Inheritance one - what’s morally correct

[Threebear]

My MIL 70 has just inherited 1.85M net. She was given another house when in her twenties which due to where it was in the world ended up having to be abandoned, though means she has never paid rent or mortgage in her life. She did only have 50k to her name previous to this big windfall. She doesn’t have access to a pension (mistakes in her life / living in the wrong places).

She has 2 children, 37M, 43M. The youngest has a 5yr old child (her only GC). Relationship positive with both.

37M owns a property but in reality only owns the mortgage (340k mortgage). He doesn’t struggle but retains 2 jobs at once in order to live a nice life and have a nice property.

43M is mentally ill, has never retained a proper job, cannot access many benefits where he lives and has a wife who comes from a very poor country with no career herself. They live on the breadline if not lower.

MIL has declared that she is going to keep the full inheritance for herself however will gift each child with 50k as a present.

Firstly I’m fully aware there is a huge difference in thinking between the generations. As a millennial I cannot morally understand the decision. I would never in a million years do this to my beautiful child. I’m so aware of the struggles we have had and can only imagine the struggles in his thirties to get on the property ladder. My hope is we can buy him a small property when he’s older so he can be mortgage free from starting point, all of this to be done with our own investments and money.

The moral question has actually nothing to do with money. If she had none no one would care, if she only got 100k and wanted to keep it, it wouldn’t be questionable as she needs it.

However and big however, she’s just been lumped with 1.85M tax free, and it just doesn’t compute that she believes the relationship with her children and GC will continue if she chooses to do this. The decision is hers and hers only but for anyone who believes she’s morally correct, why I ask would you think your children would ever be ok, forgive you or want to spend anytime ever again with you?

It’s hers to make, but it’s selfish without a doubt. Keeping 95% of that money for her to spend Willy nilly seems crazy while thinking she can retain a relationship with the people she has hurt in this equation.

Personally I think she deserves a nice home, a good investment portfolio but that can all be done within 1.5M no problem at all. If she shared just 350k between her 2 children she would change their lives, they would forever be incredibly grateful, and it would promote to showing how much she cares for them and for a very positive relationship until her death.

The question is simply anyone who agrees with her, are you aware of the rupture and consequent lonely rest of life you would live in your million dollar home as your kids will now likely abandon you?

thanks!

If you all hate each other this much then the right thing to do would be to decline the £50k and go no contact and forgot the inheritance. The more you post the more it is clear you all hate each other and have only stuck around each other for the benefits it may bring you financially one day.
you are all horrible people for wanting each others money and bitching about not being given it for free by these relatives you all seem to hate.
just get on with your lives, stand on your own two feet, enjoy life like millions of other people do who are not ever going to be anywhere near several millions of pounds to argue about.
there are also millions of people whose elderly parents are living in their family homes purchased for a small amount that are now worth a million or two. No one is asking them to downsize just to pay off their adult children’s mortgages.
you are coming across like you and your husband have spied a million pound prize and are now thinking of ways you can get it, and one of them is by emotionally blackmailing an elderly relative by not speaking to her and removing contact if she doesn’t comply.
its outrageous

But wouldn't the moral obligation be met when/if she leaves them what is in her estate at her death?

Thank you. I thought I'd read all of OP's posts, but I must have missed that

No, I am lucky to come from a much more morally correct and generous family and have received small quantities on various occasions throughout my adult life. I bought outright a small apartment with 10% down (gifted to me) in my twenties. I did a lot of work on that property, and got lucky with the market and other investments, making eventually 10x the original 10% downpayment. My DM wanted me to protect myself with a young child if we broke up and asked I find a way to prenup my investment, so I did and I believe it was good advice. My partners second income will effectively break the prenup when we eventually pay off the mortgage as per his choosing as it will equal my investment that is protected.

@Threebear i have seen the same happening in my family.

My parents, though already wealthy, got some inheritance.
They didn’t share anything with me at all, even though I’m disabled and unable to work, housebond. I’m also an only child and they claim to be ready to do anything for me….

Apparently it’s because I couldn’t have paid the inheritance tax (never mind it’s supposed to be paid from the inheritance itself)

For me, it’s them, my dad in particular, being very tight and only happy to spend money on what they deem appropriate and clearly I wasn’t a good enough investment.
Im not going to change them. I’m not looking at it from an ethical pov. I’m just thinking it reflects who they are and not in a good way. 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

It is up to you to work out how you pay for your house.

It is not 'morally correct' to expect other people to give you money.

It’s also really not normal to buy a property for your children. I think you’ve got very distorted perspectives because your parents bought you half a house and made you do a prenup, so you’ve grown up with these entitled attitudes and assume they are normal, when they’re just not.

Why wouldn't her relationships with her family continue? I wouldn't cut parents off if they chose to do this. £50k is a nice amount, and it doesn't stop her giving other gifts later if she chooses. Yes I'm aware there are huge areas where £50k wouldn't be enough for a lot of people to use as a home deposit, but it's still not insignificant if invested wisely. She may even have other people or charities she wants to give to at some point. I know I'd want to keep money for helping when disasters happen, or a local issue needs funding. In certain cases it's also sensible to see what people do with a smaller amount before giving a very large sum. I'm aware of someone who inherited a large sum in his early 40s. He just frittered his life away because he could manage on part time jobs and get rich schemes before realising the money was running out.

My parents did not buy me half a property. Read above please.

These threads always go down really badly on Mumsnet, @Threebear , as you've no doubt realised. If I received a life changing inheritance sum, my adult children would 100% benefit from it to a much greater extent than your MIL plans to do, especially since there're no tax implications. I would only not do this if there were addiction issues or if I thought they would make ridiculous decisions about the money. My own children are sensible and would buy a house/pay off mortgage and keep working. It's terribly selfish behaviour, but I expect you've been pulled apart on the thread by greedy, selfish people calling you entitled.

My Dad inherited lots when his mother died, he was already comfortable. We didn't get anything and didn't expect anything either.

There is a certain class of people who just see money and think they deserve their share when it wasn't even left to them.

All these posters saying the parent should share their inheritance with them because they deserve it or can't afford to support themselves need to grow up!

She can do what she likes but we can judge her as well - yes that is pretty bloody stingey.

She could live a very happy life on about half that amount (of less) and the rest could be transformative to her children and their families.

You can't make her do this, of course, but she should hear this from someone, if only once.

She will probably realise very soon that she is sitting on a pile of money she has no use for, while her children struggle. I think a lot of the older generation don't understand how much harder life has been financially for their children, and they think that the financial security they acheived will happen automatically for their children. Very often it won't.

@SwayzeM id agree with you if it was a one off issue. Like a really lovely woman who decides to gift some inheritance but has a great relationship with her kids.

The problem here is that she is not that. Her own son, the OP’s DP, has had issues with her BEFORE all this happened.
The keeping everything for herself is just another dent in an already fractured relationship. That’s why it hurt the DP so much. That’s why theyre saying now no more 4 weeks stay. It’s the meaning that not sharing that money has.

It’s similar to my dad having a very fractured relationship with his own dad. When my grandfather died, it appeared he had written his will in such a way that nothimg was left to both of his dcs. As it happens it didn’t happen because the law where they all lived doesn’t allow it. But my dad felt it was kick in the teeth from beyind tye grave. One more shitty, hurtful thing his dad did.

I find it crazy the OP is banging on about being 'morally correct' while coming across in every one of her posts like a thoroughly unpleasant person living with a snivelling weasel of a partner.

You can of course think it unfair that your partner's mum doesn't give him a bigger share of her money, and you can dislike her for being a terrible parent. But all this because you've decided what parents MUST do for their children is pretty bizarre.

My mum would give me and my sister a big share of anything she received, my dad wouldn't because we'd be getting our share when he died. Neither are right or wrong. I think I'd be more like my mum, but who knows?

So you are saying her relationship with her family is transactional and if she doesn't cough up then that's it? No more relationship?
How very grubby. And also grabby.

I think MIL is in the wrong here.

It’s selfish of her not to want to help her children out and quite unmaternal.

As always with these threads, it isnt about money at all.

It's about a selfish mother reneging on promises and showing that her kids feelings dont matter to her.

It could be ten pounds or ten million pounds, the amount is irrelevant, its what it represents. @Threebear 's DH has done what a lot of people with parents like this do, he has held on to the hope that one day she will show that she actually does care about him and his sibling. And yet again, he has been hurt when she has shown that she doesnt.

50K not adequate?

How can you have a prenup if you're not married?

No, not with £1.85 m windfall

I can imagine the elderly ladies will reading now… ‘I was going to leave you all a share of my inheritance, as you know I inherited a lot of money from my mother. I decided to invest it and grow this into a sizeable sum, as both my children are not very good with money and I fear it would have been squandered. I spent a long time with not much and my own mother not supporting me, and after inheriting this money, I decided I would make sure that it was protected for generations. However, since you both stopped talking to me, and clearly hate me, and decided not to visit me when I am old and frail, and I have been bad mouthed and ostracised… I have now decided to leave this all to the local cat sanctuary. ‘

I think it’s also in very big part, cultural.

The U.K. is VERY individualist. As seen in many threads on here. Looking after yourself first and doing as you please is seen as the norm.
It’s not the case everywhere and tge OP is clear that it’s not the case where she lives. So the MIL behaviour deviates from ‘the norm’ there.

However, I do think that if you claim to love your dcs, be close to them etc…, you’d want to help them. Esp if you know theyre struggling themselves.
And that’s the question from the OP. Not the child/DP expecting a share of what isnt theirs. But if you were in the shoes of the MIL, wouldn’t you share?

Well you're just greedy aren't you...
She may have care to pay for at some point.
And if not they'll get it when she's dead.

I’m 60 and no longer have a mortgage. If I inherited that much, a huge chunk of it would go to my DC and another huge chunk to charity. DH and I already have enough for our needs at a tiny fraction of that. She is very greedy.

I can't understand not wanting to help out your child to if you had the means to. Why would you not want to see that happen whilst you were alive, rather than just assuming it will happen when you are dead. That amount of money will give the MIL a fantastic life with money spare that could also pay for her children's houses which would vastly improve their quality of life, and lower their stress. Personally, it would be a dream to be able to do that for my children and would give me such a sense of happiness, far more than hundreds of holidays.