I’ve got a long history of struggling with my mental health, nothing significant diagnosed bar the usual depression and anxiety but if I’m being honest I’ve never been completely upfront about how I’m feeling with medical professionals nor family and friends. I really struggle to talk to people about it, I keep my cards quite close to my chest and keep things vague, I’m never truly honest about how I’m feeling and always downplay it.
For a long time I’ve had visions of running away and just disappearing. Where I don’t know, it was never suidical ideations as such, more that I just wanted to be anywhere but here. It’s always been vague but I’ve never actually done it. It was almost a comforting, distance thought that even though I’d be letting my family down, I could run.
Things have escalated recently and I have a plan but not to run away but to just end it. I know where I’d go, how I’d do it, what time of day I’d go to avoid being caught out. I don’t intend to act on it currently, but I’m scared I’m just going to snap and just say fuck it and go ahead with it. No-one knows.
I’ve been to the drs multiple times and been to counselling, nothing changes though. Antidepressants don’t help. I was referred to community mental health several years ago because of how I was presenting and my family history and it was an awful, short lived and unhelpful experience. I don’t know what more I can do as I just go round in circles. I put my game face on when I leave the house but it all comes crumbling down at home and I know even when I’m not at home I don’t always put on the most convincing performance. I’m so anxious all the time feel and tightly wound up and it manifests itself as paranoia. I over analyse interactions that I have with people and fixate on their views of me and it’s exhausting.
I didn’t have a bad childhood; there are elements that were less than ideal where I saw and experienced things I shouldn’t have but overall I didn’t have a bad childhood, particularly when you compare it to other people who really did have traumatic upbringings. There is close family history of mental illness, addiction and neurodiversity which I won’t go into as I’m anxious it’s too identifying. I’ve got children, all of whom are primary age and younger. I’ve got a partner (who is the kids dad) but we’re pretty distant from each other unless we’re in front of other people. We’re not rich and sometimes it’s tight but generally it’s okay. I’ve got some family around but not many. I’ve got friends. I don’t love my job but it’s pays the bills and is flexible. I don’t have a bad life. I feel like an absolute fraud to be feeling the way I do when there’s people out there that live in true chaos and would kill for a life like mine; roof over their heads, food to eat, normality.
I don’t really know where I’m going with this. I just needed to get it out somewhere where no-one knows me because I feel like I’m suffocating.