Menopause, mental health and fears about coping alone in older age

[Pollysitdown]

The state of my mental health seems to be taking a downward spiral since entering menopause.
It looks as if I have a ND (yet to be diagnosed) Complex ptsd. Low mood. Anxiety. Probably more. Unmedicated at present.
In spite of seeking help, I have so far hit a brick wall. The NHS mental health service is not fit for purpose - certainly in my experience. Exploring possible private psychiatry.

With the help of my partner I manage household and 3 dc.
My partner has a series of health conditions. Chances are I will outlive him though who knows.
I don't like being alone. I dread living alone. I feel lonely most of the time.

I'm trying to expand my social network. What a struggle it all feels.
I'm not keen on the idea of going into supported living. I don't navigate relationships easily.
I want to live with one of my dds ideally or have a house share situation such as the one organised by AgeUK if I make it to older age.
I can afford to pay for some companion care but not a full time carer.
I'm dreading older age. I'm just about functioning now. Either the menopause or ND are affecting my cognitive function and my anxiety levels.
I am physically doing okay.

I fear I'm going to be a burden to my dc (3 girls) to whom I am close. All three living at home currently and empty nest not imminent.
I often have suicide ideation as it all feels overwhelming. Mumsnet ...I've got all the relevant numbers, I don't need them repeated and I'm not active in this respect.

I have always had mental health issues and now they seem exacerbated.
I don't know what I'm asking. I suppose whether anyone is in a similar situation or has similar fears.

Perimenopause/menopause can't be underestimated for the effect it has on mental health. I keep reading about women who have kept a lid on or masked conditions such as ADHD until hitting peri. Often not knowing they even have it.

How old are you OP? Are you perimenopausal or periods stopped and gone through menopause?

It happened to a friend of mine. She'd always had a bit of a tendency towards OCD and being a bit anxious, but it went off the charts in her 40s, along with very depressive and suicidal at times. It was hard to see. HRT along with other meds helped massively.

Are you on HRT?

I wouldn't say I have exactly the same fears, but hitting my mid 40s seems to have come around very fast and I find myself feeling like old age will be upon me faster than I'd like.

Because of the c-PTSD your mind is more attuned than most to searching for answers to problems – with the trauma the answers may not exist; with the age related issues the problems do not yet exist.

I dread living alone.
I'm dreading older age.

When you fear or dread something your mind will try to think of every conceivable way of avoiding that thing happening; when children are scared of the dark they will refuse to go to bed or be left alone.

If, however, you can reframe your thinking – with professional help – you can change the way you think about your future. Curiosity is probably the best substitute emotion, because when we are curious about something we explore it from every angle, rather that push it away.

You will get older. But you might do as a champion bodybuilder or as someone who travels the world investigating rare moths. Or as a public speaker on the benefits of ageing.

You might live alone. You might be delighted to do so. Or you might start a commune for people who were once scared but are now curious.

Your worries are not baseless but they can be turned around. I'm reminded of what @FixMePlease wrote on my AMA;

"Hello thread. I posted elsewhere on MN a few weeks ago, feeling low, lost and, quite frankly, broken. This was the name change I used to create that one, desperate cry for help. I was feeling overweight, middle-aged and menopausal. @eyesopenwideawake was on of the people who responded and offered support. Long story short, she took me on as a client. I've been on MN forever but this is the first time I've ever disclosed my real name to another poster, let alone met up with them online. It just felt right, and I'm glad I went with my gut on this.
I genuinely recommend getting in touch with *@eyesopenwideawake (and have recommended her to quite a few people IRL too). Our work has been truly transformative for me. For the first time in years I feel like me again and I've found my drive and direction. I'm focused on my health and career goals and can't believe the difference just a few short sessions has made. It feels like magic."

Thank you for posting.

I think the change in mind frame you suggest is like me finding the door to Narnia and entering through it. It is all wildly optimistic. And makes me feel even further from how I 'should' be. Proactive, happy and getting on with things.

There is also no 'me' to go back to. I have always been like this except the menopause has seemingly exasperated everything.

There is also no 'me' to go back to.

You are still there – and there is a 'you'. It's the 'you' that posted, looking for help. If you didn't think/believe/hope that change was possible, in some form or another, you wouldn't have create this thread.

@Pollysitdown YES YES! I have been worrying about this - see my thread: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/childfree-mumsnetters/5577781-anyone-else-worry-about-getting-oldsick-when-theyre-alone?reply=154748744.
I am post menopausal and over 60. These fears used to cross my mind occasionally but seem to have taken more of a hold since DP was diagnosed with a heart problem.

I don't have kids and only one really close friend who doesn't like talking about the 'heavy' stuff in life. I'm still self employed and the nature of my work means I can carry on past retirement if I want. It's more a way of life really, so if anything happened to DP, at least I would have a consuming interest.
I've been having panicky moments and feeling stressed/exhausted as I'm trying to be positive for DP who is understandably concerned. I had a breakdown years ago and really don't want to do that again!

I think the only thing we can do is try and live in the present whilst reframing the future. I'm learning a language to try and keep my mind occupied. I'm going to try and expand my social circle and keep as healthy and fit as I can. I have no family left so quite envious that at least you have children for future company.

HRT for starters.

My ADHD became apparent in peri / menopause. I was on HRT and still completely flat and anxious. I changed the formulation and upped the dose of Oestrogen and I got myself back again and stopped my meds. The night time 30 year panic attacks stopped.

Take a look at the Balance website & app and the related Dr Louise Newson podcasts - she does loads in regards to mental health and hormones. There are lots of episodes about women with lifelong struggles for whom hormones may help - alongside other treatments. You may find some of them resonate with you.

You say unmedicated - that is the first place to start. Try an anti depressant which also helps with anxiety. My life has been improved immeasurably by one post menopause, plus I am on HRT, and feel very supported by both.

Sorry to hear you are feeling this way too. I am going to read your thread.
Thank you for posting.