Social Anixety

[Light39]

I'm fairly new to this site, but I came across this board and wonder if anyone else like me

I'm normally ok, when I have friends at home,
but when usually I'm waiting to pick up my ds from preschool, I get quite nervous, and when I chat to people, I sometimes look down, rather than looking in the eye all the time.
I wish I could stop these nerves, but they seem to becoming worse and not better. I also am partially sighted in my right eye and you can see the difference from my right to left am very conscientious about it, which doesn't help. Does anyone else suffer from this and wonder if anyone has conquer their social anxietey.

Hi Light,

Just wanted to say that I have social anxiety too so you are not alone feeling like you do.
I find the playground wait for ds excrutiating tbh. If I am having a "good" day I can chat and not have a care in the world but on a bad one I just stand on my own convinced no one wants to talk to me anyway. I am sure must look like a right snooty cow, but i'm not! With my RL friends I am fine but I hate small talk. I have tried to make more of an effort to chat to people but when someone doesnt reciprocate I tend to feel even worse.
Sorry I have not got any useful advice for you!

x

i get this . In fact i started a thread about it in a different category before this one was started up. It can happen unnannounced and when i am with anybody including family and oldest dearest friends. I am sure no-one suspects but i feel like everyone knows i am wierd. i feel like it feels like i have something to hide iyswim - but i don't!! i hate it but manage it as best i can. Some people make it worse for me. i would love a solution - it is miserable . Funnil6y enough, M and T groups or the playground are not a problem usually unless i get to know someone better

i do think it is impoortant to 'put yourself out there' and not become crippled by it if you possilby can.

I also suffer undiagnosed from SA. I find social situations generally very difficult, particularly with extended family members and people i don't know very well. I think one of my main problems is that i judge myself constantly and expect others to be judging me too.

I found a very good CBT based book on Social Anxiety - got it from Amazon. i haven't really had much of a chance to read it or put any of the ideas into practise yet, but i keep telling myself that when i get a chance it might make all the difference.

Totalmisfit, I can understand about the judging yourself as I am an expert at it! I tend to ruminate over conversations I have had and wonder how I come across to people. I feel I am on the outside looking in at everyone and they find it so easy to just chat to people.

I am getting worse with picking ds up. Last week I got there early and sat on my own for 20 mins feeling like a lemon so now I tend to leave the house at the last minute (get a rubbish parking space!) and get in and out as quickly as possible.

I was wondering if any of you have told anyone about your anxiety? I feel embarassed to tell anyone incase they think I am odd.Whats strange is that when i worked fulltime I was a lot better, since being a SAHM my anxiety has got worse. I prefer to do things I am familiar with. Tonight I am taking Ds to a party and I am already stressing about it!

oh poor you! i'm the same, when i take dd to and from playgroup, i desperately want to just run in and out again without talking to the staff or other parents. The sad thing is, i used to love being sociable and chatting, i also think it's got much worse since becoming an SAHM. I still do want to talk to people and be 'normal' really. if only i could switch my running commentary off long enough to do so. And then there's the postmortem afterwards where i spend 3 hours wondering if i acted 'weird' during a 5 minute chat with a neighbour.

I've only told dp, and his response is a kind of general 'oh, everyone feels that way. I feel that way too.' But i'm not sure that's the case, he's the life and soul of most situations and loves to bask in the warm glow of an adoring audience

I feel like that too - i probably do come across as a complete weirdo! I wish i could just relax and not worry so much about what other people think. I'm definitely better since i started taking fluoxetine, don't get so stuttery when talking to people, but i know that's not going to work for everyone. That book totalmisfit mentioned sounds helpful - will look for that.

I think that most people have this to a certain extent. I can't think of many people who are completely confident in any situation whether it's small talk with people at the school gate or public speaking. New situations can be daunting. With me it depends on how I feel on the day. If it's going well, I'm looking good and feeling pleased with myself I can string a sentence together, other times I can come across as a stuttering buffoon. Even with friends, if the spotlight is on me I try to get it over with as soon as possible. (unless I'm pissed). I think sometimes we're too hard on ourselves and give ourselves a label, when really we're just the same as everyone else, some people hide it better or overcompensate and talk incessantly.

Yes that's true - i recently had a chat with a friend who i thought always seemed very confident and relaxed. She said it was all an act and that underneath she was a nervous wreck! She also thought i was a calm person, so maybe i don't seem as crazy as i think i am!

Yes peabunny, it's staggering how many people get me all wrong as well. Apparently I'm laid back and calm. Somebody even told me they imagined my house would be tidy and under control?! When if they could see what was going on underneath, I'm literally bristling and seething most of the time and the house is a shambles. I wouldn't worry about what people think about you Light39, they're usually way out anyway. As long as you have some good friends who know you well and you're comfortable with them, that's all that matters. You might make great lifelong friends at the school gate, but I think you know instantly when you meet someone if you'll click. The rest: just smile and wave.

Totalmisfit, re talk with neighbour, I actually get stressed waving to them when I drive past . My dps response is the same and doesn't really see how big a problem it is for me.

I wish I could put an act on but I feel too fake if you know what I mean. When I have tried to chat I will gabble on. I have one good friend i chat to but when she is not in I hate it!

My life is really limited at the moment and consists of home,school,shops and thats it! I would love to go back to work but will have to wait until ds2 starts school next year.

bitnbobs - yep i think for some people 'putting on an act' can help, but sometimes it can just perpetuate the problem because it sends us the signal that we can't handle the situation 'as ourselves' iyswim?

Right, have dug the book out now - its called 'Overcoming Social Anxiety and Shyness' by Gillian Butler who's apparently a consultant clinical psychiatrist as well, so she should hopefully know her CBT from her elbow!

I have got that book,tbh I know that rationally no one is thinking I am odd or whatever but I can't stop myself thinking it or blushing either!My dr offered me CBT so I think I may take it up.

Ds finished school today and I got there a bit late as everyone was leaving, tried to chat but everyone was already walking out. I just felt so lonely walking back to the car with both my ds's. It seems like everyone has a group of friends and I feel like some saddo on my own,I always had friends at school/uni/work and now im like billy no mates

Think I should dig that book out!

I suffer from social anxiety, but didn't realise why until DS was diagnosed with Aspeger's Syndrome, and I realised how much of it fitted me too. I'm being referred to a specialist for a dx for myself.

I'm not saying you have it, but just wanted to let you know you aren't alone.

I get round a lot of my social awkwardness by getting people to talk about themselves, and trying to be a good listener.

marybs - tbh i have actually wondered that about myself before. the thing which reassures me is that my cousin has aspergers very mildly and growing up i noticed a huge difference between our developments, so i'm pretty sure it's not the case.

I think with me, it's actually that i'm too self aware and dependent on people's expectations/ opinions of me and because i don't recover too well from knocks to my self esteem, my socially interactive side has now shut down as a defence mechanism, giving me some aspergers-like symptoms.

I had a bit of a wake-up call today which confirmed this. DP announced to our neighbours that we're planning to move in the next few months, and they were actually really upset. She's expecting their first child soon and she was visibly upset and said 'Oh no! i thought our kids were going to grow up together.'

Tbh we've chatted quite a few times but of course i'd always thought 'she's just being polite, she doesn't really want to know me'.

And now i know that actually it was me blocking people out and not trusting anyone to be genuine, and i'm actually quite close to tears thinking what a damaged person i must be to be so afraid and suspicious of people.

I miss the teenage girl who used to chat to anyone and trusted that the universe would treat her kindly.

Yes, I know those feelings - how whether I feel happy or sad, depends on how other people treat me. But I've made a real effort in recent years to be friendly towards people, and to issue invitations, even when I've thought "they won't want to come", and to accept that if I'm turned down its not necessarily because they don't like me, but because they really can't make it.

It isn't easy, and I do feel for you. But I think there are lots of people out there who feel the same, its just a question of finding them. It might take a few attempts, but it IS possible to control it, and to accept there are some people you CAN'T make friends with, but equally there are others who may also feel the same way you do, but equally are nervous about meeting people.

Does that make sense?

I suffered with social anxiety when I was in my mid 20's. It happened during a stressful time with an ex-boyfriend. I was a very confident popular person before I met him but somehow he was sucking the life out of me. I would have panic attacks when we went out. I would get this red rash starting from my chest working it's way up my neck and my nose and cheeks. I was scarlet red all night and was paranoid that everyone was looking at me. I used to wear polo necks and put a ton of concealer on to disguise it.

I didn't seek help but somehow got my confidence back when I finished with him and met my dh. My friends were really supportive and we used to call it 'Rash neck' phase.
I sometimes feel panicky but know the triggers and somehow can work through it with positive thinking and listening to upbeat music.

MaryBS,is really interesting you mentioned about the aspergers as my son is waiting for an assessment. He is not shy but is more impulsive and doesn't really appreciate social conventions eg, he will interupt a lot and say things that are not relevent to what others are talking about (i do this to ) or will shove someone out of the way at the park. My mother is quite eccentric aswell so maybe it is genetic [grin}

My mood is also dependent too on how others treat me. Sometimes I feel totally normal but then the shyness comes back with avengence. I have always felt "different" to other people but have not been able to put my finger on why this is.

even thinking about how i sometimes feel makes me feel like it . everyone thinks i am confident and outgoing - and i supposed to some extent i am/can be but when it strikes, it is awful - i feel like a bungling idiot, tongue tied and unable to string a coherent sentence together. i really do thihk that most people don't even notice my nervousness but i worry that they can. i may dig out that book you mentioned. Anyone know of any others?

it feels like i am at an interview/first date....

bitsnbobs, it came out about me when DS was diagnosed with Asperger's last September. As she explained the diagnosis, it was "yep that's me", to every box she said DS ticked. I asked her about it and she said it is familial, so I guess that means hereditary

I have problems with things like hand movement, and will often stand really still when public speaking. I made a really big effort last time to use my hands, make eye contact and put a lot of expression into what I was saying. It FELT really false and fake, but I got SO many compliments afterwards I actually asked someone how I looked, and they said it looked really natural. Sometimes we're our own worst enemy, I think!

The feeling of being interviewed will ease with practice, but I really do feel for you...

maryBS what do i practice?! i msut add that i do not always feel this way. Sometimes i feel great! and then i try to hold that onto feeling of confidence for the next time.

My ds has Aspergers and so does my brother in law. I also get tongue tied in certain situations because i am trying so hard to say the right thing. My ds is very confident but butts in and has to have the last word.

Being sociable, and learning to conquer your fears (at least, that's what I do). I remind myself that the fear is worse than the reality! And yes, holding onto that memory of confidence is always helpful.