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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Where would you put the maintenance money?

68 replies

Emmielu · 07/04/2012 19:45

After a rather large argument with the ex, he has finally (after 5 years) agreed to paying CM. Eventhough it will be £5 a week to me that is still something & a lot better than what he currently does for DD atm. (Nothing.) We had a "debate" over where the money will go. He assumes i will have the money & use it to contribute towards DD's lunchbox's for school but refuses to pay in the holidays as "she doesnt need anything" then. He then decided that he puts money straight into DD's trust fund account which again is a great idea but now im confused. Some people say that the money should be given to the main caring parent to help cover costs of looking after their child. Others say, put it in a savings account for the child.

Where would you put the money? Do you think it should be spent on feeding the child, school uniform costs etc or should it go into a savings account?

OP posts:

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HerRoyalNotness · 07/04/2012 19:48

It goes on general costs, ie food, clothes, housing, toys, hobbies. Not just school related stuff either. Bet you're glad you're rid of him, what a plonker!

workshy · 07/04/2012 19:48

it should go to the reident parent to halp maintain the child, if you then choose to put the equivalent amount into a savings account then that's your choice but it is for the maintainance of the child and you don't have to provide him with reciepts or anything

Original poster

Emmielu · 07/04/2012 19:49

Its because of this argument i felt like a money grabbing (excuse the expressions) mother who just wants his money. That really was never the case, id rather he saw her but hes not doing that so why cant i have what DD deserves? I have explained to him whatever costs it took to look after DD should have been done between me & him. Not me, my parents, family etc.

OP posts:

Original poster

Emmielu · 07/04/2012 19:50

I worded that wrong. Why cant i give DD what she deserves. Thats what i meant.

OP posts:

mummymcphee · 07/04/2012 19:56

I have been using the money I get on household expenses.....it generally covers my council tax. I would love the money to go into a savings account for dd but I am not in a financial position to do that at the moment.

Poor you tho he sounds like a nightmare!! Have you considered the CSA... just asking I haven't actually gone to them myself as I'm concerned about the reaction I would get. Good Luck xx [buwink]

Original poster

Emmielu · 07/04/2012 20:03

Yes! I have the application form (16 pages would you believe it!!) & have to now re-do another one as hes changed his number apparently & wont give me much details which is fine, a call to the csa for help filling in the form would be handy, but doing the calculations on their site it will be £5 a week or £20 a month, he earns under a certain amount.

OP posts:

mummymcphee · 08/04/2012 11:29

At least via the CSA it would make the payments more reliable (hopefully). I wait for the direct debit from my ex on the 10th of every month. It didn't go in at all in January. He never answers the phone when he sees my number ( I therefore realised if I do number witheld he answers but he is getting wise to that) . His excuse was that he had been on a 2 week holiday and had no money in his account!! I am waiting to see if the money goes in on Tuesday as he has been on another holiday (his third one in the six months since our daughter was born)...... if not I have to consider my options. Its not easy going to the CSA (you mentioned the paperwork) but also I have been warned not to by my ex as he is self employed and doesn't want the CSA poking around in his accounts/ tax returns.

I am weighing up just abandoning the whole thing and not chasing any maintenance at all. Like you say though it's for the welfare of your dd however with the small amounts of cash involved is it worth it or would it be better to escape from the whims of these pathetic excuses for men and fathers ?

Hissboo · 08/04/2012 11:36

The good thing about the CSA is if he doesn't pay and goes into arrears they will chase. They were fantastic at getting my ex to pay a large amount of arrears when he had been abusive to me and told me he would never pay.

SephoraRosebud · 08/04/2012 11:40

You are not money grabbing- he is a complete twat. I wonder how he would feel if his father thought he was worth less than £5 a week?

Dee03 · 08/04/2012 12:20

I agree he is a twat!
Go to the csa, problem solved..no discussion of maintenance with him ever again!
What you do with the money is down to you.

Original poster

Emmielu · 08/04/2012 13:14

He agreed to pay monthly. So £20 a month. I have agreed on that but have said it still goes via csa so i know it will be going through. Would it be up to me when the money comes into my account? I'm wanting to put £10 into DD's trust fund & take the other £10 out of my bank for emergencies.

OP posts:

purpleroses · 08/04/2012 14:58

It's entirely up to you what you use it for. You can consider it as his (small) contribution towards (and if that frees up more of your own cash for your own private beer or new shoes fund, then that is absolutely fine!)

With that small amount of contribution he has no business at all expecting you to show what you've spent it on, or put it aside for when she's older. It's meant to be for supporting her now, not later.

purpleroses · 08/04/2012 14:59

That was meant to read towards her food

kerbear · 08/04/2012 15:02

My experience of the CSA is not good-my first ex wouldn't pay so filed out CSA forms-he was told what to pay but never paid. It then went to his employer to take it out of his wages-but they never did that either. In the end I gave up on him anything-and he hasn't paid a pennd for our son in 12 years-but he also chose to sever all contact with our son too.....his loss.

I have recently left my 2nd husband and he agreed to a figure and agreed to pay half at the beginning of the month by direct debit and then the other half on the 15th in cash. He never set up the direct debit and I was constantly having to chase him for the maintenance money. I am now completing divorce papers and have stated on there that he will pay all the maintenance by direct debit on the 15th of the month-of which I am waiting to see if it actually happens.

The maintenance money he pays me goes towards clothes, shoes,, after school activities and anything else that they need throughout the month-I also use it towards the food for the month too.

MissKeithLemon · 08/04/2012 15:11

Put the £20 in your own account and do whatever you want with it OP...

then at the end of each month count up what you have spent on DD (include additional housing costs - what you pay for 2 bed as opposed to 1 bed - all utilities apportioned out fairly, and all the usual direct costs associated with bringing up a child) and send him an invoice for the difference between his measly offering "maintenance" and what you actually pay out

he'll stop being such a dick difficult person eventually if you do this

Meglet · 08/04/2012 15:24

only £20 a month is fucking disgraceful .

IMO it goes into the bank and gets spent on anything. Children need food, heating, a car that drives, clothes, books, activities.....etc.....etc.

I certainly wouldn't spend all the dc's maintenance on treats for them every month, I'd rather make sure we had good food and a roof over our heads! Their birthday money is saved so I only add little bits here and there.

susiedaisy · 08/04/2012 15:28

£20 month is a joke what a twat! Op what can you do with a fiver a week? I wouldn't stress about it too much just use it to help buy food etc for your dc!

Smurfy1 · 08/04/2012 15:32

£20 is pathetic TBH My Oh gets nothing from the bm for weeone we are apparently due £20.00 a month but they need to track her down first

If we do ever see it we prbably will put it away for weeone

FashionEaster · 08/04/2012 15:41

ExH's CM pays the bills! My salary doesn't cover them.

You can spend the money how you like. £20 a month towards clothes, shoes and school things if you want or on food or a hobby she does like Brownies. But I wouldn't have the money paid into her trust fund account as only she can access that at 18, so hardly useful given it's intended to be used on her upbringing.

And why such a small amount? Is it agreed through the CSA?

balia · 08/04/2012 15:45

I dithered about going to the CSA for 5 years while my ex paid nothing towards out DD. Oh, I tell a lie - he bought her one pair of school shoes. I finally went to them because although he had refused to pay any maintentance, he had promised to go halves on a school ski-ing trip so that DD could go as I couldn't afford it on my own. He (of course) let us down and I had to borrow the money from my Dad, and that was the last straw for me. The CSA were brilliant in my case, go for it.

Original poster

Emmielu · 08/04/2012 17:59

Ook work this out cause im bad with maths as it is but this doesnt make sense. He gets:
£18 money from job center every fortnight
£40 every saturday for a job 9-5:30.
Can live on £20 a week.
Has his own flat.
Has a kayak.
Has sky.
Pays tv license as this & the sky comes out direct debit.
Refuses to set up direct debit to go into my account for maintenance & was going to just take out £20 once a month in cash, go to the bank & put it in trust fund account. (Im not stupid.)
His other half has started paying for some of the bills. She gets £30 ema a week.
He hasnt paid his contract for his blackberry, it got cut off. So he brought an iphone & is using that to email me or his other half's ipad. If you cant afford your contract why buy an iphone? He wants to cut the contract on his blackberry as he prefers iphone & wants to get a contract on that instead. Arent there charges for this? Where on earth are all these numbers coming from??

OP posts:

Original poster

Emmielu · 08/04/2012 18:02

I did the calculations from what he's told me (what i wrote above) & they said he earns below i think it is £100 a week so there is a fixed rate of £5 a week.

OP posts:

EmilyPollifaxInnocentTourist · 08/04/2012 18:07

Let the CSA deal with it.

It will be much easier for you and won't let him mess with your head.

Original poster

Emmielu · 08/04/2012 18:09

I have more confidence in the csa getting the truth than me to be honest.

OP posts:

bucketbetty · 08/04/2012 18:10

What a complete cock. Go through the CSA, get what they give you, don't talk to the cock-a-may-mee cock face cockaroo. He doesn't need to know anything about what you spend the money on. Did I say he was a cock.

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