Inheritance one - what’s morally correct

[Threebear]

My MIL 70 has just inherited 1.85M net. She was given another house when in her twenties which due to where it was in the world ended up having to be abandoned, though means she has never paid rent or mortgage in her life. She did only have 50k to her name previous to this big windfall. She doesn’t have access to a pension (mistakes in her life / living in the wrong places).

She has 2 children, 37M, 43M. The youngest has a 5yr old child (her only GC). Relationship positive with both.

37M owns a property but in reality only owns the mortgage (340k mortgage). He doesn’t struggle but retains 2 jobs at once in order to live a nice life and have a nice property.

43M is mentally ill, has never retained a proper job, cannot access many benefits where he lives and has a wife who comes from a very poor country with no career herself. They live on the breadline if not lower.

MIL has declared that she is going to keep the full inheritance for herself however will gift each child with 50k as a present.

Firstly I’m fully aware there is a huge difference in thinking between the generations. As a millennial I cannot morally understand the decision. I would never in a million years do this to my beautiful child. I’m so aware of the struggles we have had and can only imagine the struggles in his thirties to get on the property ladder. My hope is we can buy him a small property when he’s older so he can be mortgage free from starting point, all of this to be done with our own investments and money.

The moral question has actually nothing to do with money. If she had none no one would care, if she only got 100k and wanted to keep it, it wouldn’t be questionable as she needs it.

However and big however, she’s just been lumped with 1.85M tax free, and it just doesn’t compute that she believes the relationship with her children and GC will continue if she chooses to do this. The decision is hers and hers only but for anyone who believes she’s morally correct, why I ask would you think your children would ever be ok, forgive you or want to spend anytime ever again with you?

It’s hers to make, but it’s selfish without a doubt. Keeping 95% of that money for her to spend Willy nilly seems crazy while thinking she can retain a relationship with the people she has hurt in this equation.

Personally I think she deserves a nice home, a good investment portfolio but that can all be done within 1.5M no problem at all. If she shared just 350k between her 2 children she would change their lives, they would forever be incredibly grateful, and it would promote to showing how much she cares for them and for a very positive relationship until her death.

The question is simply anyone who agrees with her, are you aware of the rupture and consequent lonely rest of life you would live in your million dollar home as your kids will now likely abandon you?

thanks!

I would personally do the same for my kids.... difference being, they wouldnt expect it.

Morally you certainly don't have the high ground here. I'm astounded that you think you do or that your husband is entitled to her money

OP does say BIL is lazy and lives in a drug area

If she needs care... she will absolutely have to pay for it with that in the bank.
Especially now she's pissed her family off and not filled their pockets... can't see OP happy to go wash her bum.

Thank you for that post. It brings back something from my life.

My grandmother was a difficult person. My mum her only child. Mum supported her and cared for her dutifully in later life, despite never receiving thanks or affection for it. She stayed by her mum's deathbed for days, and later told me that she'd hoped that maybe in her last hours, her mum might give some kind of gesture or words that would indicate that she loved her. She didn't, of course

After her death, we discovered that she'd left everything to a charity that she had no connection to, and in fact had actively criticised on several occasions. Apparently she'd told the solicitor that nobody in the family needed it.

The hurt for my mum was more then a kick in the gut. It was more then not being loved , it was a deliberate action to hurt her. And she never did know why.

She also couldn't understand why, if she didn't want mum to have everything, she didn't leave it to my brother and me, who absolutely did need it. We weren't concerned with that though. Just stunned at such cruelty.

I wouldn't fall out with her but it does seem really tight. My Mum inherited £260k in her 70s (she did have a £300k property and a small private pension). She split it equally 4 ways, between herself and her 3 kids. So we all got 65k. Really helped us all out, my mum would take the shirt off her own back for her kids though. If she kept the lot I wouldn't have stopped talking to her though.

Although I can't imagine my Mum keeping nearly all of the £1.85 million the only difference would be she'd probably split it between her Grandkids too. In fact she'd probably give herself a smaller cut, she'd absolutley thrive in knowing all her children and grandchildren had comfortable lives. (Although she also knows we would all let her live with us and she'd never have to go into a nursing home)

I guess I would feel upset in your situation OP but I can't fathom my Mum sitting on such a massive pile of money either because thats not our family dynamic, we're really close and look out for each other.

I guess I just don’t agree that it’s ‘morally correct’ to bankroll your kids indefinitely. My in-laws are wealthy. They paid for my husband to go to university and private school. They gave us £10K towards a deposit and £5K towards our wedding. They took us on holiday now and again. They did not pay for my husband’s further education or our mortgage though they could easily pay it off if they wanted. They launched my husband and now it’s our responsibility. We aren’t struggling exactly but the mortgage is a massive part of our expenses and we don’t have an awful lot left after necessities but I can’t see how it could possibly be their problem to figure out. And they rewrote the will in favour of our kids so the money will (if any left after care and such) skip us altogether.

My SIL sounds like your brother in law. Very problematic life with lots of short term poorly paid jobs and bad mental and physical health. My MIL gives her money now and again so she doesn’t end up homeless but it’s more like $1000 maybe (we immigrated from the states). Just enough to keep her electricity on sort of thing as any bigger amounts of money will disappear on alcohol or something confusing. It wouldn’t help her to have £50K or £10K or anything in between. Also not exactly their responsibility (she had all the same advantages as my husband) but of course no one can predict who will end up struggling and my MIL won’t see her homeless. My FIL probably would at this point but that’s a different conversation.

Basically I can’t see how it would be morally correct for my in-laws to liquidate and give either of us any money. Why should they? We are grownups and they are enjoying their cruises and whatnot.

Blimey - at 70 your MIL won't be even remotely thinking about inheritance, I'd guess. She sounds lovely and very lucky and it's incredibly good of her to give out £50k to each of her kids. Thank your lucky stars and as for cutting her off just because you can't get your mitts on her dosh, have a good look at yourself in the mirror.

According to the posts, MIL has already 50k already to her name, no pension and no house. Firstly she needs to buy a house. I allowed a rerun of 3.5% because older people have to be cautious and this would allow also for the capital to grow with inflation. If MIL took 6 or 7 percent giving her a pretax income of up to £36k, then she burn through her money by the time she was 90. Leaving her nothing for care home fees. I really don’t think her son or DIL are going to offer to look after her in her old age! MIL’s own mother lived to 103 and that is a good indication for MIL. Some people seem to think that older people don’t need to spend money and that they don’t need holidays.

Well I would help my children but if this was my mum I wouldn’t abandon her if she kept the majority of the money for herself as our relationship is based on more than this. That’s insane unless there is more background info. I’m sure she will treat you & as other people have said….unless she blows it all you will benefit at some point.

I have some sympathy for your MIL. She had financial security (a house) and by what it sounds a comfortable upbringing, then this financial security disappeared. Who would pay for her care and old age (no pension???)? You with your ring fenced assets? the son who works two jobs? The one who is mentally unstable and lives on the breadline? Morally? Probably none of you, so this will give her the security that she didn’t have. Giving it away now will take away from that.
just because she doesn’t hand over a large amount now doesn’t mean she isn’t going to hand over smaller parts more regularly. The fact that she will not visit your house anymore because she is not handing over a large enough part of her inheritance is also quite telling. So only welcome as long as the inheritance was on the horizon?

After reading all this and knowing her I suspect it may be 😂. That or a complete lack of financial knowledge leading her to believe she needs to test life first and see how much is costs. The first she can royally f* off for, the second is much more plausible and fair of course.

For the upteenth time - I don’t care about the money, if it’s a twisted game of hers to see if her sons really love her then we’ve lost (actually won as it means goodbye forever) as we’re walking away. No interest in involving us in some sick psychological game. No loving mother does this, keep your money for the cat sanctuary I will tell her as you all propose for her. I don’t want for my DP it if it comes with control and conditions.

and just to add, this isn’t blackmail as I am not pronouncing to her NC or something. It will be a slow ghosting / once a year visit from DP and GC. No one is threatening her, she thinks all is cushty and fine because as I say she lives in the clouds as is oblivious to how unlikeable and fake she is.

WTF. 50k isn't enough but 350K between you would be? I hope she spends it all in the 10-20 years she has left. I certainly could!

For the upteenth time - I don’t care about the money

Then act like it.

Firstly I’m fully aware there is a huge difference in thinking between the generations. As a millennial…..

You are right. Totally different way of thinking from SOME grabby entitled millennials.

I got nothing from my parents from adulthood until both dad then mum died. I never expected or wanted THEIR money. Yes my home was very modest but it was mine, yes I struggled at times, but they raised me fiercely independent and proud of the home I made for myself, which is priceless and I thank them for. I encouraged them to spend and enjoy THEIR money while they could.

I would have, preferably both of, them back in a heartbeat instead.

How anyone can be upset at being gifted £50,000 is beyond me. If this is truly how you think your generation thinks then shame on you. I can tell you the millennials in mine, nieces and nephews don’t. I now understand why some people do leave their money to the cats home if they know their descendants operate this way, the disappointment and hurt that all they see is a bank must be so hurtful.

as I say she lives in the clouds as is oblivious to how unlikeable and fake she is.

Pot/kettle.

If she dropped dead tomorrow, depending on her marital status and past home ownership (which sounds complicated), the estate would be paying £340k inheritance tax and maybe more.

The moral issue here is the time you and your husband spend with MIL being directly proportional to how much money she gives him.
You don't like her but you're prepared to pretend and keep seeing her on the condition that she shells out what you think your husband deserves. You say there's cultural expectations that have made him continue seeing her but somehow they won't be such an obligation anymore if you only get £50k. That is morally rather bankrupt.

Im trying to divest as much of my wealth as I can while still likely to live longer than 7 years and maintain my own standard of living and possible future care costs. I’ve worked out the best way to do this. But if she hasn’t given her son anything, not even a birthday present, since he was 17 then no matter what she has said her actions have always spoken to who she is, and she has decided on what she wants to do and it’s either accepted or not.
I also don’t think this has anything to do with generational differences at all - millennials have not shown they are any more generous than past generations, have they? Perhaps you are confusing people expecting adults to be responsible and take care of themselves without expecting handouts as selfish? However any parent of my friends (we are boomers, so whatever generation was before us) helped with deposits and definitely my friends have helped their kids as much as possible, often providing free childcare for grandchildren etc. And your assumption that a child would ‘abandon’ their parents because they didn’t get more than £50k while their parent was still alive? Are you kidding? Who is that person? If it’s your partner then shame on them!

Oh I see, it's not about the money at all, of course.

Except that you have said 50K = being cut off, and 350K = continuing relationship.

Struggling to see how HER keeping HER OWN MONEY and yet still being generous to your DP and his brother equally is 'blackmail' when 50K is on offer, but YOU getting HER money because you fancy it and threatening to cut her off is NOT blackmail.

I really hope she withdraws this offer, and spends it on cruises, the donkey sanctuary and caviar.

I also believe inheritance skipping a generation is the way to go, I’ll wait to be attacked over it also but someone mentioned at some point :

“I hope she leaves it all to the GC so you can’t get your grabby hands on it” or something like that.

yes and yes and yes bar the grabby hands bit 😂, I would be ecstatic if she never gave us a penny and secured schooling or a house or investments for my child or any other GC. Even if she doesn’t do this, we will. If there is any money left on her death it will be going in its entirety to my child or invested for his future.

I Don’t want, am not entitled too and do not need her money upon her death in 15-30 years. I hope DP and me do well enough that neither he needs it either. My child being of family raising age WILL need it.

Thats where my moral compass lies. She shouldn’t hold on to 1.85M (total 1.9M in cash assets today), she should pass over a chunk to her children who again will pass a chunk to their children and so on it goes. Everyone who has berated me, fab for you, the only thing is clear to those that have done so is what selfish and morally incorrect parents you are and yet you believe you are right - outstanding. My partner has been broken over his life by this woman and this was a nail in the coffin.

Why even have children if these are your thoughts? It goes both ways. We didn’t pick you as our terrible mothers, you choose to have us, obligation is on you not us. Not to pay our entire lives or futures of course, but to offer some security when and if possible when life was so bloody easy for many of you and you are, importantly, sitting on millions, while this and the next and the next generation cannot even fathom buying a property or having even 1 child anymore.

Over and out.

Your figures are wildly pessimistic even for the most safe investments. I hope you're not a financial advisor.

You say MIL, but refer to her son as your partner, are you married? If not, she's not your MIL.

I know very few people who have been given a house or car. Very very few. I think at any point in history, those who receive such gifts are in the minority.

If you and your partner cut off contact with his mother over the insubstantial sum of £50k, he has no hope of being in the will for the rest and his brother will get the lot.

You, personally, are debt free. Your partner is not. Is he not part of your family in which you share assets nicely? You have two businesses doing nicely and a supportive family. He has two jobs. The equality is strong in you.

This has got to be a trit-trot-trit who is trotting over my bridge thread. I cannot believe that someone who is not married to their partner, is comfortably off, the partner is going to receive a gift of 50,000 (which is a large amount of money) is now going to block access of the grandmother to her only grandchild who is just 5 years old for her traditional 4 week a year visit because she's resentful that more money (to which she has not entitlement at all) is not being handed over to her partner.

It's unbelievable.

If there is the slightest grain of truth in any of this Festival of Rage Baiting which I now doubt, I feel so sorry for the grandmother who made a terrible mistake in letting anyone know the size of her inheritance.

If you didn't know that, you'd be cockahoop at a gift of 50,000.