Things people said/did after you miscarried that upset you

[Conundrum12345]

I miscarried in April and had a very long, hard physical and mental road to recovery. I've really thought lately about how people were around me, and how peoples behaviour made me feel worse. What are yours? Mine are

• family who didn't acknowledge
• the pity head tilt but not saying anything
• people who constantly talked about their babies to you when then know about your loss/ people oversharing in whatsapp
• saying "you can go again"
• saying "there will be another one"

-saying "at least you can get pregnant"

I had the usual "you can try again" etc. But the worst was when I returned to work afterwards, the senior manager said "you had a miscarriage, didn't you?" which I confirmed. She replied "well it's not like it was a planned pregnancy, was it?" and walked off.

The worst part was I was a midwife, she was the head of midwifery. With an attitude like that she had no business being near a maternity unit.

I have had my girl baby name picked for years and it’s common knowledge in our family. I was pregnant at the same time as my SIL but sadly had my second miscarriage at 15 weeks. We found out afterwards that it was a girl. A week later BIL and SIL found out they were having a girl and BIL joked they were having a little baby insert my baby name here.
He had no intention of using that name he just thought it was a good joke. Probably would have been if I hadn’t lost a little girl the week before. Prick.

@Eyesofdisarray

OP I'm sorry not to have offered my condolences- going on about myself 😔 Hope you feel better soon xx

Don't be silly. It's such great therapy for us to share. I'm so sorry for your loss xx

A close friend telling me that the coil id used prior to falling pregnant must have damaged something inside me and that’s why I miscarried. When I had another miscarriage a few months later I just didn’t tell her.
Also the radiographer at my second mis, after checking to see if the foetus had come out asking me how many children I had and when I replied 3 she made a face as if to say well at least you have children.

You weren’t praying everyday so that’s why it happened. (After first)
You need to pray more so it doesn’t happen again. (After second..had 2 more later)
It’s best it happened early rather than later.
No acknowledgement or care, following up if I was okay.
At least I had 1 child already.

And then the bitch SIL who would give my dd who was 2/3 at the time a doll to play with and tell her it was her baby sister/brother.

NC with all the arseholes now.

@Courtier

Cans I ask what you all think would've been a good thing to say/way to handle it? Do not want to make any of my friends feel as you have. It's an awful experience to go through ❤️

The best thing friends did was just send messages with "thinking of you" or dropping by food was extremely thoughtful.

I hated the "let us know if you need anything" texts. Like stop saying stuff to make yourself feel better. And "my friend (who you never met) had 2 and she's fine now, will I set up a meeting?"

“Good job you only have two children really” said to me by my FIL shortly after i’d miscarried and my older two were misbehaving. Particularly upsetting because I hadn’t wanted dh to tell him in the first place as he is notoriously insensitive. Dh only told him because he’d told his mum (parents are acrimoniously divorced) and he thought it would be “unfair” not to tell his dad too.

My obstetrician was quite sympathetic after my sonogram but did have to give me the instructions for how to take the medicine for medical-management in a busy corridor after she’d taken me round half the hospital trying, and failing, to find a more private space.

My brother said it’s really common - it happens all the time and told me his DW’s friend had 3. Well intentioned I’m sure but felt very dismissive at the time.

“These things happen for a reason”
“At least you know you can get pregnant!”
were the two big ones.

The sonographer - "how many weeks pregnant are you?" Me- " I'm not pregnant (now), I saw the baby come out".

Then getting an appointment for antenatal care after I'd miscarried.

To be a good friend, what can I say? Is it just “I’m so sorry that this happened to you. Do you want to talk about it and can I do anything to help?”

"at least it was a clump of cells and not a real baby, would have been worse if you were further on."

I was 12 weeks pregnant.

"There was obviously a chromosome issue with it or something was wrong "

Tbh what hurt me the most probably was when I started heavy red bleeding and I told dp and a couple of people everyone kept dismissing me even the hospital completly dismissed me saying it might not be a miscarriage it was probably a urine infection and gave me antibiotics and told to wait almost a week for a scan. When the bleeding got heavier everyone still kept dismissing me. It was my wonderful mother who took me seriously and said "I think you need to start coming to terms with the fact you have lost the baby." Sounds harsh but she was the only person who took me seriously at that time.

Sister & Mum saying at least I know I can get pregnant... Not like cousin who is struggling & undergoing IVF.

My miscarriage set off an auto immune disorder which means I am not well enough to care for a baby. They didn't really get that it's the same struggle - still no baby.

A friend saying it wasn't meant to be.

After Miscarriage one at about 6/7 weeks I went to the GP because I thought it should be recorded in my notes "well did you want it?" The It still reverberates now.

Miscarriage 2 - quite well handled by NHS at 17 weeks.

Miscarriage 3 - MMC at 12 weeks. Sonographer asked "did you want it?" I asked why and she said because you're not crying. Then put me in the corridor with the pg women to wait.

Call from scan department 8 weeks later telling me I'd missed my apt and it was discourteous not to cancel. Gynae ward had said I didn't need to. Sent a stinger to director of women's and children's services.

MIL - the worst of all "such a shame you can't perform"

When eventually pg with dd and with a list of miscarriages on my notes - the midwife who booked me "is it a planned pregnancy". I walked out with a terse, "Well what do you think, if you can be bothered to read the notes". Had consultant led care thereafter.

Some pps have reminded me of what my gynecologist said when I went in for surgical management at 15 weeks for a mmc at 10 weeks.
"I'm not doing the surgery because it's easier for me to do medical"
She railroaded me into having medical management while I was distraught and when higher management found out she was removed immediately
Since nothing was happening I was sent home to come back the next day for the surgery but I deliverd my baby in the car park in a massive gush of blood in front of loads of people. I then hemorrhaged
It could have all been avoided if she had treated me with respect and let me choose what was best for me not her.
This still haunts me 2 years later and what's worse was this baby's due date is my birthday so it's just adding to the trauma

From a healthcare worker, 'It's just a cluster of cells'. A cluster of cells in the shape of a human beating heart? I was eight weeks ffs.

"You couldn't even get that right"

Its for the best, there must have been something wrong with it. Yes but as soon as you get the positive test you cant help imagining that bundle of cells as a baby and getting excited.

It made the subsequent pregnancy harder as I didn't want to get my hopes up and had underlying anxiety right up to birth.

The worst was my boss at the time saying in a crowded common room
‘I know you lost a baby but you were a little overweight before and you’ve lost weight after the miscarriage and you look great’ I’d gone from a size 8/10 to a size 4/6 - I still
Remember it - what a bit h

“It’s not just the loss, it’s the loss of hope isn’t it?” From a (inevitably) pregnant friend who spent the weeks after I’d told her about my miscarriage, going on about her own pregnancy.

This one actually makes me laugh now
From a male coworker I didn’t even know well and who only knew I was pg at all after my mc when the gossip started when I took time off, as only my immediate manager and HR knew I was pg. He phoned me up to tell me that he was very sorry and he knew “exactly how I felt because his cat died last year”

I had three consecutive very early miscarriages. An older colleague who had her two teenagers in her 40s said: ‘what did you do?’. Thanks mate, unlike you I didn’t smoke or drink

My dad told me it was a good thing as if I had another baby I might ‘lose’ DS.

Meaning, social services would whip him away.

I’ve never forgotten that.

" you're taking this quite badly aren't you" as if I was just being silly.. this was from someone I consider a good friend.

OP I’m so sorry for your loss and for everyone else’s experiences. I have what feels like an endless list, for context I had one mc at 6 weeks and one at 12. The responses I got to my first miscarriage (had I done something wrong/at least you can get pregnant) put me off telling anyone in case something went wrong again. When it did…

• my mum asked was I sure I was pregnant (while I was in EPAU waiting to see a doctor for 8 hours).
• my SIL told me I’d ruined her life for not telling her I was pregnant (we don’t talk anymore and apparently I still owe her an apology?)
• my DSis had a newborn and was so smug rubbing it gleefully in my face constantly
• best friend telling me all about how she planned to get pregnant on her upcoming honeymoon immediately after I’d told her my experience (she did then go on to quickly get pregnant and stay pregnant).

I had such a bad experience with friends, family and doctors as well as the experience of the mc itself that I ended up with PTSD and 6 years later I’ve not been pregnant since and don’t know if I ever will. It’s something I really struggle with.