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Higher education

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Original poster

Ds not going to graduation ceremony

67 replies

Starisnotanumber · 19/06/2018 17:19

I know it's his right not to go but I would have loved to see it. I don't really know what is involved but it's a definite no. His girlfriend and him state it's a waste of money and they are just going to get a picture of themselves in a mates gown for the parents.
His dad and me have done everything from nativity plays football matches school concerts and it would be great to finish his education this way.
Still at least he's getting us a photo.

OP posts:

Peakypolly · 24/06/2018 19:07

My DD's graduation day was one of the happiest of my life so far.
Education is a priority for me and having not had the opportunity myself I was delighted to bask in her glory. It was also good to meet the fellow students who she had spent time with during her three years and whose antics had entertained me via DD's stories.
I realise that makes me seem pretty tragic.
I didn't even know it was optional for the graduate to attend so I believe it never crossed my DDs mind to miss it. She had got the two allocated tickets and we arrived at the venue at 7am to try and get extra tickets for her siblings. In the queue were family members of other graduates from all around the World. Great atmosphere.
Truly happy day

BackforGood · 24/06/2018 20:00

Doesn't make you seem tragic at all Peaky.
I loved my ds's graduation and am looking forward to equally lovely days for my other dc.
It seems a common theme amongst my friends.

Igmum · 24/06/2018 20:23

Offer to pay for his gown hire and take him and GF out for a nice meal (or whatever they would like to do). In most places the costs are for the gown hire rather than anything else and the department will probably put on some nice food/drink etc. This is probably the last opportunity he will have to get together with all of his student friends and most do go to graduations these days - and all the ones I go to are in alphabetical order, not degree class any more. Good luck

BubblesBuddy · 24/06/2018 22:28

You may not go up in degree class order but some do give the classification in the programme. Your mates are going to know but DD had a friend that got a 2/2but she had struggled from day 1, so it wasn’t unexpected really. It’s hard if all your friends do better then you.

The problem is, he’s got the classification for life. It’s not going to change so I don’t agree with the idea that it should stop him attending the day with his parents. I guess he wasn’t embarrassed to take the parental contributions to his living costs. Or all the other support he’s had. It’s funny how we give unconditionally to our DC all their lives but they don’t learn to give a little bit back for one day.

I’m sad for you, op.

AtiaoftheJulii · 24/06/2018 22:40

I didn't go to either of my graduations, just wasn't bothered, although I was proud of myself for completing the degrees. If my kids want to go to theirs, I'll go along, but I am so not interested in dressing up and sitting through the ceremony! If they don't go, I'll count myself lucky

I find the "we paid for it, do it for us" a bit odd. It's our choice whether we contribute or not, I'm not doing it to get anything back! If I give any of my kids money towards a wedding in the future, I won't expect a say in what the wedding's like!

goodbyestranger · 24/06/2018 22:52

I think you're wise to not push it OP.

I also don't quite get the idea that parental support has to be reciprocated somehow.

All my DC have been to their graduations and I have to say I do really enjoy going out for a family meal at a place of their choice the evening before etc and I do feel very proud of what they've achieved but I would never ever push it especially if one of them was disappointed with their grade. And I certainly don't feel owed - far from it.

BubblesBuddy · 25/06/2018 13:13

I think the point I was making is, that in return for a lifetime of support and especially at university, one day isn’t a huge sacrifice for DC to make. It’s thinking about others rather than yourself. That’s a good thing to try and do in life. It’s a single day! It’s not a lifetime of care and payback! It’s not really a choice to give to students either. Most parents have to and of course do it lovingly and willingly.

You don’t have to dress up to go to degre ceremonies. That’s very outdated now! You just turn up in something comfortable.

I think this graduation ceremony boat has sailed though.

goodbyestranger · 25/06/2018 14:18

I've bought a new summer dress for each of the two graduations I've got coming up in the next few weeks and I only buy new stuff infrequently. But then there's a lunch for each one so I think there is actually a certain onus to look vaguely smart, short of wedding smart though. Everyone else does always seem to look a lot smarter than me!

Bubbles I just mean that as a parent I reckon that sort of thinking is a bonus, not a right. I agree it's good for DC to be considerate in that sort of situation, obviously, but I'd never articulate it to them, even if they weren't downbeat about grades.

AtiaoftheJulii · 25/06/2018 18:33

You don’t have to dress up to go to degre ceremonies. That’s very outdated now! You just turn up in something comfortable.

So, jeans and a t-shirt would be ok then? I don't really think so

goodbyestranger · 25/06/2018 18:37

Any dress I've worn has always required heels because I'm quite little, and they absolutely kill me. Comfort is the last possible adjective I'd use to describe the sensation of a full day on heels.

AtiaoftheJulii · 25/06/2018 18:40

Heels????? Oh god, I'm never letting any of mine graduate

BackforGood · 25/06/2018 23:04

You don’t have to dress up to go to degre ceremonies. That’s very outdated now! You just turn up in something comfortable.

I disagree with this. I've been recently to my ds's, but have seen photos of lots and lots of graduations over the last 5 years or so (my dc are just that age that their friends, and my friends dcs, and all DN's, god children etc are all of graduating age). I've never seen any of people not dressing up. Ds wasn't at a "posh" university by any means, and everyone at the ceremony dresses up. You would be very out of place if you didn't make an effort.

Fed · 26/06/2018 10:51

I think the whole family attending the graduation is a lovely celebration of all the hard work and the start of a new chapter in their lives. Sometimes we do things we are not keen on because it matters to those we love. DS was reluctant but went ahead wholeheartedly when I told him it mattered to us.
To be honest the ceremony itself is long and dull, especially if they dredge up some old duffer of a professor who is renowned in his field but goes on and on......
As to dressing up, you would feel excruciatingly underdressed in jeans and t shirt. There were parents from all over the world at DS's graduation dressed in spectacular finery. Think wedding outfits.
I was glad I had on a nice dress.
Actually he didn't do the formal photo other than the group one but the photos we took as a family are lovely.

Laniakea · 26/06/2018 11:06

I didn’t go to mine (x2) either, don’t regret it at all & tbh it didn’t cross my mind that my parents would be disappointed (whoops). My sister graduated last year & tbh it didn’t sound fun ... an exercise in who could spend the most money (new clothes, pre drinks, post drinks, dinner, photos, video ... some ppl (not dsis!) even bought gowns ????). It’s very public & communal too & I’m not good at small talk.

MoreAndLess · 26/06/2018 18:42

You don’t have to dress up to go to degre ceremonies. That’s very outdated now! You just turn up in something comfortable.
^
^
I've been to three graduations in the last two years and you wouldnt have been out of place dressing up and you wouldn't have been out of place not dressing up. I guess you might have looked a bit out of place if you were scruffy though.

All at RG uni's not that that makes any difference whatsoever.

MoreAndLess · 26/06/2018 18:42

Sorry missed the quotes

BubblesBuddy · 26/06/2018 19:01

When Mum and I went to another Dsis graduation, half the women wore hats!!! So did my mum. I didn’t really mean jeans when I said something comfortable and there are other alternatives. I have seen dad’s in jeans though . I’ve seen Grayson Perry in a dress too. Who cares! If you want to rock jeans, rock jeans. No one has to be a sheep anymore!

I can also say it really depends on university. LCF - lots of “fashion” and street cred parents. More so than the students! Oxford and Cambridge - this would be unusual. However it’s not vital to drsss up and neither should it be. Most DC accept parents for who they are: tattoos, piercings, shorts (seen that too) and Doc Martins. It’s all there in a parent body. So celebrate the way you want to celebrate and if you like jeans and a t shirt and can carry it off, why not? Some t shirts and jeans cost £££££!

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