How do you share money with your OH, DH or DW? Feeling stressed!

[owltrousers]

Hello! :)

I live with my DH in a rented house, I earn 16k a year and he earns 18k.

We have our own bank accounts that we get our wages paid into and then we have a joint bank account where all our bills come out. We share everything 50/50, food shopping, rent, electric and gas, dog walker fees, netfix - the lot.

We also both have phone bills and loan repayments but they both come out of our personal accounts as they are personal bills.

Lately I've had to borrow money from DH on a few occasions, usually for transport costs to work (I liftshare) or misc boring things. I also borrowed £80 from our wedding money about 6 months ago after receiving a threatening letter about a debt (since paid off) and have been gradually paying it back in £5 increments.

At the end of each month I am barely surviving by the skin of my teeth, DH doesn't do much better but usually has £100-£200 left over.

I am 10 weeks pregnant at the moment and feeling a bit pressured by the money situation and his reminders to pay him back what I borrowed.

Is DH being stingy here, are we doing things fairly? How to do you share money with your OH?

We have everything completely joint, with both of us having complete access to funds.

This was our arrangement both when I was a SAHM and when I was working full time.

We don't have his money and my money we just have "money".

We do discuss and agree every out of the ordinary purchase though.

We have no separate money at all. We do have separate accounts as we haven't bothered to open a joint yet, but both have access to the online banking on the iPad for each.
I am 36 weeks pregnant and solely relying on his earnings at the moment whilst I wait for my maternity allowance to start. If I need money for anything I just take it from his account and he would never begrudge me doing that. Seems pointless to do this whole 'you owe me this'. I've overheard friends who have been together yonks and own a house telling each other that they owe the other a tenner. Seems mad.

Oh though I should add larger purchases of £50+ are discussed unless it's a bill/food shopping etc

All if our money is joint. I'm a SAHM now but it has been the same since we moved in together at 21, always just 'our money'. I simply can't conceive of a set up where one half of a couple (serious relationship/with kids/married etc)is better off than the other or owes the other money. It just wouldn't work for us.

The money from dh job & my business & rental properties all goes in to joint current & savings accounts and we can both spend what we need, the only time we discuss a spend is if it's over 1k.

Your dh only earns 2k more than you a year, which isn't a massive amount so I don't know if his stingy as his not sitting on a mountain of money but something with your finances clearly isn't working.

How do you manage with money? Would you say you are careful?
Why do you struggle each month? Is it something particular pushing you over every month?

Have the two of you thought about putting all money in to joint accounts? imo it's the easiest way

You get equal spends for the month, that is after everything is paid for including the DC needs.

If you both have debts they need to be paid off somehow. You are married and having a child together you need to work as a unit over your finances.

We have a joint account where all income goes and everything 'family' related comes out of there- bills, mobiles, baby stuff, car expenses. We also put an (equal) amount into each of our solo accounts so we can buy original own clothes etc. money left over stays in the joint account as a buffer.

@PinkHeart5911 thanks for your reply.

Things are very tight for us. Our rent is £805 a month all together and all of outgoings are quite expensive. We are very careful with money because we have to be, we just don't have enough to stretch sometimes!

Algebraic I've got friends who do that too. I heard a friend talking to her husband saying he still owed her for his half of their dd's birthday presents. Just seems like a pita!

How are you going to cope when you have a baby? How are the finances going to be split then and going forward? Also if things are tight now they won't get better when you factor in expenses of having a baby

As you're pregnant, have you worked out how you're going to afford mat leave with money being so tight currently?
Our finances are completely joint which works for us, but I think the general principle should be that you both have equal spending money at the end of each month.

We have a similar arrangement to yours except that we pay into it in proportion to our incomes. We used to pay equal amounts when our earning potential was more equal however I closed my own business and took a more family friendly job before we had children and DH got a much better paid job at the same time so now he takes home roughly double my take home pay, so he pays in twice as much as I do to the joint account.

I'll be on maternity leave soon for our second child and will take a career break following that as two in nursery and work travel costs would more than wipe out my pay. When my income drops, he'll pay into the joint account and my personal account too, so we'll both have some money that we can spend on indulging ourselves without worrying if the other would consider our purchase not good value.

Our funds are joint across the board..my oh earns 3 x what I have coming in. We discuss if there's a big purchase needed.
You may need to revisit your finances to sort things out.. dog walking fees?? Somethings have to change or your going to be up against it when lo come along.

Re - people asking about the baby. It won't be easy I admit, but I'm 30 and have gynae issues. We were told not to wait if we wanted children - so here we are.

One saving grace is a big loan I have been paying off since 2013 is due its last payment this month, so that will give us a little breathing room.

@Notreallyhappy

We both work full time and walk our dog after work but keeping her in the house all day is not fair, so we hire a dog walker 3 times a week. This will obviously stop once I'm on mat leave as I'll take her myself.

We have separate accounts still, with various individual savings accounts, but we have a big budget spreadsheet and a certain amount budgeted for personal spending. All our collective money from ALL these accounts except our personal spending ones is added up and distributed to the different 'pots' in the budget, including a personal spending pot.

We each earn money from the personal spending pot by tallying up how much housework and household admin we've done each month. The only exception is that if DH does overtime, those hours also count as housework (as he's unable to do housework in that time and is working anyway, so it's also to our mutual benefit) and are paid out of personal spending at the same rate. I'm sort of half-studying and half-working at the moment and rarely do a full working week with those combined, but when I'm back to full-time study or work, overtime will be counted just as his is.

Also just about everything is covered by the joint pots in the budget. Clothing, haircuts, medical expenses, food, eating out (together), gifts to family members, etc. It leaves our personal savings for very specific things for ourselves that have little to do with the other person. E.g. DH buys cigarettes and I saved up for a piano.

Dixie you have to earn money by doing housework?? I can't get my head round that one!

We both pay money into a joint account - covers all bills mortgage etc. DH pays for shopping. The dog insurance is on my account. We spend the rest as we like. I guess we take it in turns to buy meals out etc.

For some reason I really don't like the idea of not having my own account.

owltrousers when I asked about the baby it wasn't a criticism about your choice to have a baby, it was just a genuine question about mat leave. If between you you only have £200 ish left after bills are paid currently it would probably be a good idea to not see that as personal spends, but to put it into savings for mat leave.

I don't like the idea of earning money by doing housework though!

@Ecureuil Sorry, I wasn't being arsy! I just genuinely haven't sat down and worked out all the finances yet, a lot will change before then hopefully to our advantage, but you are right - we need to check things over! Bit scared about it to be honest.

I'm also pregnant with my first and my DH and I have completely shared finances. We were engaged and had just bought our first house when we decided to do this.

We find it easier. We discuss any big purchases but otherwise both do what we like. We're both quite good with money and spend similar amounts so it works for us. DH is the higher earner but we share all money.

If we still had separate finances we would have had to reassess our arrangement before baby arrives as it wouldn't have been feasible with my year of mat leave (part unpaid) and probably returning on a part-time basis.

I've never been able to understand the separate money thing once you are married or in a long term relationship with commitments like a mortgage or a baby unless one of you is a complete spendthrift and can't be trusted with money. Then you probably have no choice but to limit that persons access to the portion of the income required to pay all the bills.

All money is our money, whoever earns it. It has always been like this. Everything comes out of joint money whether its food or presents or holidays.
I'm sorry but I wouldn't like someone reminding me I owed him money when I was carrying his child.

We have our own bank accounts and a joint billing account. Dh is self employed and usually earns at least £10k more than me so I pay in £500 pcm and he pays in £800.

Having said that, if I'm a bit skint (like this month) he transfers me some extra (£200 this month) and he always pays if we go out/get a takeaway etc.

I take home £1500 and have about £200 in outgoings each month he has a lot more than I do but pays £300 per month into a joint savings account. I usually pay in about £50 to that. It works for us.

I've just tried to speak to DH about this... suggesting we combine our incomes into one account, pay all of our bills out of it and then give ourselves an allowance of say £100 each a month.

He was not impressed, asked why he should give me some of his personal money. Then went on to say because he has a £3000 overdraft we should count it as us earning the same every month. When I pointed out I have over 8k in debts I pay every month so by that token I have even less he didn't like it...

I am fuming. How do I get him to see sense and grow up!?