was ready. I said yes and started out the door but she didn't follow. After a minute she stopped me and asked "where's your wheelchair?"

I was sat in it.

Oh goodness! I'm so glad I've found this thread! It's had me cry laughing.

I have a couple to add... My life is just one endless stupid moment after another - As I'm called Milly, in my friends group these moments have now been named ''Millyisms'' Haha!

I'll start off with one which was my DP.
I walked into the kitchen one day to see him shoving some sliced meat from the fridge into his mouth. I noticed the packet he was holding was 'Turkey Bacon' & proceeded to tell him it needed to be cooked before it was consumed. Que a fast run to the bathroom

Like TapDancingPimp I too have stapled my own finger - just to see if it would go through or not. It does. It hurts.

Meeting my step fathers mother for the second time, I took her to the local supermarket to pick up a couple bits of shopping. Yelling after he down the aisle ''Was it Durex you wanted??'' ... Instead of Andrex. I was mortified. Turns out she has a wicked sense of humour!

A couple years ago after moving into a new flat I was cleaning the bathroom & put some bleach down the toilet. Decided I didn't like the smell & poured another kind of bleach over the top. (I know, idiot). Half an hour later I lifted the toilet lid & no word of a lie, all this ''smoke'' whooshed out the toilet. Tears rolling down my face, coughing my lungs up, I flushed the toilet. Three hours later I was sat in A&E after unknowingly gassing myself!!

And lastly (for now), this Christmas just gone I was so organised. Writing my Christmas cards in a bit of a hurry to get them posted abroad. Sent them off. Got a message a few days later from a friend in Belgium thanking me for her card but saying she had to bin it.... I'd only gone & wrote her ex's name inside - from THREE years ago. Would of been funny but she's now engaged to another bloke who she's due to marry this year