can i stop him having access?

[ladyjadey]

I have a DD who is 9 months old. Her father (sperm donor or SD as he shall herein be known) has seen her twice, once when she was born and oncw when she was 4 days old. she was in hospital at 11 days old with a severe eye infection, during which time he said via text, and I quote, "I can't deal with this, you look after her."

Since then he has not seen her, contacted me at all or paid any maintenance. As far as he is concerned, she does not exist. We have had no contact with him or any of his family, in fact I'm not even sure her grandparents know she exists.

The current situation sees me about to go to the CSA for maintenance. I think he will probably deny he is her father and have the DNA test. Which is fine by me, there is no doubt. I worry that when he starts paying he will try and get access. I don't think he will want to pay out for the privilege so he may not try to take me to court at all, but I fully intend to fight him every step of the way if he does. He has shown no interest in her at all, did not so much as send her a christmas card, and I see no benefit to her from having any involvement with him. What will happen if he does bother going to court? Can I stop him having access? He is not named on BC.

SD has another child who he does see. He sees her erratically, never looks after her properly not having enough food in his flat for her or a clean bed to sleep in. DD deserves better than that.

This is not about me or my relationship with him, I just want to protect my child.

although I am starting to wonder why I bothered asking for advice and support here as it seems I have become the subject of a bloody witchhunt!!!!!!

at what point did I suggest my child was pay per view?

if you appreciate the input then say it. people aren't mind readers and they get pissed off when they think you are dismissing their advice because it isn't tallying with what you want to hear. i dont think i have been unfair at all in pointing that out to you. manners cost nothing. one post thanking all responders would suffice.

now, what is best for your DD is having access to both her parents where there is no risk involved. do you think she will be at risk from seeing her father? do you think she will be at risk from being prevented from seeing him i.e emotionally?

i'm just saying. the money/access shouldnt be linked.

is there a calculator on the csa website to calculate what you might be getting?

ladyjadeu you have had great advice on this thread. support doesn't always come in the form of hugs and huns. people telling you the facts of the matter is not being harsh. there is no point anyone sugar coating this for you and telling you he will never get access and to stand your ground because he will so teh best thing you can do is prepare yourself for it. i am prepared to stay here and talk through this with you but not if you continue to be so snappy with everyone who says soemthing you don't like.

It is best for your DD to have contact with her father. A strong sense of identity comes from knowing both sides of your family and a strong sense of identity feeds into healthy self esteem. Good self esteem is clearly a huge benefit in life and therefore for these reasons you do need to put aside your (understandable) anger and at least give your DD the chance of contact with her dad.

He is the only dad she will ever have after all.

Also, she is 9 months old so it is very early to be saying "well, he wanted out of her life".

I realise that at this stage it's a hypothetical problem as he hasn't asked for contact yet. So I would get some legal advice around what your options are for if and when this does happen.

It sounds to me as if a contact centre would be the best place for contact to start if he does want it; because you can be sure that he is supervised and that your DD gets the chance to get to know him in an environment which is controlled and which has her needs and welfare as paramount.

Contact centres are often used where there is a complete breakdown in communication between the parents.

Booy: I think there is undoubtedly emotional welfare issues if she never sees her father, but I think it could be very damaging for her to be picked up and dropped at will. I would rather she had the consistency of one parent she can rely on.

I am also concerned that he would not be responsible enough to care for her properly by himself. When he looked after his 6 yr old while I was there he had her overnight in his bed which had not had clean sheets on in 3 months. I took him clean shhets and he cut them up and used them as toilet roll because he had spent all his money gambling. That is true, honestly it is, I know it's hard to believe. He never had any food for her to eat and when i asked about her breakfast he said he would take her to mcdonalds in a few hours! I went and bought the kid breakfast myself and washed the pots so she could actually eat it.

That is not the sort of environment I want my child to be in. I don't think he would ever intentionally harm a child but neglect is neglect right? If I absolutely had no choice I would insist on supervised visits or for SD to see her at his parents.

Tiffany: There is indeed a calculator but is no use to me as I don't know exactly what he earns and it does not account for him already paying for his elder child.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank everyone who has offered advice!

why on earth did you have a child with that man?

ok so he is a dirty bugger. that can't happen if he is to care for your DD. a solicitor can advise you WRT that and I'm sure there is some sort of stiplulation you can make about cleanliness. if you are happier with her going to his parents then the court will take into account your willingness to be flexible. if i could advise you, i would say to try and keep it out of court. the longer it goes on the more it will cost you and at the end of the day you're starting this because you need money. go into this with an open mind. it is possible that he has changed. it is possible taht he might not have changed but that you applying for CSA has spurred him into wanting to change. give him the chance, that way, it will never be on your shoulders that DD didn't see her dad. you know the saying "give him enough rope" well do that.

sleeping the pregnancy wasn't planned. it's not what's important now anyway.

ladyjadey, it will be fairly straight forward to work out a Police Officer's wage if you know his rank and number of year's service. It might help with a basic calculation.

btw OP. no court or solicitor will advise your DD going straight to his house for an overnight. it will most likely start off with an hour long visit at your house so she can get used to him then it will be reviewed every so often and as long as DD is happy with him it will progress to him being allowed time alone at your house with her (you leaving the room) then him taking her out for an hour or two then him taking her to his place/ his parents' for a couple of hours and so on. only aslong as everyone is happy with it. he may decide that 2 hours every other weekend is all he wants.

You can buy toilet rolls for about 20p.
So if he's that skint I can't see you getting much CSA off him.

Christ, and this guy is a Policeman. Sounds like a complete f sociopath.

I certainly agree about finding a way to deal with your ( understandable ) anger. I'm not a Christian, but I've learned in life just how liberating forgiveness can be. Doesn't mean you have to have anything to do with him, but better to pity the fool than eat your self up with anger.

Write him a frank expletive laden letter and then burn it without sending it.

Just a suggestion.

And I agree with the comments about separating maintenance and access. I can't see him wanting access to spite you from what you've written, and if he does and your DD is neglected, report him.

The question of grandparents also comes into my mind. Do they know they have another grandaughter ?

go on jezza!!

helpful contribution mrsDrOwenHunt.

WTF is wrong with some people?! OP I wouldn't entertain anyone asking you why you had a child with this bloke and further more I wouldn't entertain giving them an explanation! Mind your own business it's not relevant to the Issue here.

Op there are a few people on here total pro fathers rights. And no matter what you say or what he did doesn't come into it. End of the day this is your child and you're responsible for her. If you think staying away from him is the best then do it. Not everyone can or will understand what it is like for you as we are all in different situations. As long as you bring your child up with decency and good morals I don't see the problem.

if you mean me violetV i can guarantee you that i am not 'total pro father's rights'. i am pro children's rights. and children have a right to a relationship with both parents.

"aslong as you bring your child up with decency and good morals I don't see the problem."

well decency would require considering what her DD would want and good morals means doing the right thing by her DD.

He gets paid reasonably well, he just thinks nothing of blowing a grand a month on online slots. He ciould afford toilet roll, it's just not a priority for him. Hopefully you can all see why I am better off without him!

The bottom lline is that I do want what is best for my daughter, and I have thought long and hard about the extended family issues. He SAID they knew about her, they certainly knew I was pregnant. I thought about contacting his Dad at christmas, sending him a couple of photos. I didn't know how to approach it, whether I should speak to SD first, what to say. I suspect he told them I'm a psycho and she wasn't his so they possibly don't even know she exists. In the end I just left it. I only met his parents once but they seemed like very kind and good people.

See, this whole issue is a huge can of worms!

I am angry, I won't deny it, and I am bitter but I think that over time I have become less so. I don't spend my days eaten up with hate for SD, I find that most of the time I don't think of him at all. Despite the way he behaved and the things he said and did, I DID give him a chance. I allowed him to be there for the wonderful moment she was born, and I welcomed him to my home to see her. If I thought that he would be good to her I would not try to stop him now. I don't think he is evil I just think he's a bloody big selfish D*! I can't make him be a father, much less a good father.

I would love to avoid court. I would love to avoid all dealings with SD! But I also want to financially provide for DD. It would be nice if she had other people that loved her too.

i'm not pro fathers rights either (i got my ex OUT of our lives legally with a section 91(14) so thats a wrong assumption)

however,i learnt enough along the way to realise that courts will give feckless fathers access in most cases....even those in prison get orders to have their dc brought into prison for contact......its called being realistic.

or should those who have been through court system lie about it???

op....even tho i got ex out of our lives,i still maintained contact with his brother and dad,who are lovely. could you approach his family?

Thing is, I'm all for fathers rights. my eldest sees her dad, he is actively involved in her life, comes to parents evenings, has her overnight most weekends and as far as I'm concerned I want them to have the best relationship possible because that is good for her.

My own parents divorced when I was young, my dad fought tooth and nail for access to see me and I love him eternally for it. My father is such a huge part of my life and I would never try to take that away from DD. I just don't think she is ever going to have that from him regardless of what I do.

tiffany: see above re. extended family! I don't know how to go about it!

Booyhoo, she can do right by her child by asking her when she's old enough to understand. Having someone in and out of her life isn't exactly doing right by the child either. If anything it's going to effect her longterm so I'm glad. You're pro childrens rights. It's not as if this father is taking the op to court to get his access or sticking his hand in his pocket to help raise the child. So I agree with you about pro childrens rights. But I also agree sometimes it's not always best to be subjected to a selfish adult who clearly doesn't give a shit.

ladyjadey, no parent is perfect. this guy sounds like he has a lot of work to do before he is anywhere near suitable to be a carer for your DD.

my EXp has come along way from when i left him at 34 weeks pregnant. he was a drug addict with no prospects, no drive, wasting his days in bed and going out at nights to blow all his money on drugs. when i left he got worse. much worse. he was there when our son was born and i thought that would wake him up and make him realise what he was giving up. it didn't. it took for him to hit rock bottom before he decided to make a change. he has turned his life around and when he gets the chance he is a good dad to my dcs. but when he isn't around them, he doesn't give them a second thought. he is happy (now) to pay money towards their upkeep and when he is on leave he will come and take them to his mum's house but in between times he doesn't ring to talk to them, ask how they are etc. it frustrates me no end that he can play the doting dad and then put them out of his mind as soon as he gets on that plane but for the sake of my DCs i bite my tongue. i have grown to accept that i can't make him a better dad than he wants to be and that my dcs will grow to realise in time that they are out of sight out of mind to their dad. it hurts to know they will realise this one day but there is nothing i can do to make him want to be more involved. i try and keep things on as best terms as possible because that way the lines of communication remain open and he is far more likely to keep me in the loop of what is going on and it's easier to ask for a bit of flexibility if i need to change and arrangement which is really important when you are sending your dcs away with someone. you need to know that this man will talk to you if he is concerned taht she isn't settling with him, you need him to be able to tell you when things aren't working for HER sake. in your shoes i would be doing all i could to keep things civil. animousity will only hurt your DD.

asking a child when she is older to understand is too late. that is a whole childhood lost out on where she could have seen her father and what if she cant understand? what if this little girl gets to 15/16 and just cannot accept her mum's reason for preventing contact. is that being decent?

i dont understand your objection to giving the relationship 1 chance. if thsi guy is as feckless as he sounds then he will cock up in no time at all and OP will be well within her rights to say "no more chances".