Does anyone feel criticised for having a larger family

[littledutchchicken]

I have 4 children under 8 and have no family support other than DH. I live in an area where most families consist of 1-2 children.

Since having DC4 I've felt, on a number of occasions, that other parents have seemed to view this quite negatively eg I've receive comments assuming that we're on benefits (we aren't, the children have different fathers (they don't), 2 of them have been assumed to have been unplanned (wrong again), that I can't possibly have time to look after them all properly including doing homework with them (I'll concede that I do get flustered but that's because I want to make sure tha they all have what they need) and that I'm taking up too many local school places / placing a heavy burden on public services.

It had never ocurred to me that other people might view my family this way. Are these common reactions to families of 4+ children, am I giving a bad impression or is it just me being a bit oversensitive?

Sorry, juuule, I've only just seen your reply.

In my family the older girls couldn't go to the shop without taking a couple of the younger ones with us. We couldn't go to the park without even more with us. It was hard for us to sit and read quietly without being told to play with the little ones (if my mum was trying to get something done.)

We had to walk the younger ones to school across a main road - we were too young for that responsibility - we would just close our eyes and run! (There were no traffic lights on the road.)

The main thing, though, was the amount of housework we had to do. The boys got out of everything by going into the bathroom and not coming out until it was done. The older girls would have to wash up/dry dishes for eleven people every night - you will know yourself how long that can take, with pans etc. Just peeling potatoes etc seemed to take ages. All our food was home cooked, so there was a lot of preparing food and washing up to be done.

What I meant by "Why is it, when one child is born, it's not enough" is that when we're pregnant, all we hope for is a healthy, happy baby. It preoccupies us (or it did me.) Then when the baby is born, it seems counterintuitive to then immediately want another. I remember just minutes after my daughter's birth thinking I wanted another immediately, but I think that was the hormones talking and when I calmed down a bit I could see that actually I had what I'd wanted.

Things may well be different now, too, of course, with more convenience food and equipment.

I think the main thing, for me, is that I never had time alone with either of my parents. When I left home and had flatmates whose mothers really missed them, I realised the difference in our upbringings. I know my mum missed me, but I wasn't essential to her life, in a way - she would deny this, but it's a feeling most of us have had. I'm not blaming her for this, because there were so many of us, but if one isn't there (and I don't mean died) then there isn't the sense of loss that might be felt in a smaller family.

Do you come from a big family yourself?

Not all big families are wonderful.
Dh is one of 9, there were 3 sets of twins under 6.
He hated it- had no attention and generally a crap childhood.
Horrendous mother.

I'm one of 5, 2 of us have had 4. I liked it and observe that my 4 (5 and under) like it too.

atswimtwolengths - your comments are very useful and i have taken note. I was a younger one so didnt see that perspective.

Re original question - yes, I get alot of OMG! how do you manage, you must be superwoman, you need to get a telly. Very occasionally i get 'were they all planned' - i usually say 'that's a rude question'. Never get gyp about draining resouirces or different fathers. There are tonnes of people round here with 4 or more

Just don't enter into debate - just say' that's a bit rude really, isn't it?'

atswim, maybe it's more different parenting styles than number of children. Although I can see where it could be tempting to spread the load onto the children when there are more of them, it isn't inevitable.
I have never insisted that the older children do anything that they were reluctant to do regarding the younger children. I always took the children to school. Whether rightly or wrongly I never felt that it was fair to put that responsibility onto the other children even if they offered and if something had happened (however unlikely) then I don't think any of us could have lived with it.
As regards teatimes etc. I've found that the younger children tend to want to help with things so I give them opportunities to help. As they get older I've found that they seem to make themselves scarce or are busy or just going out or whatever excuse and generally get out of doing stuff (that's boys and girls).

As regards flatmates whose mothers really missed them - I'm sure your mother missed you just as much. I can't speak for your mum but each of my children is essential to my life. While I don't feel that we need to live in each others pockets, without any one of them I would feel incomplete. After reading your post, I'm thinking that perhaps I should tell them more often that this is the case.

I didn't come from a large family (2 siblings).

i was interested in your posts atswim as my MIL had 10 children and though managed on fil's low salary, dh was often hungry for example growing up so resources were overstretched and there were other reasons he might have found this hard. However he is still so pro big families (ironically we're struggling to conceive a 2nd child) and I love them too, whilst his younger brother initially didn't want children at all as a reaction against their upbringing. Maybe some children thrive and others don't? I do notice dh had less one-to-one time with parents than me with one sibling but then he has the benefit of so many fantastic siblings

Unfortunately we had a brother who had serious mental health problems (untreated) who made home a very difficult place to be. It's interesting that none of us have gone on to have big families.

Thanks, juuule, for saying that my mother must have missed me, but I'm not sure. I was quite troubled at home and not having me there was a relief, I think. Obviously if someone asked, she would have said she missed me (or any of the others, come to that) but I had no sense of it.

And yes, with regard to poverty - my dad had quite a good job and they were very careful with money (ie no drinking, gambling, etc) but money was incredibly tight. I know my brothers were often very hungry and I remember I wouldn't leave the room mid-meal (eg for a glass of water) because my food would be gone when I returned a minute later.

That does sound a difficult situation, atswim. As deaddei says 'Not all big families are wonderful' (as are not all smaller families). I can understand why you all would want to avoid creating a similar situation.

Thank you for posting, atswim. I hope things are better for you all now you are older. If you don't mind me asking, do you have a good relationship now with your siblings?

Yes, excellent relationship though we are all spread out geographically. Excellent except for with my brother - I haven't spoken to him since I was 8.

Dh has 5 siblings with mental health problems, and has no relationship with 7 of them. Even his twin.
They are a very odd family- he is quite difficult to live with at times.

atswim, it's good to hear that you have an excellent relationship with 7 of your siblings. One thing I hope for mine is that they always have someone to turn to after we (their parents) have gone. I was hoping that with their being a few of them they would have at least one or two that they got along with.

Deaddei - I suppose this proves that nothing is guaranteed and that a large family doesn't necessarilly mean a close family.

there

absolutely juule- there are 3 of us and I've only seen my sister twice in 10 years.
Familes, eh!!!!!

I will igore the post by atswimtwolengths at it is mean spirted. I know many people from large familes who loved being part of one. You would likely feel disgruntled if you had been just one or two of you.

I do feel judged but more often I am met with admiration and envy and people say they wished they had more children.

Christie - I'm not sure how atswim commenting on her experience of life in her large family is being mean-spirited.

She may have been 'disgruntled' in a smaller family or maybe not. No-one can tell. But I think she was just mentioning that the fact of being a large family doesn't automatically make things Waltonesque.

People will always judge no matter how many kids you do or dont have, if its not how many it will be what sex you have if its no that it will be thier behaviour or thier father...

The only time i hve ever judged a large family id one woman whos children are at the same school as my dcs she has 10 children and is pregnant, she is always complaining that the council wont house her as her situation is due to a lifestyle choice, she is also always banging on about how much she gets in benifits.... i judge her becuase she is constantly chewing my ear orf.

Apart from that i dont.

Sorry I haven't been back to this thread for a while but DC5 put in an appearance on 2 Aug. My first girl after 4 boys which is lovely but now people will probably assume I only had 5 dc because I wanted a girl. In any case this is my last child now, I wanted to complete my family before the age of 40 when all the risks go up and I'm too worn out to cope.

I am sorry to hear that some people had bad experiences of large families because they had to do so much for their younger siblings, it sounds sad and I'll try to remember this.

Christie2 - far from being disgruntled, I learned to be a pleaser from a very early age - this is something which has created problems for me throughout my life. Three of my sisters are in a similar position. I think this is because we underwent serious sexual abuse from my brother which we were unable to tell my parents about because we knew they had so much on their plates. Children are often carers to the parents in situations like this, or perhaps you didn't realise.

It's easy for people to envy a large family, but ask them why they didn't have one. I think that often that sort of remark is throwaway, as in "Oh how lovely for the girls to have so many sisters" without realising those girls are desperate for individual attention from their parents.

The fact of it is that on occasion (I'm sure your perfect family is not like this) a large family means that there is literally less time per child than there is in a small family. If one child's needs are excessive (ie my brother's violence and sexual aggression) then other children's needs may not be met.

It is extremely naive to assume all large families are happy. You may want to justify your lifestyle choice but please take into account not all families are as perfect as yours.

Actually, christie2 I am absolutely furious that you said:

"I will igore the post by atswimtwolengths at it is mean spirted."

I am in fact the ONLY person who has posted here who is from a large family, yet my post saying that it was a very difficult childhood is met with you retort above.

Do you realise how upsetting that is, to see such a remark?

Large families...

We have 3 near us who have 6+ children now - when I met one of them I believe that I actually said "ah, you're that mum" before realising how rude I was being. Everyone knows "the woman with 8 children" and who always seems to be pregnant.

I personally, do not like the idea of larger families as I am convinced that this leads to older siblings being expected to look after younger siblings and also to take part in an excessive amount of chores.

My son is nearing 3, and I'm quite happy just having him. All of my time spent with my Mummy hat on is exclusively his, as well as all of my money to spend for Christmas, birthdays, summer holidays and trips away can be spent just on him. There is no "not one without the other" and I'd never be able to be like this with a second child, or like this again with my son if I had more children. I just do not think that having more children would be fair on either of us, as we have our life as we like it, and I'm not really keen on changing it.

I always wanted more, being one of 3 it just seemed normal to want 3/4 chilren, but now that I have my son, and know how expensive and time consuming having just one child is, I'm happy for us to stay like this.

CRIKEY is now the word that I use when I hear that people have more than 4 children - mainly because I know that I would not be able to manage with that many children and am absolutely astounded that they managed to get them all to school on time in the morning!

I have 6 children, 10,9,7,3,2 and 15mths and pregnant with number 7.
I have been heavily critisied and lots of staring when we go on holiday etc.
Myn husband works so I am mainly on my own, which at times can be chaos!!
My mother recently said how proud she was that I manage to get my older 3 to school on time and smartly dressed!
I was very annoyed with the story the Daily Mail a few months ago regarding a large family living off benefits demanding a bigger council house, this type of story gives other larger families a bad name.