Inheritance one - what’s morally correct

[Threebear]

My MIL 70 has just inherited 1.85M net. She was given another house when in her twenties which due to where it was in the world ended up having to be abandoned, though means she has never paid rent or mortgage in her life. She did only have 50k to her name previous to this big windfall. She doesn’t have access to a pension (mistakes in her life / living in the wrong places).

She has 2 children, 37M, 43M. The youngest has a 5yr old child (her only GC). Relationship positive with both.

37M owns a property but in reality only owns the mortgage (340k mortgage). He doesn’t struggle but retains 2 jobs at once in order to live a nice life and have a nice property.

43M is mentally ill, has never retained a proper job, cannot access many benefits where he lives and has a wife who comes from a very poor country with no career herself. They live on the breadline if not lower.

MIL has declared that she is going to keep the full inheritance for herself however will gift each child with 50k as a present.

Firstly I’m fully aware there is a huge difference in thinking between the generations. As a millennial I cannot morally understand the decision. I would never in a million years do this to my beautiful child. I’m so aware of the struggles we have had and can only imagine the struggles in his thirties to get on the property ladder. My hope is we can buy him a small property when he’s older so he can be mortgage free from starting point, all of this to be done with our own investments and money.

The moral question has actually nothing to do with money. If she had none no one would care, if she only got 100k and wanted to keep it, it wouldn’t be questionable as she needs it.

However and big however, she’s just been lumped with 1.85M tax free, and it just doesn’t compute that she believes the relationship with her children and GC will continue if she chooses to do this. The decision is hers and hers only but for anyone who believes she’s morally correct, why I ask would you think your children would ever be ok, forgive you or want to spend anytime ever again with you?

It’s hers to make, but it’s selfish without a doubt. Keeping 95% of that money for her to spend Willy nilly seems crazy while thinking she can retain a relationship with the people she has hurt in this equation.

Personally I think she deserves a nice home, a good investment portfolio but that can all be done within 1.5M no problem at all. If she shared just 350k between her 2 children she would change their lives, they would forever be incredibly grateful, and it would promote to showing how much she cares for them and for a very positive relationship until her death.

The question is simply anyone who agrees with her, are you aware of the rupture and consequent lonely rest of life you would live in your million dollar home as your kids will now likely abandon you?

thanks!

Where did you get all the research on families and generations and their attitudes to money - has someone written a handy book on the subject? Can you link to it please?

I suspect she may have her reasons for not wanting to pass on more right now. A grasping daughter-in-law, maybe?

Stand on your own two feet and be grateful with £50k - what a windfall! If you behave, you MIGHT get what’s left when she eventually dies.

I gave my children everything when they were growing up. Because I dared to refuse to lend them money/babysit/be guarantor or let them speak to me like sh!# after years of doing all of it, they have joined the no contact gang. So all the private savings, and 2 properties I worked hard to provide for them when I die are now being enjoyed by me, my husband and when we are no longer here a favourite local animal charity. OP your comment shows that your only value family members if they give you money and a lot of money. It is her inheritance to do whatever she likes with. If I was her, and I read this you wouldnt even get the 50k!!

Your scenario is the complete opposite of how OP's husband and his brother have been treated by their mother though.

It was to show that even if you do everything some kids don't appreciate it and disown parents.This mother was different but the kids still expect any money she has should be theirs or they may disown her. I had parents who worked hard and left nothing but memories but I had a lovely relationship with them both. I worked hard, made sure my kids had a good life to be nc when I didnt do what they wanted. This woman is giving away 50k in a gift yet still that is not enough. I believe it is hers to do with as she sees fit.

I don’t believe in inherited wealth.

Could she be ‘just’ giving her sons 50k each because she’s worried her grabbing DILs will spend it all?

Not the point but your user name is elite IYKYK

Don't worry she'll be dead soon and you can be a grabby so and so then.

But you literally do this with your dh. You've paid off 'your half' of stuff and watch him struggle to pay his. Sounds like he married his mother.

Would I give more than 50k each to my children in her shoes? Yes, definitely.

Would I be grateful if I was gifted 50k from my mother/ in law? Yes, definitely.

Would I “break relationship” with them for not giving me more than 50k? No, not at all.

Would I anticipate my children would break relationship with me if I didn’t give them more than 50k? No, not at all.

Neither do I, but I still won't turn it down. 😄

Mumsnet is so weird on inheritance. I'm really shocked by your MILs behaviour, the first thing I would do if I inherited that sort of money would be to support my children. She will still have more than she would ever need to live on.

I agree that parents have a moral duty to support their children since they brought them into the world.

I also think £50,000 is a generous gift and would be super grateful for it!

She's only just inherited the money. Maybe she's still figuring out how to organise it and she's happy to give away 100k without much thought but wants to see how life pans out before promising any more. She might be intending to give her children another lump sum in the next few years; who knows? You seem to be responding to the situation as though she's giving your partner 50k now and then nothing ever again.

No, it isn’t relevant, so please stop making assumptions when you know nothing about my life and what I would do with a hypothetical huge amount of money in a similar situation.

I’ve found it fucking amusing (tut tut) that OP and people like you try to take the moral high ground here because in my view the question OP is asking has nothing to do with morals, and, yes, that’s partly because of ownership but more broadly that it’s the MIL’s choice to make. And that’s where it ends.

Life is better when you focus on what YOU can change, not implicitly or explicitly wanting someone else to be something they aren’t. On that point perhaps OP can gift some of her money to help lift her BIL and his wife out of poverty.

That generation can be very odd when it comes to money.

FFS

The OP specifically stated that the worst part is that the mother hasn’t helped her mentally ill son and one would think she would ensure she sets him up with secure housing. Did you actually read her posts?

History and sociology books!

No, she didn't. OP has gone on and on about MIL's children (plural) being affected by this. OP has rarely mentioned her partner's brother.

Which ones?

Interesting comment. It betrays a complete rejection of the concept of “family” as it is commonly understood, in terms of its social purpose and function within society. That’s exactly the strange perspective which is so add odds with the common understanding amongst the vast majority of both older/ historical and younger generations and the prevailing culture in most of the rest of the world.

Most people don’t understand families to be atomised individuals who just happen to be related, or family relationships as having similar boundaries and mutual obligations or mutual support to those one would expect to prevail in a friendship. This is at odds not only with what we observe of human nature across the centuries but the behaviour we generally observe in almost all species of mammals because it conflicts with the instincts programmed by evolution. It is quite unnatural and I think that is what makes people have an innate sense that this behaviour seems “immoral”.

@LifeOnEnceladus Because I asked AI and it said - which doesn't quite line up with what you said - now I know AI isn't always correct...so what are your sources?

"Sociologists do not view Baby Boomer parents as sharing or contributing less than other generations, instead finding that they engage in substantial intergenerational support, such as childcare and wealth transfer, though shaped heavily by changing values and economic conditions."

She gave him 50k!

Fifty thousand is a very nice gift. It’s her money, and she can do what she likes. I would have done differently, but no one is entitled so anyone else’s money. 🤷‍♀️

Most people understand that family relationships are often complicated, and money is sometimes tied with this. Most people also have lived lives that haven't been sheltered and therefore can understand my first point in this post, perhaps even resonate with this.