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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

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Original poster

Things people said/did after you miscarried that upset you

60 replies

Conundrum12345 · 20/11/2021 18:20

I miscarried in April and had a very long, hard physical and mental road to recovery. I've really thought lately about how people were around me, and how peoples behaviour made me feel worse. What are yours? Mine are

  • family who didn't acknowledge
  • the pity head tilt but not saying anything
  • people who constantly talked about their babies to you when then know about your loss/ people oversharing in whatsapp
  • saying "you can go again"
  • saying "there will be another one"
-saying "at least you can get pregnant"
OP posts:
Duckerbizzle · 21/11/2021 10:22

I'm so sorry for your loss.
Mine was bizarre, I'd shut myself away for a while and my friend was in touch worried about me. She kept saying she wanted to take me out for a bit as it would do me good. In the end I agreed and we went for something to eat at a little cafe. Within a few minutes she started talking about pregnancy for some reason, and told the story of what happened when she found out she was pregnant! (Successful pregnancy) I was so confused as to why she thought it was an appropriate time to bring all this up and I sat there trying not to cry. I still think about that day from time to time and just can't understand why she started going on about pregnancy. I came home feeling much worse and wishing I'd never agreed to go!

Original poster
Conundrum12345 · 21/11/2021 10:58

@Duckerbizzle

I'm so sorry for your loss. Mine was bizarre, I'd shut myself away for a while and my friend was in touch worried about me. She kept saying she wanted to take me out for a bit as it would do me good. In the end I agreed and we went for something to eat at a little cafe. Within a few minutes she started talking about pregnancy for some reason, and told the story of what happened when she found out she was pregnant! (Successful pregnancy) I was so confused as to why she thought it was an appropriate time to bring all this up and I sat there trying not to cry. I still think about that day from time to time and just can't understand why she started going on about pregnancy. I came home feeling much worse and wishing I'd never agreed to go!
I'm so sorry for your loss. I always remember the friend who was one of the worst. She has told me how her and her OH struggles for 2 years ttc, and during that time she found it so hard, couldn't look or hold babies etc.

She had a healthy baby girl and was honestly one of the worst people to be around. Constant baby pics on WhatsApp group and talking about her baby constantly in my presence, when it was clear how visibly upset I was

OP posts:
MauraandLaura · 21/11/2021 11:07

"dont feel like you have let me down'

My MIL, literally as I walked out the Drs room at the hospital after being told I was having an ectopic pregnancy.

Hoppinggreen · 21/11/2021 11:09

I am sorry for your loss. I think the worst things people said to me were
You can try again
It wasn’t meant to be
There must have been something wrong with it
I wonder if it was something you did?

noblegreenk · 21/11/2021 11:13

I had chemical pregnancy. Strong positive test result on the Sunday and started bleeding the following Saturday. Saw an out of hours GP who said "I know you're upset but you need to put it to the back of your mind as you weren't even properly pregnant to begin with". I still can't believe how callous he was. Absolute prick.

Splann · 21/11/2021 11:14

Sorry for your loss op, I had a mc 7 years ago and the thought of it can still stop me in my tracks.

The unhelpful things people said still rankle!

MIL said she thought she too might have had a miscarriage back in the day as she had a late period followed by a heavy one. Erm thanks mil I think I might have coped with that a little better (I mc at 14 weeks and had surgical management). She also told my DH not to tell his sister as she didn’t want her upsetting. Nice!

My own mum told me that it was probably for the best as the baby was obviously damaged in some way. She asked me if I’d done anything silly to cause it Shock so I didn’t do it again if I got pregnant again. Thanks Mum!

A friend of mine had told me the week before it happened that she couldn’t cope talking to another friend of hers who had mc recently as she felt like she was wallowing in it. I didn’t see that friend for a long time after and still think of her comment when I see her (at arms length!) I’m sure she would have thought I was wallowing as I was heartbroken by it.

Coming on here sometimes feels like therapy!

BlackCatTabbyCat · 21/11/2021 11:14

I was told it was for the best as my ex was an arsehole. He is but doesn't mean I should have miscarried!

I'm not sure whether to post this one in case it offends anyone but was also told its a blessing as it was probably (horrible word beginning with R to describe disabled people Sad).

Dozer · 21/11/2021 11:15

V sorry.

Miscarriage Association used to have a great ‘what not to say’ webpage/leaflet.

PleaseGoDontGoAgain · 21/11/2021 11:16

It wasn't meant to be.
You can try again.
Try to stay busy.

All said while I was still bleeding, still experiencing milk 'coming in' the strange hormonal feeling when your body thinks you should be feeding a baby so you feel you should be doing something and your boobs are hurting. I knew I should be busy and did'nt need to be told

Scottishskifun · 21/11/2021 11:19

I had trauma associated with mine due to heamoraging and a very painful emergency procedure done with only gas and air "due to covid no anaesthetic was possible"

The worst ones were a toss up between a letter from DH Granny on my DS birthday a few weeks later telling me it wasn't meant to be and was for the best. She's a retired medical professional so I could understand it but she wasn't even supposed to know about the pregnancy so MIL had felt the need to use it as news.
Followed by MIL telling us that she had been comforted by her friends for her loss and how upsetting it had all been for her..... 🙄

Mammyofasuperbaby · 21/11/2021 11:25

I'm so sorry for your loss, I've been there 3 times and it still hurts.
Mil blamed me for my first one, saying I must have done something wrong and she's a massive grief thief. Apparently losing 3 grandchildren she didn't even know about till they were gone is worse than me losing the babies I was carrying.
Also being told that I should be fine as I already had a child, as if one child can replace another

Original poster
Conundrum12345 · 21/11/2021 11:26

I think awareness is totally lacking in regards of what people say to people who have experienced miscarriage.

OP posts:
Eyesofdisarray · 21/11/2021 11:27

"Ah well at least it was only 8 weeks"
"Probably something wrong with it, especially at your age" 😳
" was it planned? Oh not the miscarriage of course" 😡

Eyesofdisarray · 21/11/2021 11:28

People just don't think or if they do they think it doesn't matter.

AngelsWithSilverWings · 21/11/2021 11:29

A lot of the above plus a women from my mother in law's church who despite never meeting me decided to write a "sympathy letter".

I'm sure she meant well but the letter was two pages detailing every single one of her own miscarriages and the names of all of her lost babies. She told me to name my baby and keep taking about it. She also talked a lot about Gods will even though i'm an atheist.

That was the complete opposite to how I wanted to grieve. I had never allowed myself to think of my pregnancy in terms of a baby as after 8 years of TTC and four unsuccessful IVF cycles I needed to protect myself from the disappointment.

The loss of my pregnancy at 8 weeks was traumatic enough without all of the extra grief she was trying to project onto me.

I probably sound a bit callous towards her but that letter upset me greatly.

Eyesofdisarray · 21/11/2021 11:31

OP I'm sorry not to have offered my condolences- going on about myself 😔
Hope you feel better soon xx

Superfoodie123 · 21/11/2021 11:32

My friend telling me about all her other friends who were pregnant, I don't know them and didn't need to know. My friend said 'your time will come'. She meant it in the nicest way but it didn't sit right. My time had come, there was a baby in my body, and then there wasn't.

LawnFever · 21/11/2021 11:33

My two worst were both health care professionals.

At my 12 week scan that had just discovered a mmc, following my second (and last) round of ivf - ‘there will be other chances’

The next day, having as instructed not gone to appointment with consultant re ivf pregnancy because of mmc - phone call from their office asking why I’d not gone to the appointment Angry

Bollindger · 21/11/2021 11:35

Find a phrase to stop people talking about it.
Something like, hold up your hand palm towards the person and say can we just change the subject.
Then say so what are you doing for Xmas.

Cheeseycheeseycheesecheese · 21/11/2021 11:36

A lot of what already been said here, from my mum.
The one that sticks with me the most was, dh couldn't get the time off work to take me to the early pregnancy unit to have a scan. So mum took me, I was quite tearful on the way there and she said "it's not a real baby yet, it's just cells"
Dh and I had been struggling to conceive for 3 years, that was my 4th miscarriage after a string of chemical pregnancies.
She is one of those women who prides herself on being "no nonsense" about emotive subjects, she's a brilliant woman and my best friend, but she's also thoughtless in her reactions to highly charged emotional subjects.

Hoppinggreen · 21/11/2021 11:40

Oh God yes, the HC professionals
“There’s no heartbeat, nothing we can do, go home and let nature take it’s course. If it gets too much you can put an old towel underneath you and take a couple of paracetamol for the pain”
I went Private for my D&C and was in a lovely private room surrounded by incredibly kind and compassionate Drs and Nurses within hours. One nurse kept me company for most of the night.
In fact when I got the news about my baby I had to walk out of the EPAU past all the couples coming out of their 20 week scans with their photos of their baby. I actually ended up in a position to influence the Hospital and managed to get this changed

vampirethriller · 21/11/2021 11:45

After my 10th, a woman I thought was my best friend told me I was over thinking it, and that chemical pregnancies happen to a huge number of women (they do, mine were not chemicals) and then went on to tell me that I'd never be able to understand how heartbreaking it was to not be able to get pregnant with a third baby, when it was so easy with the first two. She was having her third.

Courtier · 21/11/2021 11:45

Cans I ask what you all think would've been a good thing to say/way to handle it? Do not want to make any of my friends feel as you have. It's an awful experience to go through ❤️

LindaEllen · 21/11/2021 11:47

My best friend at the time (who had 3 kids herself, she was older than me) just shrugged and said oh well you'll have more.

It was a really strange time for me though - I was young, I didn't want a baby, it wasn't planned, I'd split from the father just before I found out. I was umming and ahhing about a termination .. but when I went for the 12 week scan I just suddenly knew I was going to see my little baby on the screen, that I'd love it, and that I really, really wanted it, regardless of current circumstances.

No heartbeat.

It was so tough because not only did I feel loss, but I felt tremendous guilt - almost as if it knew I hadn't wanted it, so it hadn't bothered.

My friend knew I'd been thinking about an abortion so I think she just assumed I'd be happy at the outcome.

The whole experience fucked me up for years.

Hystericaluterus · 21/11/2021 11:51

I think the worst thing is to say nothing.

I had a mmc with heavy bleeding, blue lighted to hospital etc.

Some of the things that people said were far from perfect, but I never really felt able on my heart to be mad at them for it. It’s hard to know what to say and at least they tried.