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Original poster

How do you share money with your OH, DH or DW? Feeling stressed!

65 replies

owltrousers · 22/06/2017 14:37

Hello! :)

I live with my DH in a rented house, I earn 16k a year and he earns 18k.

We have our own bank accounts that we get our wages paid into and then we have a joint bank account where all our bills come out. We share everything 50/50, food shopping, rent, electric and gas, dog walker fees, netfix - the lot.

We also both have phone bills and loan repayments but they both come out of our personal accounts as they are personal bills.

Lately I've had to borrow money from DH on a few occasions, usually for transport costs to work (I liftshare) or misc boring things. I also borrowed £80 from our wedding money about 6 months ago after receiving a threatening letter about a debt (since paid off) and have been gradually paying it back in £5 increments.

At the end of each month I am barely surviving by the skin of my teeth, DH doesn't do much better but usually has £100-£200 left over.

I am 10 weeks pregnant at the moment and feeling a bit pressured by the money situation and his reminders to pay him back what I borrowed.

Is DH being stingy here, are we doing things fairly? How to do you share money with your OH?

OP posts:
RebelRogue · 22/06/2017 16:39

Were the debts accrued while you were with him or before? If when you were with him,is it because you struggled to keep up with bills,food,stuff you did together or stuff for yourself?
If you think about it,he only earns about 166 pounds more than you a month. How much of a difference would half of that make to your budget?

InDubiousBattle · 22/06/2017 16:41

Why should he give you some of his personal money? How about because you're carrying his baby and are about to become a family. What an arsehole.

kath6144 · 22/06/2017 16:41

I think you should have tried that before having a baby with him. Having a family together is a massive commitment, his money isn't personal money, its family money once you have DC together.

What happens when you go on Mat leave and have very little compated to him, do you starve compared to him. It happens, plenty of examples on MN.

What happens if you have a sick or disabled child and cant work for a while?

Maybe sit him down and ask him if he realises you are a family, or soon will be, ask him why he thinks its his personal money, not joint?

Ecureuil · 22/06/2017 16:42

If you lost your job would be make you starve because he won't give you any of his personal money?

Carley27 · 22/06/2017 16:44

Oh dear, sorry OP.

Have you and your DH discussed what will happen once baby arrives?

Original poster
owltrousers · 22/06/2017 16:44

@RebelRogue they were all before I met him, they're all 4-5 years old and I have been paying them off for years - I went through a period of trying to live in London and things didn't work out, hence the debts.

Since I've been with him I just have a basic bank account and live within my means.

OP posts:
Original poster
owltrousers · 22/06/2017 16:45

@Ecureuil Actually I did lose my job while I was with him, he made me 'owe' him all the money I had to borrow for my share of rent and bills in that time (about 3 weeks) Confused

OP posts:
ChocChocPorridge · 22/06/2017 16:47

When we started out it was alternate paying, and having a pot we both put into for bills and such. But very quickly we just had 'money' - and especially once there were kids.

DP has as much access as he can be bothered with - and he's a lazy toad so that really means I issue him with a credit card and a cash point card, and tell him if he's spent a bit much/he asks and we discuss if he wants to buy something big.

JigsawBat · 22/06/2017 16:47

All of our money is separate. We don't do joint bank accounts. We used to contribute 50/50 to the household bills, but since having DD my DH takes care of all household bills whilst I pay everything for her. Works out roughly equal, but nobody's counting pennies (except when it comes to buying items like toilet roll and washing tablets!)

ChocChocPorridge · 22/06/2017 16:48

You need to figure this out now - how is this being dealt with when the baby comes? How are you paying for childcare/clothes/everything else together?

arsenicistheanswer · 22/06/2017 16:52

We've had completely shared finances since we bought our first flat together 30 years ago. At first I earned more than DH but he now earns 20 times my salary. However we both contribute equally ifyswim because I do my bit in areas he can't and he certainly couldn't do his job without my support.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 22/06/2017 17:02

We pool everything. I earn more than DH now, but in the past we earned about the same. We have had joint accounts since very early in our relationship and there is no loaning of money, it's just all there for whichever of us needs it and we don't need to justify expenditure. For larger items like appliances, we discuss them, but for day to day stuff it's there to be used.

lazydog · 22/06/2017 17:03

We just combine our money. All goes into one joint account, then the necessary amount to cover mortgage, etc., gets transferred to another joint account (to stop either of us from mistaking it as available for spending) and then we both spend whatever/whenever from what's left in the first account. DH earns much more than I do but all money is considered ours equally.

lemonory · 22/06/2017 17:32

We have separate accounts, but Dh pays for most things like mortgage and bills, as he has a much higher income. He transfers a lump sum to my account on an ad-hoc basis which I use to pay for family things. We never really owe each other money or justify expenses. It works for us as we never argue about money at all.

DixieFlatline · 22/06/2017 17:36

Dixie you have to earn money by doing housework?? I can't get my head round that one!

I don't like the idea of earning money by doing housework though!

It was my idea. It means that there if either of us is a lazy arsehole that doesn't pull their weight, we get less money than the person picking up the slack.

DixieFlatline · 22/06/2017 17:36

-there, obviously

ineedaholidaynow · 22/06/2017 17:55

OP you need to check what is going to happen when you are on maternity leave. Will he expect you to pay him back anything you spend when you are not earning and will he think any money spent on baby stuff is family money or your responsibility?

Ellisandra · 22/06/2017 19:53

You really should have had a full discussion and agreement about how to manage maternity leave (and beyond) before deciding to get pregnant. Oh dear. You need to discuss that urgently now.

That's far more pressing than the next 6 months of him have £100 more than you.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 22/06/2017 20:09

We did the 50/50 prior to marriage, I'd not have a joint account with someone other than a spouse.

With those debts, full outgoings and no extra to cover maternity or childcare maybe the blasé attitude of not looking at finances first was a very poor choice.

Ellisandra · 22/06/2017 20:21

Does the end of your big loan next month mean that your £8K debt is paid off now?
Or is that in addition to your loan?

Honestly, even though having a child together would usually make me say you're now one financial unit, I don't see why he should pay towards your debt from before him. And vice versa if that £3K overdraft was from before you (or spunked on crap for him).

Why do you have a wedding fund to borrow £80 from when you both are in debt?

How do you plan to manage when the baby arrives? Even if he isn't an arse expecting you to pay half of everything and look after a baby, how is he going to pay £800 in rent on his own?! I hope you have a good maternity package and low cost childcare Shock

You must get this agreed with him.

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/06/2017 20:53

It's a small problem now but what does he expect to happen when you are on Mat leave? Are you going to 'owe' him then?

He's selfish. And while I totally get the decision to get pregnant, I think the man may be the wrong decision.

somewhereovertherain · 22/06/2017 20:57

We both attempt to piss into the same pot. Some times pot is missing.
But everything on one pot. Works for us.

FrancesHaHa · 22/06/2017 20:59

We have the same set up as you in terms of accounts, but put in different amounts every month depending on our income at that time, so we both have the same amount of our wages left in our own account after we have transferred the money.

When on maternity leave DP paid all bills (including using savings to top up) and I kept maternity pay for my living expenses and day to day costs for the baby.

Our main rationale is that we should both have the same disposable income, not accounting for individual bills such as phones etc

Original poster
owltrousers · 22/06/2017 21:09

@Elissandra I don't expect him to pay my old debts, you must have misunderstood me. I just want him to see my debts as equal to his in terms of us both having outgoings.
The wedding money was gift money that we have left over from presents.

I agree, we need to sit down and work all the money out, so thank you for pushing that. I have been burrying my head in the sad thus far, probably the shock of getting pregnant so (unexpectedly) easily.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 22/06/2017 21:20

I paid off some debt of DH's and he puts more money into the shared pot. We've earned different amounts at various times.

At some point you have to decide if you want to have a shared life, which includes finances. Otherwise someone's eating bread while the other has lobster and that's not a partnership.