I need help I know I do.
I’ve been through trauma throughout my life mainly relating to my family but other things too. I went through a particularly traumatic series of events about 3 years ago that my DH had to go through too and since then my family have never let me get over it by constantly triggering me and bringing it up which causes me to have crying fits and panic attacks. There has been a few periods of peace including recently but over a party I had with the people my family hate they’ve started again this week and I’m 9 months pregnant.
this baby is a much wanted and planned for which makes what I did so so much more worse. I have been excited for this baby but have massively struggled with my mental health which I should have got under control when they started to get a hold of me again. I’ve had problems with several different areas in my life. I have had so many anxieties about situations and possible situations that have made it so so hard at times to feel true joy for my new baby. I’ve swayed so much from being happy to pure dread.
my family are controlling and think I’m their property because I’m special needs. They go through periods of mainly leaving me to it with somewhat peace to piling on the pressure and making me just be ok with what they want e.g. not allowed to do this in my own house. I thought when I got married it would all stop and they’d start treating me like a proper adult who can make decisions for herself but nope once that bad event that triggered a series of bad events happened 3 years ago I wasn’t allowed to move on and when I tried to they would bring it up and traumatise me.
this week has been really really hard. On top of my emotions being all over the place and my mood being a mess, ive had 3 family members start on me since Monday and that was about the party and making me feel inferior and less than. Tuesday was about my baby’s room and that family member not allowing me choice in what I can have in that room and shouting at me that it needs gutted out for furniture to go in it and not letting me get rid of certain things. I was told to fuck up deal with it and stop living like a tramp (parts of the room is cluttered as I’m in the process of sorting it out and my house is generally tidy bar a bit of clutter because again I’m in the middle of sorting it out and I live in a small house). When he left (this happened in the evening when my DH was at work) I screamed at the top of my lungs around the house that I didn’t want this baby anymore, that they were meant to be a glue baby and have just made things worse and I want them to die and I wanted to kill myself. I ran outside and screamed, I paced the whole house in a blind mental breakdown (all logic had left me by this point) I threw myself down some stairs but not hard then I punched my stomach repeatedly. Instantly I cried hystericallly because I was disgusted at myself and I just wanted the trauma to stop. I called a family friend over in tears and they sat with me until my husband got back an hour later. I went to the hospital to get checked over and told them I fell down a few stairs. This all happened on top of me pretty much non stop crying since Monday morning with a broken 5 hours sleep.
my baby is thankfully ok but it’s eating me up inside of what I just did. I don’t think I should be here anymore and i should have just harmed myself instead of taking it out on my baby. I’ve spent all night crying then getting angry at myself and others for having a better life without having to fight tooth and nail for it to a bit more calm to it all repeating again.
right now I’m a lot calmer but I don’t think I can truly forgive myself for what I did to my baby. I don’t deserve him, when I’m in a mental breakdown I’ve no control if it’s a very bad one which is scary. I’d rather end it all than hurt my baby and if things don’t get better then that what I’ll likely do. I’m no good to anyone I’m just a cancer. I wish I had terminal cancer and if a doctor told me that I’d be so so so happy. I’m so sorry for anyone affected by cancer but I deserve it.
what do I do now? What next? How do I stop letting people affect me so badly without completely cutting them off?
I really wanted a nice happy proper family but I should have accepted that girls like me shouldn’t have that or I should have waited until I was about 45 or close to menopause to get pregnant at least then my family would be too old to do much to try and control me and I’d be too busy with a baby to look after them much.