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Original poster

can i stop him having access?

92 replies

ladyjadey · 24/05/2011 11:23

I have a DD who is 9 months old. Her father (sperm donor or SD as he shall herein be known) has seen her twice, once when she was born and oncw when she was 4 days old. she was in hospital at 11 days old with a severe eye infection, during which time he said via text, and I quote, "I can't deal with this, you look after her."

Since then he has not seen her, contacted me at all or paid any maintenance. As far as he is concerned, she does not exist. We have had no contact with him or any of his family, in fact I'm not even sure her grandparents know she exists.

The current situation sees me about to go to the CSA for maintenance. I think he will probably deny he is her father and have the DNA test. Which is fine by me, there is no doubt. I worry that when he starts paying he will try and get access. I don't think he will want to pay out for the privilege so he may not try to take me to court at all, but I fully intend to fight him every step of the way if he does. He has shown no interest in her at all, did not so much as send her a christmas card, and I see no benefit to her from having any involvement with him. What will happen if he does bother going to court? Can I stop him having access? He is not named on BC.

SD has another child who he does see. He sees her erratically, never looks after her properly not having enough food in his flat for her or a clean bed to sleep in. DD deserves better than that.

This is not about me or my relationship with him, I just want to protect my child.

OP posts:
pingusmumtoo · 24/05/2011 14:55

See ... I can't read - if he's not on the birth certificate it makes it a little harder for him to get access but he is still her father and if you want the money, go to the CSA now - if he wants some access in return for his cash then let him have it now - that way if he turns out to be a twunt then you can stop his access and she'll be too little for it to really affect her (hopefully). But the CSA will always be after him for the maintenance and you'll have done the fairest thing and he'll have made his own bed so to speak.

Original poster
ladyjadey · 24/05/2011 15:00

He is not named on birth cert because he would have had to be there to be on it as we were not married. He was not there because he had already said "you look after her".

And yes I am bitter, of course I am, I am only bloody human! I want what is best for my daughter, and that is why I never once said he could not see her. It is him that chose not to, and in doing so she has lost out on not only her dad but her grandparents, aunties, uncles, cousins and her half sister.

It is me who feeds her, clothes her, changes her bum, cuddles her, puts her to bed and gets up in the night when she needs me. He has done none of these things. I would have been happy for him to see her but he chose to walk away. I don't want her to be messed around but nor do I see why she should miss out on even more because I am limited in what I can provide for her.

OP posts:
pingusmumtoo · 24/05/2011 15:06

Why not ask him about his family - do they know etc. There's no reason she should miss out on them (if they want to) even if he's not bothered.

BooyHoo · 24/05/2011 15:07

liek i said, i understand why you are bitter. i get it. i have been thhere and it has taken alot of time and patience to get to a point where EXp and i are on good terms and beleive me, if it is at all possible, good terms is the best place to be with the person who has equal responsibility for your child. dont make this harder than it needs to be. it wont make you feel better to refuse contact out of spite. and spite is what this is. this isn't anything to do with him being a risk to her. my ds1 is now almost 6 but for the first 18 months i did everything myself with any help or money from EXP. and i was every bit as bitter and angry as you are. it is natural. but it isn't healthy and it isn't fair to make your DD suffer because of it. if he asks for contact then give him it. if he fucks it up then put a stop to it but at least then you can tell your DD that you gave him the chance. how awful would your feel in 16 years time when your DD asks why she never saw her dad and you know teh only reason is because you were being spiteful.

colditz · 24/05/2011 15:14

Oi! How about some fact checking before the rampant shitflinging?

If you aren't married, BOTH parents have to be present at the registry office for them both to be on the birth certificate. this child's sperm donor wasn't put onto the irth certificate because he fucked off after 4 days and said "You look after her".

This situation has not been the OP's doing. This hasn't been about what the child needs, and neither has it been about what the OP wants. This has been all about what Sperm Donor wants, all the way. The little girl would have had a respectable father if her father had chosen to behave respectably.

GypsyMoth · 24/05/2011 15:16

the birth cert....lack of pr,is merely a formality as far as courts are concerned. he can be granted pr easily

courts arent bothered about parent being absent in the past for whatever reason,its the future that counts,for the child.

its now about what the op wants for her dd.....

GypsyMoth · 24/05/2011 15:17

i hope your aggression wasnt aimed at me there Colditz??

gillya · 24/05/2011 15:40

15 years down the line. Bit through my tongue many years ago... when listening to the crap he spouted about 'forgetting' to pay support, how standing orders have spontaneously combusted, how I shouldn't ask for child support if I can afford to have a holiday, and the heartbreakingly endless sad pathetic excuses for lack of involvement in our daughter's life.
.
Work your way through the bitterness. Claim financial support through the CSA. Unless your daughter's biological father has convictions or there are previous reports that prove he is a danger to his child (unlikely to be the case if he is still employed as a serving police officer) then do no obstruct any contact efforts if they arise. Your dd will be a teenager before you know it and will make up her own mind....be the one who was there supporting her and facilitating her relationship with her father.....don't be drawn into text/email/voicemail contact that could be twisted later.
Be the best mum you can - deal with what you have and don't dwell on what you can't change.
It will be worth it.

colditz · 24/05/2011 16:19

Nope. it was aimed at BestNameEver, who whined at the OP about not putting the father on the birth certificate, as if the OP ever actually had that option.

For future reference, you cannot put anyone on a birth certificate unless they are married to you. They can only put themselves on, and SD chose not to do so.

colditz · 24/05/2011 16:24

All along it's been about what the SD wants. It's still going to be about what the SD wants, because he has made no effort to have a relationship with his second child. he already neglects his first child ("SD has another child who he does see. He sees her erratically, never looks after her properly not having enough food in his flat for her or a clean bed to sleep in. DD deserves better than that.").

Can nobody see why OP would not want their baby to be subjected to an unwilling and neglectful father who will only demand overnights to reduce his CSA payments?

scurryfunge · 24/05/2011 16:30

Totally agree that he is severely lacking in the responsible parent department and I would fight very hard not to let him have any influence if he behaved so badly. Unfortunately the law is on his side and the child has the right to see its father too even if he is a twat.

BooyHoo · 24/05/2011 16:31

"Can nobody see why OP would not want their baby to be subjected to an unwilling and neglectful father who will only demand overnights to reduce his CSA payments?"

i just want to point out that this guy hasn't even asked for contact yet so this is all hypothetical. he may never want to see her. he may just pay the money and stay away. i think OP should just proceed with her CSA application and deal with the other bridge when/if she gets to it. none of us are in a position to know what will happen or what is going on in the father's mind, and we definitely dont know that he will demand overnights just to reduce CSA payments.

GypsyMoth · 24/05/2011 16:34

thing is,having been through the court system,and seen a lot along the way,all i can ever advise is to expect the absent parent to get contact. it nearly always happens

in my case my ex got zero contact,but it was an extreme case and i know of only a handful of parents who got the same. no point in soft soaping or telling people what they want to hear.

26minutes · 24/05/2011 16:45

I don't understand why you're so worried about getting money from him. If he's not named on the birth certificate adn is showing no interest in her whatsoever then why bother rocking the boat? There's more to being a dad than donating a bit of sperm and paying a bit of money each week. If you don't want him to have contact with your DD but are worried that he will try to get it and PR if you claim maintenance, then it's simple. Don't claim it!

I've had no money from my ex for over 3 years, he provides no support for the children either physically or emotionally, he doesn't help out with their clothing costs or school trips or clubs etc. I manage perfectly well without it thank you very much. Yes before I met DP it was a struggle as a single parent, but he showed his hand very clearly when he chose to deliberately get the sack instead of pay for his children so I'm very proud to say that I have and will bring up my children despite having no help from him whatsoever. I can say that everything the boys have ever had, every toy, every item of clothing, every day out, every holiday, every meal they've ever had (and incidentally this goes back to when we were together as well) has been provided by me & my family only.

You don't need his money.

Pingusmumtoo "If he's not on it then I'd go for the hand me downs and leave him well alone. Better for a child to be happy and not messed around and let down by a bad parent than dressed in new stuff and having dance lessons." Agreed in full.

26minutes · 24/05/2011 16:49

Oh and my ex also makes damn certain that he has the DS's for the 52 nights a year that he needs them so that he doesn't have to pay maintenance. If he didn't I'd be entitled to a bank breaking £5 a week out of his benefits.

If he's going to make life hard for you & your DD by demanding contact when he doesn't really want it, don't bother with the money. Lack of money is far better than sporadic visits and what seems would be a bad influence on her life.

Tyr · 24/05/2011 17:51

26minutes, sorry but that doesn't make sense. If he has them at least 52 nights a year, it will be costing more than £5 p.w.
Parents (of either gender) don't maintain contact for those reasons.
If the OP's ex "demands" contact he doesn't want, he will soon find it more trouble than it is worth and give up.

BooyHoo · 24/05/2011 17:55

tyr the amount of maintenance is a % of the NRP income. for one child it is 15%. if the NRP is in receipt of jsa then yes the weekly amount could be as little as £5.

Tyr · 24/05/2011 18:10

I know that. What I 'm saying is that he would be better off paying the £5 and not bothering with the contact, if that was his motive in having 52 O/N's a year.
I doubt that is his motive.

BooyHoo · 24/05/2011 18:16

ah right. yes i see what you mean. unless the children are being delivered to him at bedtime and collected before breakfast then it wouldn't make sense to have them just to save £5 a week. then of course some people are thick and dont work out what it actually costs them. they cut of their nose to spite their face.

Original poster
ladyjadey · 24/05/2011 18:31

I just don't see why he should be absolved of all responsibility towards his child because he chooses to be a s*! I have not gone to the CSA before now to avoid this situation with the possibility of him demanding access just because he's paying for her and messing her around dropping in and out of her life when it suits. But it takes two to make a baby so why should he get off scott free? Isn't this what the CSA is for?

and thankyou colditz for seeing what I am getting at!

OP posts:
BooyHoo · 24/05/2011 18:42

he shouldn't get off scot free but are you pursuing the money because you need it or is it just to hit him where it hurts. because if it is the latter then i think you are stirring up a big can of worms that will benefit no-one.

if you need the money then apply for it, but apply with the knowledge that it may encourage him to seek contact and he will get it. prepare yourself for that. and if you can let go of the bitterness then you will make that journey a hell of a lot easier on yourself.

if you dont need the money and dont want him seeking contact then don't apply for it. dont go looking for trouble if you can avoid it.

BooyHoo · 24/05/2011 18:43

and i fecking hate it when an OP only thanks the one poster who says exactly what she wants to hear and completely ignores the others who take time to give advice based on their own difficult experiences.

GypsyMoth · 24/05/2011 18:53

Booyhoo....i agree with that!! makes you wonder why some people bother postingHmm

op......children are NOT pay-per-view!!!!! separate the two......before you get to court preferably

Original poster
ladyjadey · 24/05/2011 18:54

hey, i appreciate everyone's input here and think that is unfair. if I thanked everyone this would go on forever! I mentioned colditz because s/he seemed to be actually listening to what I was trying to say rather than barging in like others trying to make out I'm a bad mother for not allowing my child to see her father/naming him on birth cert/popping out kids for the sake of collecting maintenance etc etc

I am listening to everything everyone here is saying and understanding the experiences of others is helping me think logically about this situation rather than being blindsided by my anger.

I wouldn't be considering the CSA at all if I did not need the money. I do work but I'd be better off on benefits for what I pay in childcare. I'm only here at all discussing this because I want what is best for my little girl.

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 24/05/2011 18:56

i think she DID barge in actually....