Missed uni offer after difficult year and unsure about resitting or just pushing ahead? Any advice?

[chrisijj]

This ended up super long my apologies :(! Had a lot on my mind but tried my best to cut it down

I had an offer to study a degree at Cambridge that i’d wanted for years and genuinely loved, it’s a degree only offered there. I narrowly missed it, i had a remark done but it was unsuccessful and i’m now 8 marks away on the paper i had remarked and its hit me harder than i expected.

I’ve struggled with my mental health since around gcses, i went through a very similar period where my mental health deteriorated badly, i didn’t have enough support and i still managed to get all As and over though i fell short of the goals i’d had for myself.

In sixth form i was still carrying a lot of those issues. My parents had divorced during gcses and my mum moved out during year 12 and my sister left for uni and i stayed with my dad for the stability. He often wasn’t around much because of work and theyd been separated for a while (but living together) and my mum did almost all of the childcare so i was looking after myself a lot more. There were periods where i was struggling quite badly and would be out walking around late at night, and i also had to deal with food and the mess of the house a lot and eventually developed a folic acid deficiency.

Then a relative died in the summer of year 12 and i moved in with my mum. I only got my stuff back, clothes, desk, pc, all of it, about 6 months after moving in with her, after she threatened to call social services (for some reason ???), i passed that onto my dad and (they don’t talk) i was FINALLY blessed with all my stuff after living in an utterly empty room with a fold up bed for months.

A few months into year 13 i was sought out diagnosed with depression despite a hell of a lot of discouragement from my mum. By the time i got my camb offer i was incredibly happy but about a month afterwards i started to realise my mental health was deteriorating again. I could see myself heading towards the same place i’d been in during my gcses, including struggling with suicidal thoughts and not having enough support, and i became really worried i’d push through and get good enough grades to technically do well but miss something that mattered enormously to me.

I actually raised with my school the possibility of sitting my A-levels the following year because of this. I was reassured i’d have support so i decided to continue. A few months later, about a month before my exams, i ended up in hospital for a couple of days because of my mental health. I went back to school afterwards and carried on. Exam season was horrible and i came out with AAA.

Now i’ve missed camb and i’m in a very bad place again and my mum has been pushing strongly for me to go to my insurance. She’s been asking when i’m buying things and when i’m moving, telling other people i’m going in September, getting family and family friends to encourage me. I understand why, it’s a very good uni and she wants me to take the opportunity i’ve been given. She isn’t someone who’s never cared about my mental health but she struggles to understand it and conversations about it can become quite harsh and dismissive. Right now i don’t feel like we’re actually having a conversation about whether i’m ready, it feels like the decision’s already been made and i’m genuinely not sure that im ready.

I’m struggling with fairly basic day-to-day things right now. Moving hours away, looking after myself, making friends from scratch, adjusting to a completely new environment and immediately starting uni-level work feels like a lot when i’m already struggling. At the same time i desperately don’t want to give up on cambridge, especially since the degree isn’t offered anywhere else. My plan in taking a resit would be to try get back in and ive contacted some colleges. A single A-level resit can potentially be considered where there are exceptional circumstances which im not even sure I qualify, but i’ve also been told a stronger application would generally involve resitting all three together.

I know resitting doesn’t guarantee another offer, i could spend another year working towards camb, improve my grades and still be rejected, but if i don’t try i worry i’ll always wonder whether i could have done it if i’d been in a better position. I also have to be honest about whether i’d actually be mentally ready for somewhere like camb even with another offer, a year out wouldn’t magically fix everything and camb would still be a huge move and academically demanding, so i’m also questioning whether i need more time to become stable before starting uni anywhere.

The problem is resitting would mean committing to another year of exams when i’m currently not in a good mental state, i’d have to decide very soon and then commit to getting through another year. So i feel completely stuck.

What makes this so difficult is ive already seen this pattern once during my gcses and i was worried about it happening again before my exams even started, i tried to flag it and i carried on anyway, and now the thing i was frightened of has happened.
I don’t really have anyone helping me weigh this up properly. My family are mostly encouraging me to go and i understand why, but i don’t feel like anyone’s helping me think through whether i’m actually in a position to do it. I just wish i’d pushed harder for help when i knew things were getting bad.

Just any advice would be super helpful, sorry for the rambly post

Well done on achieving amazing grades in spite of all the challenges you have faced. Can you defer your offer and consider your options?

Sorry to hear all of this - it sounds really tough, can I ask what your insurance offer is and whether it was somewhere you liked enough to put down or just somewhere you put because you thought Cambridge was in the bag? Regardless and before you do anything I think I would contact Cambridge and talk all of this through with someone in admissions/the college and ask how they would view a resit and re-application. Also have a good think about how you’d feel with no offer from Cambridge and going to your insurance offer or AN other in a year - would you feel pleased at giving it a shot or like you’d wasted a year when all is not great at home?

i would think it’s v unlikely you’d get another cambs offer if you didn’t achieve the grades first time round. And even if you did get an offer (presumably at similar high grades to your first offer) there’s no guarantee you’d get the grades - particularly if you’re not mentally well at the moment.

my advice would be to take the insurance place and consider asking them to defer entry for a year so you can have a break from exam and uni application stresses, rest, recover and improve your health before starting a course in sept 27. You could use the time to work or travel, to take the focus off academic things.

What feels now like the be all and end all really isn't, just be kind to yourself and take some breathing space.

Oh love - what an impressive and self aware young lady you are - I want to give you a big hug after all you have come through

you know the folic acid deficiency? Did the GP find that? I ask because it’s relevant to your mental health. Also if your folic acid is low then it’s likely other things will be too such as iron or vitamin D. All these things are relevant to your mental health.

can you please go back to your GP and even show them this post and ask them to check your B12, folic acid, ferritin and vitamin D levels? Tell them you are very keen to stay mentally well and need to check. You could stick this into AI for a better way to explain it if you like!

I would then take time to get well. Really nice basic foods - meat and veg and fruit. fresh air.

what would I do now? I think you seem to know the answer already - your are being distracted. You are worried for your own health as you know that trumps all.

sound like you need a gap year. I’d defer my offer and take time to recover . Whatever you do you need a break to get better . Be kind to yourself you’ve been through a lot .

I’ve struggled with my mental health since around gcses, i went through a very similar period where my mental health deteriorated badly, i didn’t have enough support and i still managed to get all As

How old are you, OP? Getting As on your GCSEs makes you 24+.

Or in Wales / Northern Ireland maybe.

Op, I’m going to offer some advice.

I went to Cambridge. At the end of the day it’s just a university, and when I went on to further study I actually found the (lower ranked) university much better for me.

Cambridge is very intense and has a lot of pressure.

you’ve been through some serious change and difficulties. It’s genuinely not worth doing resits for the chance to go to Cambridge. Go to the other uni, or take a gap year and focus on yourself.

Seconding @Octavia64 OP my son's long term girlfriend is at Cambs she's on antidepressants and honestly she's one of the ones doing well mentally!! My cousin went (she's 38) and has never recovered her mental health properly. Please go to your insurance or accept and defer for a year. Live your life and enjoy it!

OP - those are amazing results and you sound like a very impressive young woman. I don’t want to offer advice because I don’t know you, or the course you want to do. Some things to think about though, have you spoken to your insurance uni - could you defer and have a rest / earn money? Do you think you could cope at Cambridge, other people might know more about the specific course. Did you speak to Cambridge and explain your circumstances. Have you seen a counselllr?

Echoing others, my YP went to Cambridge for a year and got very poorly mentally, it’s really not very good for mental health support. They took a year out, got a job which they now do in the holidays, and are now at Durham and the difference is amazing, partly because of the year out and partly because of the much better support.

Honestly I don’t think resits will get you a Cambridge offer. They will be overwhelmed with people with top grades and even if you have them by then there will be enough people who got them at the first sit. They won’t take the risk. I know you have good, genuine reasons but they won’t care.

I agree with go to your insurance offer but take a year out first so you’re in a better place when you start. Otherwise you run the risk of getting ill in your first year. Uni is stressful. Moving away from home is stressful.

@chrisijj Cambridge now offers a foundation year. Do you meet the criteria for that? https://www.undergraduate.study.cam.ac.uk/courses/foundation-year

I also don’t think you will get an offer from Cambridge if you resit. But also you do not sound like you are mentally ready to start university at your insurance in two weeks either.

I think you should defer your insurance if you can, take a year out knowing where you are going to be going next September. This will provide you with some stability. As will working for a year as you will then have money.

I do not think you should so resits. You have three As. It’s time to look at what is going to happen next.

I would take the offer from the Uni I hot the grades for and seek help for mental health.

Dear OP, I think you sound like a remarkable young person having been through so much and still ending up with such good grades. Did you/school let Cambridge know of your family circumstances and your consequent struggles with your mental health? At this stage, if you are reasonably happy with your insurance, I would probably suggest deferring for a year and prioritising your mental health. Seeking some support from mental health services is typically easier once you are 18 (CAMHS have very long waiting lists compared to adult primary care services). You can ask your GP for a referral to NHS Talking therapies (or self-refer) and ask for an evidence-based psychological therapy like CBT. Then spend some time working, saving some money for travel and fun things. Feeling better in yourself will make it easier to think about your options. If you love the idea of Cambridge then maybe coming back there for a masters could be a future plan?

Alternatively, if your current living arrangements are not great, and making you feel sad, perhaps going to university now and seeking help there would be a better option to get away from a difficult situation and start afresh. Most universities have excellent mental health support on offer as so many young people struggle. You are not alone and things will get better but you need to get some help. Wishing you all the best.

DD missed her first choice and accepted her insurance offer with a year’s gap. Best thing she ever did. She worked and travelled in the gap year and said she was so much more ready for uni and able to cope with it because she was a year older.

Some people just make this conversion themselves to indicate all 8s and 9s.

Cambridge is always going to be around for post-graduate study.

Go to your insurance, flourish.

If you have mental health difficulties I’m not sure Cambridge is the right choice anyway. You seem to be hyper focused on it when in reality there are many different routes you can take to succeed and be happy. I would move on from the Cambridge idea and take your back up either this year or next.

FWIW I was depressed late teens and had a difficult home life and getting away was great. I did have a wobble at one point at uni and self medicated a bit too much with binge drinking but by the end of uni I was much more stable. Honestly have been happy and content since I left education (I too got A’s at A Level so nothing to do with struggling academically). I think distance from a difficult home life could really help.

Hi, OP -

I am a former admissions tutor. I am in a highly ranked STEM School in the tier just below COWI ( Cambridge, Oxford, Warwick, Imperial). I too think you sound wonderful and perceptive.

But I know something about Cambridge admissions and the Cambridge Teaching and Learning modality, and I agree with PP. It is very rare to get a second offer. Whilst your circumstances are hugely sympathetic, mental health challenges are not the special circumstances they have in mind. Then, as you say perceptively, you would have to deal with the stress of (likely) three exams again, and there is no telling how that would go.

Also as PP implied, the Oxbridge tutorial system can be brutal. It is a great way to learn but only for those who can participate intensely, week after week, and take criticism robustly. Someone’s job is literally to criticise your work on a weekly basis! Tact is variable.

I think you are wise to question your readiness to begin uni now. I have sat on many Mitigating Circumstances panels, and the single biggest recurring problem we see is a failure by students and their families to acknowledge MH problems, their depth and their persistence. It only gets worse as it goes unaddressed. The single biggest thing you can do to get off to a great start at uni is to arrive healthy, mentally and physically, ready to embrace all that is on offer.

I agree 100% that a gap year now is a great idea. Get healthy, hopefully enjoy yourself and perhaps earn some money, have some good experiences. Then go and embrace your future. If you want Cambridge, you can apply for PG studies there.

Very best wishes.

If you don’t think you are up to resitting exams then you will struggle with Cambridge or indeed many uni courses which assess throughout the year. Can you defer your insurance choice and use the time to work on your mh and resilience.

I think it also says on the Cambridge website that they don't take resits. They mention that they are an exam heavy university and expect people to get the grades the first time round. At least I read this when my two were applying to universities in 2024 for 2025 entry.

You do sound remarkable OP and you have had a lot of challenges to contend with. Would you say what your insurance is and what the course is? Some one here might be able to set your mind at ease.

I'm sorry you missed your Cambridge offer but please be proud of your A level results. 3 x As is no small thing, particularly experiencing the adversity you have. Well done.

It's difficult to advise you without knowing you. A gap year might be what you need, or a change of scenery might be what you need, in which case, take the insurance offer, contact the university now and get some counselling put in place. Do you like your insurance university and course choice?

Does your mother want you to go because, knowing you, she thinks it would be the best thing for you? Would you be proactive in seeking out the support the university can offer if you ask for it? I think you might be better off where you will get the most support to sort out your mental health - only you know if that is home or away from home. I wish you luck. Life is long, there's no rush to have it all figured out right now.