would you send one DC without the other for a weekend visit?

[mistressmiggins]

my DCs are nearly 10 and 7. Their dad lives 3 hrs away and they go to stay every 3 weeks. Unfortunately DS(10) has kayaking training every Sat night for next 3 weeks and he is desperate to go. Ex has known this was coming up and we were going to try to work round it. Unfortunately we were only told last Wed (cubs) and so I offered weekend just gone as a swap acknowledging it was short notice or said could Ex come for day visit next weekend as a one-off.

He has decided he still wants to have DD by herself. I know DS is gutted that he wont come for the day so he can see him. DD is now saying she doesnt want to go by herself and has gone very quiet.

Is it unreasonable to say he has to just have a day visit so he can spend time with both his children? If he doesn't, DS wont see him for 6 weeks.

Agree - once every 3 weeks is very little contact and I think that should be prioritised. And the quality of contact is a very important factor, too - overnight contact in a family home is vastly preferable to a daytime contact in March, wandering round a windswept shopping centre trying to amuse to small children.

3 hours is a long trip and I personally think parents should stay close to children, but this is not an opinion shared by mums who blithely post here talking about moving to the other end of the country, either.

Bottom line, the court had to decide what was best for the children and you should stick to it and not give the message that parties, kayak training, activities etc are more important than time with Dad. If I only saw my kids once every three weeks I'd drag them out to the car if the other parent was giving them the message that contact was for my benefit rather than theirs and that they could chose whether they wanted to come.

If DD went this weekend and decided that she would rather stay at Dads would you think it was reasonable for him to say 'get on the phone and make coming back to yours sound exciting and fun because I'm uncomfortable with forcing her'?

Just to update...DD has just gone with dad for weekend. I think DS was a little jealous that dad wouldnt come for the day but has still chosen to stay at home. I suggested ex H come back early Sunday and take DS out which he has agreed to do.

We went to court last year and my ex agreed that weekends could be moved occasionally to accommodate special things the children wanted to do. That is what the court told us. We were also told by solicitor, barrister and judge that contact is all about the child and not the parent choosing regardless of what the child wants to do. It is about balancing things for everyone. My ex isn't always as considerate to me as I am to him but that's beside the point.

balia Am interested to think at what age you will still be dragging a child into the car! I have a teenage step daughter who no longer comes to stay. We live near enough (40mins) to go for a few hours. Should my DH go and fetch her?

Anyway thanks again for people putting all sides. It did help.

I think DD is just getting to the age where she has to understand that she can do things by herself.

There is 3 years between my DDs and the gap means.

One will be Brownie/cub age and the other Guide/Scout age. Soon DS will be at senior school and DD still at primary.

Events, trips and actives will vary markedly, DC and parents all need to be flexible and make compromises.

Hope she has a good time.

Your DS may be a bit jealous, but having to choose between things is part of life really isn't it? He can tell his dad all about the fun he's been having on Sunday. You're right it is about balancing things for everyone - contact is chiefly about the child, but when you have two and an ex who's 3 hours away there's going to have to be compromises from time to time.

Haven't read the whole thread but glad DD has decided to go. I recall a message from DH's ex when we had a DD together saying that we should stop making SD look after our baby and let her be a child. We didn't react too well to that as it was nothing like the truth - if anything I had to stop SD from doing things that she was too young to do and she had a huge strop about it (eg she wanted to bath baby on her own when she was 9 and I said no). At the time we felt ex was jealous of the new baby (relations weren't great) and was making it all up.

This is some years ago now and SD (now a teen) has admitted she did tell her Mum all that and she doesn't really know why - I guess she was perhaps a bit jealous of the new baby and perhaps picking up on the issues between Mum and Dad and thinking that's what Mum wanted to hear.

She would also tell us she wanted to live with us but her Mum claimed she was unhappy when with us....it was all a bit of a mess for a while, but all is settled and fine now.

Just making the point that when you are not there it's hard to know the truth as children don't always tell it like it is, especially when the relations between the parents aren't as rosy as they would be in an ideal world.