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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

would you send one DC without the other for a weekend visit?

55 replies

mistressmiggins · 12/03/2012 09:26

my DCs are nearly 10 and 7. Their dad lives 3 hrs away and they go to stay every 3 weeks. Unfortunately DS(10) has kayaking training every Sat night for next 3 weeks and he is desperate to go. Ex has known this was coming up and we were going to try to work round it. Unfortunately we were only told last Wed (cubs) and so I offered weekend just gone as a swap acknowledging it was short notice or said could Ex come for day visit next weekend as a one-off.

He has decided he still wants to have DD by herself. I know DS is gutted that he wont come for the day so he can see him. DD is now saying she doesnt want to go by herself and has gone very quiet.

Is it unreasonable to say he has to just have a day visit so he can spend time with both his children? If he doesn't, DS wont see him for 6 weeks.

OP posts:

Eglu · 12/03/2012 09:31

I think your DS needs to realise that sometimes there are hard choices to make in life. He wants to go kayaking, so for this short time he won't see his Dad.

I would be questioning why your DD doesn't want to go alone though. I would expect a child to relish time alone with a parent and getting all the attention.

purpleroses · 12/03/2012 09:33

Why does DD not want to go? Seems a shame for her not to - I have two similar ages as yours and the thing I think they miss out on with having separated parents is one to one time with a parent - is she just nervous without her brother? Could your ex fix up to do something special with her (eg something DS might not like) so she could feel she was geting a treat? Maybe you could then do something with just your DS on the Sunday to make up for missing the visit.

A 6 hour round trip is a long way for a day trip.

Original poster

mistressmiggins · 12/03/2012 09:35

she is treated very differently to DS. He has computer and TV in his room at dads. She has nothing. Ex has 18mth DD who our DD spends all her time looking after (DCs words as Im not there)

My DCs are very close and I think he is a good big brother to her. If she gets upset at ex's, she goes to DS. It might do her good to go by herself.

DS is very cynical about his dad and I dont think him missing a weekend will help the relationship but I cant tell my ex as he wont believe that.

OP posts:

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 12/03/2012 09:36

Your Ex could stay over - get a cheap B&B - at least for one weekend.

I would be concerned about why your DD doesn't want to go on her own though - that would worry me.

Original poster

mistressmiggins · 12/03/2012 09:36

@purpleroses - agree it is a long trip but its a one-off and he used to do it regularly til recently. The DCs enjoyed day visits because it was just them and their dad and not new baby.

OP posts:

Bonsoir · 12/03/2012 09:37

Yes of course DCs can see their other parents on their own. Siblings are not a package deal. Your DS has freely chosen to kayak over going to his father's house. Your DD and your exH shouldn't have to work their agenda around his.

Original poster

mistressmiggins · 12/03/2012 09:38

p.s this is why I love MN. Havent posted for a while but I know I will get responses which those close to me (like DH) are not able to give because too emotionally involved.

OP posts:

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 12/03/2012 09:39

x-post - sorry.

In that case, I wouldn't make her go by herself. If her Dad isn't good with her, why should she go without the only source of comfort (her brother) she has when she's there?

In what way do you think it would do her good?

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 12/03/2012 09:40

Bonsoir - did you complete miss the bit where DD doesn't want to go without her brother, to be used to entertain/look after the toddler and has no emotional support?

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 12/03/2012 09:41

Also, I would be having words about why they are treated differently.

Original poster

mistressmiggins · 12/03/2012 09:44

Chipping - maybe if she went by herself she would learn to go to her Dad rather than relying on her brother? She has been going since 18mths so I have no idea what her relationship is like with her Dad. I know children exaggerate and I know she loves seeing her baby sister.

This is my dilema. A couple of years back, she was poorly and didnt want to go to her Dads. He turned up and I asked him to just take DS as she was upset. He refused and lifted her screaming into the car. It was awful. She mentioned this to me this morning asking whether if she doesnt want to go, will he turn up and do that again. I had forgotton the incident myself so I certainly didnt remind her.

OP posts:

Original poster

mistressmiggins · 12/03/2012 09:45

Chipping - its not my place to question how he treats them. It would just cause yet another argument. I have tried to explain to DCS that if they dont like something or want to do something differently, they need to discuss it with their Dad like they do with me.
DS says he doesnt want to hurt his Dad's feelings.

OP posts:

purpleroses · 12/03/2012 09:49

I'd tell your ex how your DD feels and ask him if he wants to try and encourage/reassure her - if he could pursuade her that it will be a treat, and get her OK about going, then that would be great. Maybe he could make some time just for her without the toddler as a one off?

My DD also relies on her older brother quite a lot when at her dad's. It's not that her dad is bad with her, but that DS is just the person she sees most of who she goes to most easily.

Chopstheduck · 12/03/2012 09:50

how old is the dd? If she is the 10yo, I'd maybe try to have a chat with her about making an effort for her Dad. He wants to see here, spend some time with her, even without your ds. So I wonder if she is maybe perceiving the pushing out to be worse that it is, and it might really do them both good to have some 1:1 time.

DS needs to live with it, and know that sometimes sacrifices have to be made, and another time it might be him going alone.

purpleroses · 12/03/2012 09:51

Could your ex take DD for the weekend, but have an hour or two with DS as well when he drops her back on the Sunday?

Chopstheduck · 12/03/2012 09:51

I think some 1:1 time might be good for bonding between them.

Original poster

mistressmiggins · 12/03/2012 09:56

I will try to speak to ex but he doesnt take kindly to me suggesting or saying anything about the children to him.
I could also suggest ex comes back early Sunday and takes DS out by himself. Its Mothering Sunday though so I expect he will need to get back to his partner.

To be honest, I was OK when he said he would take just DD - its the children who both kicked back at the suggestion. DS might also be a little jealous - he actually said to DD that Dad only wants her to go to look after the baby.

OP posts:

ChippingInNeedsCoffee · 12/03/2012 09:56

She doesn't trust her Dad :( She doesn't trust him to listen to her or care about how she feels. She was obviously very upset when he did that and HE needs to know how she feels.

Your DS (at 10) should not be concerned that doing something he wants to do, for a few weeks, will hurt his Dad's feelings. That's messed up. His Dad should be encouraging him and coming to visit him.

Original poster

mistressmiggins · 12/03/2012 09:59

Chipping - that is how DD feels.
Maybe going by herself might be an opportunity.
And yes I agree that its sad DS is worried about hurting his dads feelings. I have explained this too.

OP posts:

Bonsoir · 12/03/2012 10:00

"Bonsoir - did you complete miss the bit where DD doesn't want to go without her brother, to be used to entertain/look after the toddler and has no emotional support?"

Absolutely not, but it has no relevance whatsoever.

balia · 12/03/2012 10:06

I don't understand why DS knows that his Dad chose not to come up and see him. The adults should be making the arrangements and presenting the solutions to the kids, not making the kids feel bad when they want to do an activity by suggesting that Dad could have come up to see them but has chosen not to.

I think DS has then lashed out at his sister getting attention from his Dad and spoiled her weekend.

Original poster

mistressmiggins · 12/03/2012 10:11

Balia - I do feel that children have a certain choice. Unfortunately my ex made these kind of things visible to the children when he took me to court last year and made the children have an interview with CAFCASS, which he promptly ignored because he didnt like what they had said.

My DCs already miss lots of things because their dad chose to move away from the area and I regularly have to explain they cant attend their friends bday parties. Children are not stupid.

I have presented the solution today to the children which is Dad wants to have weekend visit as usual with just DD. DS asked why he couldnt come up for the day. What should I have said when clearly he is choosing a weekend over seeing DS? I didnt say "Dad doesnt want to do that"

OP posts:

SweetGrapes · 12/03/2012 10:11

"Your DD and your exH shouldn't have to work their agenda around his."
and
"Absolutely not, but it has no relevance whatsoever."

Lol after a long time on mn. Thanks Bonsoir!!

Bonsoir · 12/03/2012 10:14

mistressmiggins - I am afraid that you are confusing issues here. Your DS and your DD have a long-standing arrangement whereby they visit their father in his own home every three weeks. Your DS wants to break that arrangement in order to do his kayaking. He is free to negotiate that with his father, but that does not mean that the world should revolve around DS and his kayaking and that therefore your DD and your exH should change their own long-standing arrangements. They really shouldn't - for their own good as much as for the good of your DS.

Original poster

mistressmiggins · 12/03/2012 10:19

Bonsoir
I understand what you are saying.
Its difficult to be so level headed when DD(7) says she doesn't want to go.
She said this before DS made the babysitting comment.
Are you really saying that I tell DD "tough" (but obviously in a positive way) and hope she doesnt refuse to go Friday? Like I said, last time she refused, she was carried kicking & screaming into the car.

Thanks for all your comments thought - that is why I asked the question - to get neutral POVs.

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