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Higher education

Talk to other parents whose children are preparing for university on our Higher Education forum.

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Original poster

Ds not going to graduation ceremony

67 replies

Starisnotanumber · 19/06/2018 17:19

I know it's his right not to go but I would have loved to see it. I don't really know what is involved but it's a definite no. His girlfriend and him state it's a waste of money and they are just going to get a picture of themselves in a mates gown for the parents.
His dad and me have done everything from nativity plays football matches school concerts and it would be great to finish his education this way.
Still at least he's getting us a photo.

OP posts:

Fed · 19/06/2018 18:11

Would he do it if you pay?
DS wasn't going to go to his as he thought it was a waste of money and an excuse for the uni to make money. When he realised how disappointed we would be he relented. He actually had a lovely day meeting up with his uni friends again.

eatyourveg · 19/06/2018 21:33

ds1 didn't go to his - he said he didn't want to "dress up to look like a prat just for a photo."
I was disappointed but as you say, it is entirely their decision. he's doing a masters now and graduates again in the autumn so there is a second chance but he is adamant he is still not going to the ceremony.
ds3 has 2 years to go and will embrace the dressing up with gusto so I will at least get one photo (assuming he doesn't flunk his finals) :)

EduCated · 19/06/2018 21:38

If he’s adamant he won’t, what about arranging a nice meal or something specifically to celebrate his finishing and graduating? Just something nice to take some time as a family to acknowledge his hard work.

Original poster

Starisnotanumber · 19/06/2018 22:22

Thanks for the replies I will ask again. Having thought about it we will offer to pay for gown hire for both of them. It may be end of term financial problems and they're both trying not to loose face by saying that they can't afford it. They're still in uni town as the rental contract is for another month or so.
I'll ask about if he wants us to go down and do something as a family.(was hoping to meet girlfriends mum and dad too they live on the other side of the country so would be nice to see them)

OP posts:

Definitelyrandom · 20/06/2018 01:09

DS1 wasn’t terribly fussed either way and certainly wanted the minimum amount to go to the University administration. DH went to the ceremony, I watched it on livestream and neither of them went to the reception. DS said at the time that his masters graduation would probably be more of an event and I think we will make a bit more of a do of it. (I don’t recall being very excited by my graduation ceremony either).

TisNowt · 20/06/2018 15:52

Graduations are not everyone's cup of tea but hopefully if you offer to pay and explain how important it is to you then he might change his mind. If not then a family celebration would be a lovely alternative.

Did he achieve the degree he wanted? Might it be because he was disappointed in what he achieved?

Personally I think the gowns and the expensive photos are really naff but I guess some people like them. 👨🏻‍🎓👩🏼‍🎓👨🏻‍🎓👩🏼‍🎓👨🏻‍🎓👩🏼‍🎓

MrsJayy · 20/06/2018 15:58

Dd1 didn't go to hers she was working and didn't want to take the day off she said it would be a waste of money and annual leave I thought I would feel dissapointed for a while but in the grand scheme of things it didn't matter,

BubblesBuddy · 20/06/2018 16:47

I actually think students who do not go are rather selfish if the parents would like to go. Students should acknowledge that parents have helped them and it’s very self centred not to take on board the views of their parents. My Mum was denied seeing my sister graduate from UCL and, as it was shortly after our father died, it was selfish in the extreme. It’s a good lesson for the future - you have to think about other people and sometimes do things you are not so keen on to please others. I’m rather old fashioned in thinking my DC have a duty at certain stages in life to include their parents and think of others such as grandparents. Luckily they do!

Who cares who makes money out of the day? Often universities go to a certain amount of effort for the day. I think if parents want to go, and are willing to pay (we did) then their DC should have the good manners to accommodate the wishes of their parents.

purplegreen99 · 20/06/2018 16:49

I didn't go to mine (many years ago) & don't feel I missed out on anything, though I can see your point of view as I would quite like to go to see my own children graduate when the time comes.

My view at the time was that the point of university was the study, socialising and qualification. I didn't see the point of a ceremony, dressing up, having a photo, etc. A bit like having a big expensive wedding rather than focusing on the commitment, relationship, etc.

I think it would be nice to offer to pay for the gown hire if that is what is putting them off, but not if it makes them feel pressurised into going.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 20/06/2018 16:57

should acknowledge that parents have helped them and it’s very self centred not to take on board the views of their parents.

Or you could view it with pride. Why not be pleased they are grown up enough to make this decision rather than do it because it is what is expected of them? Seriously graduations are thoroughly boring and the do indeed cost a lot of money.

llangennith · 20/06/2018 17:42

Neither of my two who went to Uni wanted to attend graduation. They kept quiet about it and I only found out too late. I was disappointed but got over it.

DoctorDoctor · 20/06/2018 18:07

certainly wanted the minimum amount to go to the University administration

The robe hire money goes to the robe hire firms, not the university. Also, while some universities charge for graduation tickets (though others don't), they also spend quite a bit on graduation in terms of organisation, refreshments, venue hire and so on.

Personally as an academic, while not all the speeches are everyone's idea of fun, I know many families really enjoy their kids' graduation, and I am (with a very few exceptions) always pleased to meet the loved ones of the students I've been teaching and hear how proud they are. It's a really nice thing to do.

OP, I'd play up the 'one more big day with your uni mates' aspect of it and offer to pay the gown hire. Possibly tell him how much it would mean to you to go, unless you think that would make him dig his heels in more.

moodance · 20/06/2018 18:12

Lots of people don't bother ... I didn't ...

Loopytiles · 20/06/2018 18:15

Did he get a good degree? If so that’s the main thing.

I didn’t enjoy my graduation ceremony, it was boring, but did enjoy lunch beforehand with my parents.

I wouldn’t suggest meeting his gf’s parents!

DelphiniumBlue · 20/06/2018 18:20

Does he know how much you would like to go and see him graduate?
I only ask because one of my sons wasn't going to go, he hates having his photo taken, was saying it's a waste of money etc, but caved when I pointed out how much i'd been looking forward to it, reminding him of the support he'd had and so on. He drew the line at official photos, but other than that enjoyed the day, and the sense of completing the deal.
Hopefully yours Wil bring himself to be gracious and indulge you!

PhilODox · 20/06/2018 18:31

Students should acknowledge that parents have helped them and it’s very self centred not to take on board the views of their parents.

Really? My parents refused to pay the parental contribution, so I had to work all the way through my degree course, definitely cost me a degree class. I refused to let them attend my graduation, as they were going round saying how supportive they'd been

MyWiFiHell · 20/06/2018 18:35

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BrownTurkey · 20/06/2018 18:35

Just say you would like to celebrate with him and how would he like to mark it? It doesn’t have to be the formal bit. Nice of them to think of you with the photos.

Wish I hadn’t done mine, my ddads gf spent the night before wailing and walking out of their hotel and then my dm and ddad came to the ceremony while my poor mum’s husband and dads gf had to watch from outside.

BubblesBuddy · 20/06/2018 23:52

PhilODox: My DHs parents didn’t get round to paying their contribution to his grant either and it left a very nasty taste in the mouth so I totally understand where you are coming from. They didn’t get the parental support thing at all. However, for normal parents who have supported their children through thick and thin, I think it’s good manners to have the conversation and go to the ceremony if the parents would like it.

Yes, DC are adults when they graduate and can make their own decisions, but it doesn’t mean it’s the right one though! Also, their views and decisions can, and should, be challenged if they are not respectful of their parents views. They do need to have empathy and not be selfish. It’s a good lesson for success at work and in life, if nothing else.

GardenGeek · 20/06/2018 23:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HeddaGarbled · 21/06/2018 00:09

They are a bit of an ordeal TBH. Hotels are booked up well in advance, parking on the day can be difficult, then you have to queue to register, queue to get gowned up, queue for photos, queue to get into the hall then sit for ages waiting for it to start, sit through boring speeches, clap strangers for an hour.

For shy students it’s an ordeal: the terror of tripping on that journey across the stage, or a spatter of half-hearted applause when the previous student got whoops and whistles.

I would offer to pay for everything (tickets, gowns, photos, commemorative sweatshirt, dinner out after) and tell him that you would love to go. Good luck.

Original poster

Starisnotanumber · 21/06/2018 08:13

Texted him to say I will pay for gowns etc. Hopefully will get a positive reply but who knows. Does anyone know if they separate the degree classes on stage or just go up in name order? It could be that as he's down a grade from what he expected. Still proud of his achievements though.

OP posts:

greendale17 · 21/06/2018 08:16

His girlfriend and him state it's a waste of money and they are just going to get a picture of themselves in a mates gown for the parents.

^So they are happy for their mate to pay the money to hire out the gown but won’t pay themselves. Cheapskates

DoctorDoctor · 21/06/2018 08:30

Name order is the norm now OP, though I can't guarantee it's done everywhere. I would make sure he knows it means something to you and it's about celebrating three years of work and their place in his life. The degree class disappointment throws some light on it.

LittleCandle · 21/06/2018 08:38

I didn't really enjoy my own graduation, but that was because my fiance was in town but didn't turn up. He was working, but hadn't even asked for the time off, which spoiled it for me a bit. Wish I'd taken heed and not married him DD2 graduated last year and it was rather fraught, as the weather was atrocious and we got severely held up getting there. It took almost 2 hours instead of the usual 45 minutes. She didn't even know we had arrived until she saw us when going up for her degree. It was lovely to see her receiving it, after all her hard work and fierce independence. It was also lovely to cheer on some of her friends that we knew as well. She is doing a Master's this year and I have her graduation day booked off. The photos that were taken last year have very special memories for us.

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