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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Anyone fancy a chat about dating sites?

75 replies

used2bthin · 27/11/2008 13:33

I have been on two for a while but only just got chatting with people really and I find it so stressful! Its fun but I am terrified of being asked on a date because its been so long. Also have totally lost it (if I ever had it) with talking to potential dates. I really enjoy my life taking DD to groups, seeing friends and their kids, takng DD out with my parents etc etc but I realsie it must sound really dull to men and not much to keep the conversation going beyond the initial bit. Argh help!

OP posts:

hairtwiddler · 27/11/2008 13:37

I'm not sure I'm the best person to talk to but I did meet DH on a dating site. Six years ago now. At the time I felt I had nothing to talk about but work. He seemed to still be interested though!
We emailed for two months before we met, so we did have things to talk about when we met, having shared stories of everyday lives.
I wish you luck. Be careful, and I hope you meet someone lovely like I did.

Original poster

used2bthin · 27/11/2008 14:01

Ah did you because my XP is saying there is no point emailing lots you should just meet up and see if there is an attracton but that terrifies me! I am more than happy to just email a bit more then maybe talk on the phone then meet if all goes ok. Argh its all so scary I would be in a complete panic!

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hairtwiddler · 27/11/2008 15:38

I think it's down to the type of person you are. I was put off the immediate meet-ups because I think some people may just do it for flings, which is fine, but wasn't for me...

Original poster

used2bthin · 27/11/2008 18:14

Yes that is true. Very encouraging that you obviously had got to know each other first and that it worked out for you. It is difficult as things can be misinterpreted and I am terrible for over analysing but generally I am having fun on there, just get stuck for what to say as don't want to go on about DD and really mostly what I do is look after her!

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mybumpsaboy · 27/11/2008 18:47

yeah...it's a toughie: I think you it's def better, ideally, to email for at least a month or so first to check it doesn't just fizzle at the offset....but personally I've found that, even if you REALLY connect with someone via email, for every 10 guys you meet up with there'll only be one with any chemistry there at all. Which obv means, the more effort you put in beforehand, the more you're building up to disappointment and the more times you're "wasting"

BUT there is always the fact that if you get on great via email for long enough, you're at least likely to gain a good friend (I've made a lot of these this way!) plus each meeting will help you find your feet with the dating game again and hopefully build your confidence (final point from personal experience & those of my mates: I've found that VERY often the guy is interested in the girl, even if she feels the email-chemistry just isn't there in person....so this way really can boost your ego till the Right One comes along!)

hairtwiddler · 27/11/2008 19:03

It's fair to say I had a few lengthy emails with people who generated no sparks in person. That can be a bit of a let-down. I remember in particular the guy who turned up in the most ridiculous pair of shorts I had ever seen. He was still a nice guy, but I soooo didn't fancy him after that!
DH lived in another country, and we met in London (neutral territory). I think neither of us thought anything could come from it, but six years and one 3yr old later.....

Original poster

used2bthin · 27/11/2008 21:13

Oh thats good to hear mybumpsaboy. I am trying to take it all with a pinch of salt but its hard because I've had so little contact with men in that way for a while so its all quite exciting.

Thats great hairtwiddler how romantic! So he moved to be with you?

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hairtwiddler · 27/11/2008 21:33

Yes - we had ten months of flying to visit each other every month, then he moved. We got married just over 3yrs after we met, and DD is nearly 3.

Original poster

used2bthin · 27/11/2008 22:00

Ah thats a happy story, I've been worrying because the one I've been chatting to most lives about half an hour away and I'm scared of motorway driving but maybe I should take one step at a time!

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bluejelly · 27/11/2008 22:06

I found it really stressful at first, kept getting really ridiculously happy when I got a nice replay, totally gutted when I was blanked. Am levelling out a bit now and trying to see it as a bit of harmless fun. But it really depends on the day! (and have only been doing it a couple of weeks)

Original poster

used2bthin · 27/11/2008 22:14

I am the same bluejelly, I get unreasoably offended if I can see someone is online but choosing not to answer me! But in reality they coud've just stayed online whilst on another site or getting on with other stuff.

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Original poster

used2bthin · 30/11/2008 20:41

Just bumping this because I'm having such a bad evening, taking it personally that the man I've been chatting to online seems to have lost interest (in me anyway he is on the site all the time) .

Its so silly that I feel so crap about this but I thought it was at least going to be an opportunity for my first date in years! Feeling generally rubbish about myself which doesn't help. Any advice for not getting too affected by everyone who talks to me on these things?

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wintercitylover · 30/11/2008 20:56

join the club. I have had a few instances where we have emailed then been blanked. But I have also chattted via MSN with one guy and have then actively avoided him.

I try to take it all not seriously but it gets to me sometimes.

Am feeling a bit today because got chatting and txting a rather nice guy last week, we have tentatively agreed a date. He was quite OTT, said he would ring yesterday hasn't and I haven't heard so far today.

But I do know he isn't online either and wasn't last night. So on the one had that's good but on the other perhaps he was on another date (which would be quite OK really but still makes me feel uncomfortable).

I am just debating atm whether to text him - he seemed so very enthusiastic last week.

wintercitylover · 30/11/2008 20:58

PS I do think for many men it must be like being in a sweetshop.

Sorry I know that doesn't help but jmo.

You never know it could be something legit and he could just have the pc running rather than be chatting to a million other people.

Original poster

used2bthin · 30/11/2008 21:01

Its really hard isn't it? I have also stopped emailing another man, mainly because I thought I was getting somewhere with the other one. I didn't think I would take it so personally but its hard when you talk to someone every day you just get used to it.

And yes its odd I agree about the dates thing, I was aware that the man I was chatting to would be talking to others too and thats fair enough but it does feel weird and I feel like on paper I may not compare well to other women, for instance he may have liked me and someone else but the someone else doesn't have a child, or lives closer or whatever.

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wintercitylover · 30/11/2008 21:06

yes I was thinking that or in my case the someone else might be younger too!!

Think I might text him soon. Cannot believe he could have changed since the early hours of Saturday morning.

tho he was a bit cheeky he did seem to have some self awareness and a desire to take things a bit slowly, which I warmed to.

It's soo hard cos you don't want to appear pushy but also don't want to sit around like a demure victorian woman. lol

I'll never understand the minds of men, ever

Original poster

used2bthin · 30/11/2008 21:11

No me neither, this one added me on facebook and we were chatting every day at dd's nap time then in evenings. He seemed lovely. Am being paranoid that because I had a few new facebook frineds added who were male, he may have thought that they were all from the dating site and that I was talking to loads of men but I wasn't, they were all old school friends. Couldn't say that though because it would've looked desperate.

Its so pointless to second guess all this though, who knows, and in your case he may just be busy! In mine sadly he's been online most of today so I know he's not.

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wintercitylover · 30/11/2008 21:22

well i've just texted him, how are you etc so we'll see.

Find this very hard to get used to.

Original poster

used2bthin · 30/11/2008 21:25

Me too. I think my mistake could have been that I expected him to do all the work. But I'm so out of practise I'e forgotten the rules!

Fingers crossed for you that he texts back!

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wintercitylover · 30/11/2008 21:35

well he couldn't stop texting last week including one which was really quite sweet and seemed quite heartfelt.

You are entitled to have who you want on facebook as friends - they could be relatives, gay guys anyone.

I do generally tend to take it with a pinch of salt but have to admit hopes were slightly raised with this one.

Original poster

used2bthin · 30/11/2008 21:53

Its depressing isn't it. This one seemd very nice too and had sent some encouraging emails. For me I think I got carried away because I've got so used to just being me and DD and it was nice to have the attention. I knew I shouldn't take it seriously though. Men! I thought a dating site would be perfect but actually it just means there is loads of competition!

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lou33 · 30/11/2008 22:01

i found a nice one, he seems to have moved in with me after a week

Original poster

used2bthin · 30/11/2008 22:20

Really there is hope then! My cousin met her boyfriend on the same site I'm on and they are now buying a house together, they are really well suited. So I had high hopes! In retrospect the man I was talking to probably wasn't who I need right now, he was just fun and great to chat to. I just got carried away with it probably. I've spent the evening winking at men (on the site you understand!!)so am hoping someone will distract me soon. Oh and I chatted to my ex on fb earlier, havent spoken in years, he is now married but gave me a bit of a confidence boost by saying he can't believe I am still single. So maybe I have hope!

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lou33 · 30/11/2008 22:25

i found the best way to keep him was to break his ankles and tie him to the bed

Original poster

used2bthin · 30/11/2008 22:26

Lol yes I will try that next time. Oh bugger, need to convince one of them to actually meet me though...

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