How do you share money with your OH, DH or DW? Feeling stressed!

[owltrousers]

Hello! :)

I live with my DH in a rented house, I earn 16k a year and he earns 18k.

We have our own bank accounts that we get our wages paid into and then we have a joint bank account where all our bills come out. We share everything 50/50, food shopping, rent, electric and gas, dog walker fees, netfix - the lot.

We also both have phone bills and loan repayments but they both come out of our personal accounts as they are personal bills.

Lately I've had to borrow money from DH on a few occasions, usually for transport costs to work (I liftshare) or misc boring things. I also borrowed £80 from our wedding money about 6 months ago after receiving a threatening letter about a debt (since paid off) and have been gradually paying it back in £5 increments.

At the end of each month I am barely surviving by the skin of my teeth, DH doesn't do much better but usually has £100-£200 left over.

I am 10 weeks pregnant at the moment and feeling a bit pressured by the money situation and his reminders to pay him back what I borrowed.

Is DH being stingy here, are we doing things fairly? How to do you share money with your OH?

We just do joint money. DH used to be main earner, now it's me. So it's evened out, but we shared everything as soon as we got married.

Hi,

We pool our money together in our joint account. We leave money in there to pay the direct debits and put so much in a spending account to cover food, fuel and our £50 each/week pocket money. We put the rest in the savings account.
I earn more than DH but I have been part time (after children) for ten years. I have only just returned full time a year ago.

We pay everything into a joint account, all bills come out of it. We then pay a set amount into savings accounts.
When my dh and I first met we had separate accounts but we'd work it out so that we each had the same amounts after. I earned a lot more than him at the time but we decided we were a unit. Since then, I've been made redundant and we've had a disabled child, so now I don't work, we still do the same thing.
For a relationship to work you need to be on the same page.

Op please google financial abuse. My ex was like this when I got pregnant and it escalated pretty quickly once on Mat leave and then through the rest of our marriage. You really should not be short because you are expecting his child.

Please please google it and at least be aware. I might be wrong but it's worth a five minute look at least.

If you're committed sufficiently to have a child together your finances should be entirely shared. There is no room for his or mine in a family.
When we were struggling after I gave up work for a while, my husband found additional work and we moved to allow my husband's promotion. You need to work together to balance the books.
Also harsh but get rid of the dog. It's a luxury you can't afford.

All our money goes into a pot, we don't really have money left over though for spending on nice things but if we do we generally take it in turns to buy something nice for ourselves.

My husband and I have one bank account and credit cards. Despite me earning 10k more than him, all our money goes into one pot and the debt culminated over the years is ours. Whilst I would say that I hold the purse strings (simply because I organise the finances, pay the bills, etc) I still discuss the majority of purchases with him. He's a good sounding board and we make the decisions together. I couldn't be dealing with the idea of his money and mine...I reckon it would just complicate the daily running of the households/family x

Oh and I disagree with getting rid of the dog. You made a commitment, he/she should be part of the family and an animal should be for life. Work around it.

Once you are a family unit you really need all your joint income to be pooled for it to work longterm. You're both becoming parents and one or both of you will be making major changes to your working life for the next several years. Even if you both go back to full time work there will be substantial childcare costs and if one of you becomes a SAHP then you will have a very reduced income for several years. You will both be contributing valuably to the family, but the financial part will be uneven and that's just how it is.

As you are only 10 weeks pg your DH may need a little more time to adjust to the new reality. Do you have friends who are already parents (Dads preferably) who could gently explain the reality of family life and finance to your DH?

Combine your incomes and make a VERY detailed budget. Then stick to it!

It's hard to make yourself do it, I know, but print out 2-3 months of bank statements each and literally sit down and tally up ALL of your monthly expenditures into essential bills, travel/work costs, groceries, savings, and luxuries. Then you will have a much clearer picture of how you can share your finances - and being open about them is the first step!

We always had separate money and split everything exactly 50/50 so had situations where one of us owed the other. This worked for us until after DS was born and I was on mat leave and then went part time at work. I realised it wasn't fair for just me to be skint because my earnings had gone down due to looking after OUR child. So now everything is pooled together.

How does HE expect you pay 50% of bills when you're on mat leave?

Ps, separate accounts are fine. But when you have a baby, you need to share the costs of everything, and split what is left equally between you. He needs to learn to share and not be selfish.

Everything should be equal in my opinion but for some families and couples it doesn't end that way. I know how you feel. I think the amount your both earning is irrelevant, i Think if one of you is low on funds one month regardless of how much you earn them you should be able to lend money off each other without the pressure of 'you owe it me back'
I'm at SAHM because paying childcare and me working just wouldn't work out so it means I have none of my own working wages. I hate and I mean absolutely hate asking my DH for money and I feel guilty for it. I don't have access to his wages or his bank account and he will give me money here and there. We get some child tax credits which I spend in bills so I don't actually have any money left over to spend on fun things or new clothes or anything.

I'm a bit confused OP. At the moment, you split everything 50/50 (apart from debt) and what is left over is your own money. With the leftover money, you pay off your debts and he has spending money as he isn't paying off any loans. Have I got that right? (I'm honestly not criticising, I just want to make sure I understand what you're saying).

How are you paying your share? Do you pay it into his bank and then the rent and bills come out of there, or you you literally have a direct debit each for half the amount?

What you have now suggested is that everything goes into a joint account and then you take £100 pocket money each. At the moment, he has ~£200 and you have ~£0, so he is seeing that he is handing over half his leftover money, and paying a share of your debts.

If I've got this all right, I can see why he's a bit hesitant. Joint finances don't work for everyone. Hopefully once your big debt is paid off, you'll have a clearer picture of how much you have available every month. Have you checked if you will be entitled to tax credits when you have the baby? You will definitely get child benefit, which easily covers nappies and bits and pieces, so that will help.