Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

can i stop him having access?

92 replies

ladyjadey · 24/05/2011 11:23

I have a DD who is 9 months old. Her father (sperm donor or SD as he shall herein be known) has seen her twice, once when she was born and oncw when she was 4 days old. she was in hospital at 11 days old with a severe eye infection, during which time he said via text, and I quote, "I can't deal with this, you look after her."

Since then he has not seen her, contacted me at all or paid any maintenance. As far as he is concerned, she does not exist. We have had no contact with him or any of his family, in fact I'm not even sure her grandparents know she exists.

The current situation sees me about to go to the CSA for maintenance. I think he will probably deny he is her father and have the DNA test. Which is fine by me, there is no doubt. I worry that when he starts paying he will try and get access. I don't think he will want to pay out for the privilege so he may not try to take me to court at all, but I fully intend to fight him every step of the way if he does. He has shown no interest in her at all, did not so much as send her a christmas card, and I see no benefit to her from having any involvement with him. What will happen if he does bother going to court? Can I stop him having access? He is not named on BC.

SD has another child who he does see. He sees her erratically, never looks after her properly not having enough food in his flat for her or a clean bed to sleep in. DD deserves better than that.

This is not about me or my relationship with him, I just want to protect my child.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 24/05/2011 11:29

he most certainly would gain some access,yes. as this is your childs right

he could quickly and easily gain PR.

Original poster
ladyjadey · 24/05/2011 11:38

SD had the option all along of having access. I never tried to stop him. I allowed him to be at the birth. He chose not to be part of her life. Now that I know he does not really care, I want him to stay away, for her sake. He may not even try, it will probably depend on what it might cost him. How much does it cost going through the courts? Anyone know?

OP posts:
scurryfunge · 24/05/2011 11:40

You would have to have a very good reason for him not to have access to his child if he wants to see her. By the sound of it though, he probably won't bother.

GypsyMoth · 24/05/2011 11:41

it doesnt have to cost a lot,he could self represent to keep costs down if not entitled to legal aid. then its just the cost of submitting his forms. no solicitor or anything

doesnt matter what has happened previously,if he shows interest now then he will (in absence of welfare issues) be given access,which is usually a case of building up to overnights etc

pingusmumtoo · 24/05/2011 11:45

Just out of curiosity why did you have a child with him and not actually use a Sperm Donor ? It never fails to amaze me how many men don't use condoms and then are surprised when fatherhood beckons ..... Or how many women expect money from a man they slept with because they (the women) chose to keep a baby the men didn't want .... it's all a bit daft.
However, the Law is getting stricter on parental rights and if he's named on the birth certificate his rights are pretty protected.

Original poster
ladyjadey · 24/05/2011 12:06

I call him SD because he has done nothing to deserve being called a father. I was in a brief relationship with him where I got pg despite being on the pill. He initially said he wanted to marry me etc, I realised he was an arse and declined. We split when i was pg and he did not contact me. I told him when i was in labour, he came to the birth saw her once after and that was that. He is not on birth cert.

He hasn't contacted me or shown any interest in access. He has my number if he wanted to. I think if I go to the CSA he may show an interest if her existance is cutting down the cash he can spend at the bookies.

I wasn't going to abort because I just couldn't do it and that was that, currently she is my sole responsibility. I certainly don't regret having her, I just regret the circumstances and wish she wasn't his.

OP posts:
Original poster
ladyjadey · 24/05/2011 12:10

Oh, and just to make it clear, I never said he ciould not see her, it was SD that chose not to.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 24/05/2011 12:16

how much maintenance are you likely to get ?
does he have a really good job?
is it going to be worth it?

yes - if he is reminded he has a DD by having to pay out then he could well ask for contact and yes it would be granted.

i agree with notion of fathers paying for their children -but if he really not interested and the amount via CSA would be minimal - then why stir things up as you treat him only as a sperm donor?

sperm donors are not expected to support thier biological children finanically - that is part of the deal....

cestlavielife · 24/05/2011 12:19

a nine month old wont appreciate a xmas card anyway so that is irrelevant really. an xmas card for a baby is for the parent(s).

if you want to keep her away from him keep it all quiet not involve his family at all then dont claim via CSA.

but - as others said - she will later on when she asks have a right to know who her dad is.

scurryfunge · 24/05/2011 12:20

I don't think the OP really means a sperm donor in the ordinary sense of the phrase,cestla.

Tyr · 24/05/2011 12:31

Maintenance and contact aren't linked. If he is interested, he will get contact through the courts, although it will be by steps.
If he is as disinterested as you say, he is unlikely to bother.
Perhaps he got cold feet at the thought of being a father? Some do, then do a u-turn when the child is born. If that is the case and he is going to seek contact, you should support that; it is the child's right.
Either way, paying maintenance or not won't affect it.

VioletV · 24/05/2011 12:40

Well feck me. Pingu how rude s your comment?! What sort of question is that? Or did you post that to stir a reaction?! Are you going to tell me you were married before having sex and your kids planned?! And your wedding dress was of course white!!!

OP if you don't want him to have contact then don't take his money. I remember someone on here telling me maintenance is different to access. The way I see it is if your SD isn't paying money for the upkeep then he shouldn't get access. IMO the two go hand in hand. Legally they don't but there are plenty of ways round it. One being leaving the country lol

GypsyMoth · 24/05/2011 13:10

is he working?

mrscolour · 24/05/2011 13:37

You wouldn't be able to stop him having contact unless there is a very good reason. Probably best not to worry about it unless it happens which sounds like it might not.

You do have a right to pursue the maintenance but I suppose it depends on how much he is earning as to whether it's really worth pursuing.

pingusmumtoo · 24/05/2011 14:23

Not rude just realistic IMHO. And of course not - I'm not married and I'm not chucking rocks at anyone - it was a genuine question. In this day and age if you want a baby and you don't have a bloke who does too then a sperm donor is a valid route surely. And men who don't want kids should wear bloody condoms not act all surprised when the woman they've shagged gets pregnant .... it's just all so bloody unfair on the kids. One way or another they get lied to. And I have experience of this from just about every angle ... except being the man that is Wink

Original poster
ladyjadey · 24/05/2011 14:31

He was not actually a sperm donor, but he is more that than a father. although i must say I was expecting a slighly more supportive slant for being a single parent, rather than an attack for getting pregnant! When i said she did not get so much as a xmas card it was more a demonstration of his lack of interest, please don't be so literal. She obviously has no use for a xmas card at 9 months! The man did not even bother to find out if she was ok when she was in hopsital, that was the last we heard from him.

As for being frightened of being a father, he already has a 6yr old daughter that he does see, to his ex wife. I think he just can't be bothered and it's easier for him to get on with life as if she does not exist.

He does work, he is a police officer on 30k ish. He already pays through CSA for his other daughter (because he kept "forgetting" to before his ex went to them).

I know he will probably leave us alone if I don't make him pay, but I don't see why we should have to struggle so much financially. It would be nice for her to own some clothes that are not second hand, and for her to have more opportunites when she gets older and go to dance classes and things like her big sister does (my elder daughter to a different dad, who does pay).

And before anyone else attacks me, I do work and do my best to support my kids whom I love dearly. I am educated and intend to better our circumstances as best I can. I did not intend to fall pg, it was an accident, a genuine one and I do not think I should be judged harshly for not wanting to abort, and this is not a case of the poor unsuspecting man being forced into paying for a child he did not want because he said he would be there and he did want her, until I didn't want to put up with him and his manipulative, possessive and generally unpleasant behaviour.

OP posts:
Original poster
ladyjadey · 24/05/2011 14:33

I didn't want a baby! I was on the pill! He was not an actual sperm donor! And he wanted her too until I refused to marry him!

OP posts:
Original poster
ladyjadey · 24/05/2011 14:35

And anyway, it's off the point! The question was what will he have to do to get access and whether it will be more effort and expense than he can be bothered with.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 24/05/2011 14:36

well as you havent seen or heard from him in so long,he may well have changed.

keep the maintenence and access separate....if it goes to court its generally not good form to link the two.

csa for now and see what comes of the access. you should get a reasonable amount if you can estimate his salary. good luck

GypsyMoth · 24/05/2011 14:37

actually,as far as access goes,he could just approach you.

what would you say to him if he asked to begin building a relationship with his dd?

Original poster
ladyjadey · 24/05/2011 14:41

I would say "where the hell have you been for the last 9 months???!!!" "why did you not bother when I was more than prepared to support you building a relationship with you daughter?"

And he can't have changed that much. He still doesn't even know if she made it out of hospital ok. If he has changed, why isn't he knocking on my door now asking to see her?

OP posts:
BooyHoo · 24/05/2011 14:46

you sound bitter (understandably) and you are letting this get in the way of what your DD actually needs. your baby has a right to contact with both parents where contact does not endanger her. you have no reason to believe that contact with him will put her at risk so you have a duty to allow contact. infact you have no more right than him to withold contact. he is her father as much as you are her mother and the courts view it like that.

take it from someone who has been there, the quicker you can let go of the bitterness and the pettyness teh easier it will be for YOU and your DD. your EX is pretty likely to be given contact if he takes it to court. fighting him will exhaust you, unnecessarily. and when you are 3 years down the line and she is seeing him every weekend you will regret all the time you spent being bitter. for your daughter's sake, put the anger to one side and give him a chance. he hasn't asked for contact yet and he may never do it but if you don't give him a chance you have no right to say he isn't fit to be her father. if he fucks up teh chance then you get to say "no more, it isn't safe" but give him teh chance. you are only hurting your DD and yourself by holding on to this anger. please believe me. i was you 5 years ago.

BestNameEver · 24/05/2011 14:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pingusmumtoo · 24/05/2011 14:48

Sorry if you think I was being unsupportive - it really was a genuine question which you answered honestly - fair enough.
It's a really hard one though - it's so easy for 'fathers' to drop in and out of kids lives without any thought for the damage they can do but I don't see any way around it without (at some point) you becoming the 'bad' mum because you don't want her to see him. Though obviously this is years away.
And that's probably what will happen if the CSA go after him.
I think if he's named on the birth certificate you'll have a problem ever officially stopping him from seeing her though too.
All such a difficult situation.
And why do I think a police officer should behave better ? But I do.
My father wanted me too until I was born and then told my mother 'not to bother bringing that home' ... they were married, but not for long cos he was a complete twunt. And all that happened a very very very long time ago. But a tiny bit of me will always feel like there was something wrong with me which is daft (there's lots wrong with me Grin). He then 'sold' me and my brother for back maintenance when our (step)dad adopted us.

So I've been no help at all. Birth certificate is the big one .... if he's on it then your a bit stuck as he has rights.
If he's not on it then I'd go for the hand me downs and leave him well alone. Better for a child to be happy and not messed around and let down by a bad parent than dressed in new stuff and having dance lessons.

BooyHoo · 24/05/2011 14:52

OP if he did ask for access, why dont you try calling his bluff and seeing just how serious he is. tell him he can split care 50/50 and split all of the costs of raising her. that means he will have to be available to look afetr her over weekends, when she is sick, when she starts school when you are working and the CMer cant take her for some reason. call his bluff and see how serious he is.