Does anyone feel criticised for having a larger family

[littledutchchicken]

I have 4 children under 8 and have no family support other than DH. I live in an area where most families consist of 1-2 children.

Since having DC4 I've felt, on a number of occasions, that other parents have seemed to view this quite negatively eg I've receive comments assuming that we're on benefits (we aren't, the children have different fathers (they don't), 2 of them have been assumed to have been unplanned (wrong again), that I can't possibly have time to look after them all properly including doing homework with them (I'll concede that I do get flustered but that's because I want to make sure tha they all have what they need) and that I'm taking up too many local school places / placing a heavy burden on public services.

It had never ocurred to me that other people might view my family this way. Are these common reactions to families of 4+ children, am I giving a bad impression or is it just me being a bit oversensitive?

I too have 6 children....with No 7 on the way...

I rarely give my children chores (I personally think they have too much homework to contend with at our primary school!)

but if they misbehave (children from big families sometimes do this ...I will give them a small chore such as wiping some doors, or putting away some toys...( the ones above age 5 of course, the younger ones still do naughty step)
but I am fair in how I treat them all....usually doing things when they reach an age.....which applies to them all reaching said age....so the older ones are never burdened just because they have younger siblings.

I was raised with 2 sisters and my mother was awful....giving me & my older sister everything to do....whilst the youngest never did a thing....ever !!
I resented my mum & youngest sister (still do!!) so I vowed NEVER to repeat my mums mistakes...including hitting & cursing...putting kids down etc.

I think some children from big & small families have a hard time because of how they were parented....its usually nothing to do with the size of the family.....

I never think Im always right...so im always watching supernanny/parent programs for even more tips & advice....just incase I may not notice something that could affect how they feel....

I want all my children to feel loved/wanted & special & never to feel like they were put upon or left to the wayside...
I love all my children dearly & equally...and would be horrified if they ever grew up & later said they felt unloved.

people judge me all the time, and I used to be upset by this....but as I get older, Im getting mentally stronger...Its my family, my life choice...and Im raising good decent well turned out children...

.....unlike so many yob families out there...if anyone shouldnt be allowed to populate the world...it should be those awful wasters who dont care what their monster kids get up to...and end up terrorising neighbourhoods & filling our jails!!! ......
.....rant over

Sarah Derbyshire I personally, do not like the idea of larger families as I am convinced that this leads to older siblings being expected to look after younger siblings and also to take part in an excessive amount of chores.

Bullshit

We have 6 children and the teenagers are as idle as any from a two parent family.....

the pressure is probably on US as parents to NOT let our children do chores for fear of judgmental recriminations from folk like you

"the pressure is probably on US as parents to NOT let our children do chores for fear of judgmental recriminations from folk like you"

Lol - nothing to do with pressure from mine. I just can't get them to do anything much. They always seem to have something much more important that they 'need' to do.

atswimtwolengths my ds1 has just left home (ish - university) and I and his siblings have all missed him terribly

If you could hear him talking about how much he cant wait to see his brothers 'faces at the window' as he walks up the street next weekend - you might change your view

there are LOADS of lovely positives.

I do all the cooking -washing -cleaning
we have 2 dishwashers
the split of ages is big in our house - meaning i have time in the day for them all
I would not have done it if I didn't know I could look after them all and give them my all

I think that our society has become very selfish so the thought of devoting time to a family bigger than 2 is absurd. We want our 'own' time and space and new things ets so the thought of investing time in others is almost an obsolete concept.

Oh and can I ask what's so wrong with getting older children to help care for the younger children? I think there is more to childhood than just fun and games. It's also about learning to be responsible. I find nothing wrong with asking an older child to do something for the younger. How else do people learn? I think this type of attitude has lead to people just looking out for their own. For example, I was at a soft play and a child was crying, several mothers next to the child continued to play with their own children not even asking the child what's wrong.

I feel that an important part of life is giving of one's self in service to others. An important part of a successful family is everyone taking part.

Atswimtwolenghts - I feel really sad at what happened to you in your family but I feel that it wasn't necessarily the large family that was a hinderance but just a particular family member. And I'm sure if it had just been you and that family member things could have been just as bad especially since only recently (10 -15 years) we as a society have started acknowledging mental illness and sexual abuse. Again, I hope you've managed to heal from this dreadful situation.

OP - I am in the same boat as you - I think we are the only family in our village with 4 children and I always get the same comments;

"how do you do it", "were they planned", "are you planning any more (in a sort of tut tut way)", "you have your hands full", "are they all yours" etc.

I do find it tiring sometimes, as I would like to get out of the house and back without receiving similar comments...

With regards to the other comments about older kids made to do things...not in our house.

My kids are not expected to do any chores at all or look after other siblings. Unless you count them playing with each other or helping each other if they are hurt as helping. But they just do that spontaneously and it's lovely to watch!

well said zola

I have 12 DC and expecting twins.
I have received all comments imaginable it used to sometimes drive me to tears. But after no. 9 I just thought so what, and I usually can now come up with a polite come back!

I run our farm shop so my regular customers are used to seeing me pregnant all the time! But sometimes especially the slightly older (50 ish) women are so rude, the other day one said
"Good god you are breeding again, what is wrong with you, don't you get enough out of your other children"

I have to admit this did upset me as my eldest was helping me in the shop that day.

But honestly the good comments I get (which there are lots of) make up for the bad ones a million times over. People are always commenting how, polite, bright and beautiful my children are and I know these comments to be true.
I know I am raising my children well, and that they are going to grow up to be brilliant adults. As long as we can manage comfortably in all areas I will continue to have more.

Zippy101- I would love to have that many children. My dh is not soooo keen but I think it's beautiful.

I love big families.

Multiple miscarriages after dc3 means that number 4 is less and less likely. But my sister is having her third so I will babysit.

I have 4 DC and have generally had positive comments but I can still remember what my Sil said when I was pregnant with DS2 (3rd child).

I've never really got on with her (she's my DH's brother's wife) because I always felt she looked down on my slightly. I do a job I love (primary school teacher) and to me money isn't everything whereas she is all about the money (I know it sounds harsh but there's background)

When we announced I was pregnant, she was just weird about it. She told me I was being irresponsible having more than two DC because "I'd never be able to afford prep school".

When my DH said that wasn't important to us she said "Why make life worse for the children you've already got? You're being so selfish... parents are meant to look out for their children's best interests not just make their lives worse by splitting their parent's attention hundreds of ways!"

Needless to say, we've never really got on since then.

Zola78 - i so totally agree with what you said about it being good for children to take part and help out. they have to learn to do their bit in life. also it bonds them to the family group, teaches them about relationships and being thoughtful.

hmmmm, am wondering at what age my eldest daughter can do a bit of washing.......!