Can’t keep on like this.

[numbandexhausted]

I’ve got a long history of struggling with my mental health, nothing significant diagnosed bar the usual depression and anxiety but if I’m being honest I’ve never been completely upfront about how I’m feeling with medical professionals nor family and friends. I really struggle to talk to people about it, I keep my cards quite close to my chest and keep things vague, I’m never truly honest about how I’m feeling and always downplay it.

For a long time I’ve had visions of running away and just disappearing. Where I don’t know, it was never suidical ideations as such, more that I just wanted to be anywhere but here. It’s always been vague but I’ve never actually done it. It was almost a comforting, distance thought that even though I’d be letting my family down, I could run.

Things have escalated recently and I have a plan but not to run away but to just end it. I know where I’d go, how I’d do it, what time of day I’d go to avoid being caught out. I don’t intend to act on it currently, but I’m scared I’m just going to snap and just say fuck it and go ahead with it. No-one knows.

I’ve been to the drs multiple times and been to counselling, nothing changes though. Antidepressants don’t help. I was referred to community mental health several years ago because of how I was presenting and my family history and it was an awful, short lived and unhelpful experience. I don’t know what more I can do as I just go round in circles. I put my game face on when I leave the house but it all comes crumbling down at home and I know even when I’m not at home I don’t always put on the most convincing performance. I’m so anxious all the time feel and tightly wound up and it manifests itself as paranoia. I over analyse interactions that I have with people and fixate on their views of me and it’s exhausting.

I didn’t have a bad childhood; there are elements that were less than ideal where I saw and experienced things I shouldn’t have but overall I didn’t have a bad childhood, particularly when you compare it to other people who really did have traumatic upbringings. There is close family history of mental illness, addiction and neurodiversity which I won’t go into as I’m anxious it’s too identifying. I’ve got children, all of whom are primary age and younger. I’ve got a partner (who is the kids dad) but we’re pretty distant from each other unless we’re in front of other people. We’re not rich and sometimes it’s tight but generally it’s okay. I’ve got some family around but not many. I’ve got friends. I don’t love my job but it’s pays the bills and is flexible. I don’t have a bad life. I feel like an absolute fraud to be feeling the way I do when there’s people out there that live in true chaos and would kill for a life like mine; roof over their heads, food to eat, normality.

I don’t really know where I’m going with this. I just needed to get it out somewhere where no-one knows me because I feel like I’m suffocating.

First off, stop comparing yourself to other people – you are not a fraud and your feelings are valid.

Secondly, when can you remember beginning to feel this way? The anxiety, the over-analysing and worrying about what people think of you? Was there a particular trigger or did it develop over time?

Thirdly, when we feel desperately unhappy or unable to see a way forward it's "normal" for the mind to consider every option available, even the most extreme. It doesn't mean you are going to act on it but you should talk to someone to let them know how you are feeling, so that you can get the help you need right now.

The Samaritan's number is 116 123. https://www.samaritans.org

Hi OP, firstly I am so sorry to hear how you are feeling and I can also relate. You are not a fraud at all and your feelings are valid.

I understand that unhelpful interactions in the past with medical professionals may have deterred you from seeking help again, but please do consider reaching out to someone to talk about how you are feeling. Perhaps a family member or friend? Or does your workplace have any mental health support services they offer?

Please do consider seeing your GP again, as they may be able to help - I have recently been referred to a local service called Talking Therapies, and although it was hard to open up at first, it has been helpful overall and I am making slow progress.

As the previous poster has already said, the Samaritans are always there to listen on 116 123.

Mind also have some useful information too:
www.mind.org.uk

You can also call the NHS 111 and select the mental health option. Or go your local A&E if you feel you may be in danger at anytime.

I really hope you are able to reach out for support in real life, there will always be people who want to help you. You are not alone in this.

I know it feels very overwhelming and incredibly hard at the moment, but please do look after yourself and remember you are so loved x

Thank you.

I’ve always been this way to a degree but it’s definitely steadily snowballed in the last decade to where I am now. Most people want to be liked of course, but I’ve developed over the years quite an intense fear of not being liked and this often ends up with me putting myself at a detriment as a result. Pre kids as a teen I could hide behind alcohol and occasional drug use and be the fun one and this appeased my anxieties to some degree. Not fully, but enough that it didn’t feel overwhelming all the time.

I just don’t want to feel like this anymore. When things are good, things feel great momentarily. But then the inevitable crash and burn follows and then I can’t see a way out. I know everyone has ups and downs, that’s normal, but I feel like I’m on a roller coaster that won’t let me get off all the time.

I’ll try and call them later. I’ll have to go out once the kids are in bed cos I know if I think anyone can hear me I’ll clam up.

Hi OP, the rollercoaster you describe definitely resonates with me too. I completely understand this and I have found it incredibly difficult too.

It’s great to hear you are thinking of calling for support later today.

If you do find it easier to write things rather than speak, there is SHOUT’s text service to consider too, you can text “SHOUT” to 85258 any time of the day.

https://giveusashout.org

Mumsnet also have these helpful resources of lots of organisations too:

www.mumsnet.com/i/mental-health-webguide

Take care of yourself x

Glad you're going to call them, you CAN get past this.

It might help to remember this quote from David Foster Wallace:

"We would worry less about what others think of us if we realised how seldom they do.”

Could you afford to pay for some private counselling/therapy as that is the best way to get proper support rather than relying on the massively overstretched NHS MH system.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.

You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Wishing you the very best,
MNHQ💐

Thank you for replying.

I just don’t even know where to start with telling someone close to me. And I don’t want to cause anyone worry cos for whatever reason, I hate it. They see you differently and treat you differently and it doesn’t sit comfortably. I know I should, but I don’t know if I can. It’s easier talking anonymously to someone who doesn’t really have any kind of vested interest if that makes sense.

I’m sorry that you know what that rollercoaster feels like, I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. It’s exhausting. I’m glad you’ve found something that is working for you though, I hope one day I can get there too.

Thank you for your kind words x

Potentially, I have done it previously. I think where I’ve done it previously though I just think what good would it do all over again.
But maybe it would, I guess I won’t know until I try.

Can I ask when/why the "intense fear of not being liked" developed? For me, that would be the starting point in unravelling this.

I’m not really sure. I’ve always been a bit sensitive to it I guess from what I can remember and it’s something that’s slowly and steadily developed from “normal” wanting to fit in into whatever I am now. I really wish I cared less, because I see day in day out will say and do whatever they want irrespective of how other people feel or how they will be perceived by others. That’s the other extreme to me, I wouldn’t want to be completely like that either but to be able to sit somewhere in the middle of that spectrum would be nice.

Hi OP, how are you doing today?
I honestly do know how hard it is to open up to people about how you’re feeling, so if talking to someone anonymously on a helpline first would be easier for you then please do. But sometimes people’s reactions can surprise us (in a good way), as you deserve support from those closest to you. Please remember you are never alone.
Thinking of you and sending love x

Hi OP sorry you’re feeling so bad - may not be relevant but have you considered what hormonally might be going on for you? Not sure your age but like you I struggled with treatment resistant depression & anxiety for years which got severe & distressing & to the stage you’re finding yourself (for a period of years). I hadn’t realised that instead of my A&D this was in fact perimenopause & then menopause. HRT literally “cured” me (& I don’t say that lightly having suffered with poor MH for decades) after very little time of taking. It literally saved my life & I’ve been raving about it ever since. After having tried countless AD’s the natural body identical hormones gave me everything that I’d been lacking. The relentless anxiety, chronic overthinking, catastrophising, doom feelings & horribly low mood (& thoughts about how to exit from it) acute self criticism, disappeared literally overnight. So I don’t know if it’s relevant to you or your age (or medically appropriate for you) but might be worth considering if you haven’t already.
Good luck.

Sorry just re read your post and realise you’re maybe not in perimenopause yet apologies. But from my own experience I truly believe there can be hormonal factors at play in MH throughout our fertile years too - with mood factors & menstrual cycle changes than can really adversely affect MH. Try to be kind to yourself (oh how easy & so simple if only one could!) & maybe worth still considering. I know women can enter peri much earlier than is conventionally considered causing emotional fallout & undiagnosed distress x

Hiya, much the same but I’m okay thank you. How are you? X

Anon definitely suits me better at least for now, I don’t have it in me right now. Hopefully at some point I’ll find it in me to properly talk to someone I actually know, some people have seen glimpses of it because as much as I try, sometimes I can’t completely hide how I’m feeling but usually manage to play it off as being drained or something vague.

Thank you again for your kind words, you have no idea how much I appreciate it x

Thank you for your reply.

I’m 30, so whilst it might be unlikely it’s not impossible and not something I had considered. I haven’t actually had a proper cycle in over 4 years as I had a coil fitted two months after my last baby was born so haven’t had anything since my last period before falling pregnant. Anything could be going on with my cycle really and I wouldn’t have a clue tbh!

Forgive my naivety but can the drs test for perimenopause? And would they even do it in my situation given the contraception I’m on? Thank you for your perspective!