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Original poster

Does anyone feel criticised for having a larger family

63 replies

littledutchchicken · 14/07/2010 11:00

I have 4 children under 8 and have no family support other than DH. I live in an area where most families consist of 1-2 children.

Since having DC4 I've felt, on a number of occasions, that other parents have seemed to view this quite negatively eg I've receive comments assuming that we're on benefits (we aren't, the children have different fathers (they don't), 2 of them have been assumed to have been unplanned (wrong again), that I can't possibly have time to look after them all properly including doing homework with them (I'll concede that I do get flustered but that's because I want to make sure tha they all have what they need) and that I'm taking up too many local school places / placing a heavy burden on public services.

It had never ocurred to me that other people might view my family this way. Are these common reactions to families of 4+ children, am I giving a bad impression or is it just me being a bit oversensitive?

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Original poster
littledutchchicken · 14/07/2010 11:01

I will admit to having lost the ability to spell and punctuate, though.

OP posts:
4andnotout · 14/07/2010 11:12

I also have 4 aged 8 and under and do get some negativity, one of dp's work colleagues regularly gets on her soap box about us being a drain on resources However in our neighbourhood 4+ children is fairly common, we receive a lot of good humoured jokes Bout keeping the tiny rural school and preschool going. I was shocked recently to be asked very loudly over dinner how many fathers all my children have, if we hadn't have been at a professional event I may not have been so polite!

Original poster
littledutchchicken · 14/07/2010 11:15

It's not just me who gets there kind of comments then, how do you respond?

OP posts:
Comewhinewithme · 14/07/2010 11:21

I have 6 children 12 and under all to the same Dad and he works full time.
However a lot of people seem unable to believe that my children have the same Father and I am not claiming benefits,I think they are almost outraged that we are bringing our large family up quietly and happily and are not on the front page of the Daily Mail asking for a bigger house .

I have had the selfish comments, the how do you cope comments but the stupidest by far is "Did you have all these girls because you wanted a boy?" My eldest is a boy and I have 5 girls but they can't seem to understand that I have a son already.

4andnotout · 14/07/2010 11:22

Regarding the fathers thing it depends whom I'm talking to, my dd1 does have a different biological father but no contact and calls dp dad, however if someone is being rude I ask how many fathers their children have and then point out how rude it is to assume!
We get asked a lot if we have tv so we usually joke that it's all because of the amounts of repeats, dp shut someone up the other day by just telling them we are always at it like rabbits

Ragwort · 14/07/2010 11:23

Am amazed just how rude people can be - actually I also get comments about only having one child ie: not fair on child to not have a sibling, thinking my DH and I are selfish, snide comments about preferring to spend money on ourselves, assuming we have fertility problems or 'left it too late' - none of which are true. We just made the choice to have one child; why are people so negative about other people's choices? As a parent you can't win whatever you do!

The point about being selfish always riles me - both DH and I do endless voluntary work with other people's children. Rant over.

Comewhinewithme · 14/07/2010 11:31

I agree ragwort lots of people feel free to comment on people who only have one child.

My sister gets a lot of qustions about hurrying and up and having a baby which is heartbreaking for her as she has fertility problems.

Toughasoldboots · 14/07/2010 11:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pollyanna · 14/07/2010 11:35

have 5 children, people do feel able to make all sorts of comments about not having a tv, being catholic, asking whether they're planned, asking whether they are all from the same father etc etc.

BUT I also get alot of good comments about how nice it is to have a large family.

My mother is my biggest critic.

I do think that when you have children (however many) you suddenly become public property and people feel that they can say whatever they want to you.

foreverastudent · 15/07/2010 12:40

My Mum (having only had 1) thought that me having 2 was to many!

I think mothers get critisised no matter what we do/don't do. Parents of 1 get called selfish and materialistic so it's swings and roundabouts.

LetsHaveAnotherOne · 31/07/2010 22:27

I am dreading the criticism. We have 4 DC (although most mums at the school gates think 3 because eldest is at college and so rarely seen!). Just found out we're expecting a surprise no 5 (all being well - just in very early stages of preg at the mo).

I can just imagine the gossip about being irresponsible etc - and the comments about how to give each child enough attention.

My mum will go mad - she had 3dc and each time I've had another she's suggested it should be my last (since dc1 arrived!).

I don't feel terribly criticised at the moment - like I said - most people think we have 3, but I think we'll get more comments once we have this new baby (fingers crossed it all goes well and the new baby actually materialises!).

GirlofCadiz · 02/08/2010 09:07

Don't listen to these people who are negative. Big families are wonderful. The world is not overpopulated or lacking in resources. People are starving because of politics and economics not a lack of resources. I really think that people who come from larger families are better adjusted. And with the elderly population increasing at an unstainable rate we need workers to not only care for them but to pay taxes to sustain services. What they themselves paid into the system doesn't even come close to paying for all the care they will need and expect.

By 2040 something like 66% of the population is going to have dementia and require expensive care. I read this somewhere anyway. If people keep only having two children per family and older people keep living longer requiring expensive care the entire system will collapse. It is in a state of collapse already anyway.

MathsMadMummy · 02/08/2010 09:17

I'm jealous of you having a big family - maybe the people commenting are jealous (not that it's an excuse, I'd never be so rude!)

I have a boy and a girl, both planned, and would've loved a bigger family but I just know I couldn't cope with more as I am prone to depression, and we can't afford it anyway (FWIW we do get some benefits, my DH's income is very low and I'm studying so I can work when the kids are in school)

I know a few with 3 kids and they are amazing, I honestly don't know how they do it. I always say "that's more kids than I have arms"

people are rude about onlies too, I hope nobody thought badly of my mum only having me, as she had 2 MCs after me. but being an only did influence me to have more than one child.

probably the meeja is to blame here, there's that 'octomom' thing. but did anyone see a few shows about a huge family in the US, they were Pentecostal IIRC, they had about 16 kids and they homeschooled and built their own house together! they seemed amazing and the kids were so lovely.

I don't buy that 'more kids = more resources wasted" thing either, you can be a childless singleton and be wasteful and contribute nothing to society, or you can have a massive family of well-brought-up, eco-friendly children that go on to become scientists etc!

CupcakesHay · 02/08/2010 09:22

Ignore them. I am expecting my first, and if we could afford more, I'd have more. I've known families with 7 children in them - all lovely children very well brought up. We're not living in China for godsakes. People are allowed to choose how many children they have!

MathsMadMummy · 02/08/2010 09:24

oh and all that talk about too many babies is bollocks IMO.

in school we learned about population pyramids

this is our pyramid. hardly pyramid-shaped is it! it means we need more babies IIRC...

bigcar · 02/08/2010 14:32

mmm, I think you mean the Duggars 19 dcs at the moment!

I think people should learn to keep some of their opinions to themselves. Everyones entitled to their own view, doesn't mean they have to share it

DinahRod · 02/08/2010 14:58

MIL keeps saying "I only ever thought you;d have 2" as if it's unheard of to have anything else (we only have 3 btw). In her hearing dh keeps saying "After the 4th..."

buttonmoon78 · 03/08/2010 17:33

I'm in a slightly different situation as I had really bad SPD with my 3rd. At the time, when he was born and everyone said 'no more' I couldn't have agreed more. But now (he's 3) I'm so truly broody and I worry about what family would say if we went for no 4.

Also, having had a hard labour (with SPD and back to back) I would seriously consider a cs. And I know that with how bad my SPD was last time it would be pushed as the reasonable option.

So they'd have that stick to beat me with too!

abr1de · 03/08/2010 17:46

Britain has a baby boom and that's one reason why fields round here are being torn up--to build more houses for the 70 million or so of us that will live on this little island.

I have friends with large families and they are generally delightful and I love them dearly. But I don't believe anyone who tells me the world is able to manage all these people. It's not. The south-east isn't, that's for sure. Not enough water for starters.

buttonmoon78 · 03/08/2010 17:55

I quite agree with your point about water abr1de. The South East is fit to sink under the strain as it is. However, there are lovely parts of the British Isles where there are fewer people. And indeed, areas of the planet where there are too few people.

Siberia anyone?!

rosiecayte · 06/08/2010 23:16

We've got 7 and have had all the comments under the sun. I must admit there have been occasions when I have pretended to be their nanny! We both work and juggle the childcare between us as we have no family.
With all the media coverage about the aging population and how there will be more retired than in work in the not too different future you'd think people would like people having children as they can at least pay in to the pension pot when we are all living off it!
Thankfully there are a few families here with 6 or 7 children and we all work and non of us live in council houses!
Each to their own

CoinOperatedGirl · 07/08/2010 01:08

I must admit I would judge anyone coming out with the overpopulation/limited resources stuff as an easily led, sheep like, twat. We have 3 kids and don't really get any horrid comments, but due to the internet I see that a lot of people are horribly ignorant and rude to boot.

bronze · 07/08/2010 19:38

My problem comes whens they play up in public as most children are prone to every now and then. I can tell they are judging me 'why did she have so many children if she can't cope with them'

I've felt this so much that at a particularly bad time in my life I had a moment of really not coping at a school event and ended up saying 'see this is why I shouldn't have had 4 kids' and I got such a look from a mum as if to say 'no you're right you shouldnt have'
Now I can't even look at her. I so' regret it.

atswimtwolengths · 14/08/2010 00:54

I'm coming at this from a different angle, as the middle of 9 children. None of us children went on to have large families - we all had to help look after the younger children (absolutely inevitable in a big family) and none of us wanted our own children to go through that.

My parents had a large family because they were Catholic. I think anyone who has a very large family thinking the children benefit is absolutely fooling themselves.

I wonder what it is about women who want to keep on and on having children. Why is it, when one child is born, it's not enough and another has to be conceived? When is enough enough?

juuule · 14/08/2010 13:16

atswimtwolengths, "we all had to help look after the younger children (absolutely inevitable in a big family) and none of us wanted our own children to go through that."

I'm interested in your statement as I have 9 children and am wondering what kind of 'looking after the younger children' you are talking about and how that might be different from being in a family with fewer siblings. I don't get the impression from my own children that they feel put upon in any way due to having several siblings. I'd appreciate any insight you could give that they might be resentful of later. Thank you:)

As regards "Why is it, when one child is born, it's not enough " that's a bit tricky to answer. You could ask "why does anyone have one at all?"