I did something disgusting and terrible last night during a bad mental breakdown. What next

[ascummyperson]

I need help I know I do.

I’ve been through trauma throughout my life mainly relating to my family but other things too. I went through a particularly traumatic series of events about 3 years ago that my DH had to go through too and since then my family have never let me get over it by constantly triggering me and bringing it up which causes me to have crying fits and panic attacks. There has been a few periods of peace including recently but over a party I had with the people my family hate they’ve started again this week and I’m 9 months pregnant.

this baby is a much wanted and planned for which makes what I did so so much more worse. I have been excited for this baby but have massively struggled with my mental health which I should have got under control when they started to get a hold of me again. I’ve had problems with several different areas in my life. I have had so many anxieties about situations and possible situations that have made it so so hard at times to feel true joy for my new baby. I’ve swayed so much from being happy to pure dread.

my family are controlling and think I’m their property because I’m special needs. They go through periods of mainly leaving me to it with somewhat peace to piling on the pressure and making me just be ok with what they want e.g. not allowed to do this in my own house. I thought when I got married it would all stop and they’d start treating me like a proper adult who can make decisions for herself but nope once that bad event that triggered a series of bad events happened 3 years ago I wasn’t allowed to move on and when I tried to they would bring it up and traumatise me.

this week has been really really hard. On top of my emotions being all over the place and my mood being a mess, ive had 3 family members start on me since Monday and that was about the party and making me feel inferior and less than. Tuesday was about my baby’s room and that family member not allowing me choice in what I can have in that room and shouting at me that it needs gutted out for furniture to go in it and not letting me get rid of certain things. I was told to fuck up deal with it and stop living like a tramp (parts of the room is cluttered as I’m in the process of sorting it out and my house is generally tidy bar a bit of clutter because again I’m in the middle of sorting it out and I live in a small house). When he left (this happened in the evening when my DH was at work) I screamed at the top of my lungs around the house that I didn’t want this baby anymore, that they were meant to be a glue baby and have just made things worse and I want them to die and I wanted to kill myself. I ran outside and screamed, I paced the whole house in a blind mental breakdown (all logic had left me by this point) I threw myself down some stairs but not hard then I punched my stomach repeatedly. Instantly I cried hystericallly because I was disgusted at myself and I just wanted the trauma to stop. I called a family friend over in tears and they sat with me until my husband got back an hour later. I went to the hospital to get checked over and told them I fell down a few stairs. This all happened on top of me pretty much non stop crying since Monday morning with a broken 5 hours sleep.

my baby is thankfully ok but it’s eating me up inside of what I just did. I don’t think I should be here anymore and i should have just harmed myself instead of taking it out on my baby. I’ve spent all night crying then getting angry at myself and others for having a better life without having to fight tooth and nail for it to a bit more calm to it all repeating again.

right now I’m a lot calmer but I don’t think I can truly forgive myself for what I did to my baby. I don’t deserve him, when I’m in a mental breakdown I’ve no control if it’s a very bad one which is scary. I’d rather end it all than hurt my baby and if things don’t get better then that what I’ll likely do. I’m no good to anyone I’m just a cancer. I wish I had terminal cancer and if a doctor told me that I’d be so so so happy. I’m so sorry for anyone affected by cancer but I deserve it.

what do I do now? What next? How do I stop letting people affect me so badly without completely cutting them off?

I really wanted a nice happy proper family but I should have accepted that girls like me shouldn’t have that or I should have waited until I was about 45 or close to menopause to get pregnant at least then my family would be too old to do much to try and control me and I’d be too busy with a baby to look after them much.

Are you under the perinatal mental health support team? Have you spoken to your midwife about what happened?

I’m not under the perinatal mental health team but I should be. I said at the hospital that I fell down some stairs but not the punching my stomach part (it wasn’t really hard but hard enough to bruise a bit) still bad enough and should never ever have happened

Start my talking to your midwife.

Thanks. I will as this really can’t carry on

Yeah you need to talk to your midwife. It’s in yours and your baby’s best interest, as you say you worry you’ll harm the baby if you have a mental breakdown and can’t control yourself. They’ll want to help you.

Oh my lovely, it sounds like you've had it really hard.
You should really talk to your midwife, and say that you are struggling mentally. They will refer you to the relevant services who will really help you. It may seem scary but it really will be of benefit to you.
You can even tell them that it is your family that is making you feel this way.
Yes, what you did was bad, and you are aware of that. But you were not of sane mind at that moment. And you realise this, which is more than a lot of people can say.
You need the professional help in order for you to get the support you need for yourself and your baby.
If it is primarily your family causing these feelings, and outbursts, you really should consider going no contact with them, to protect your baby and your own sanity.
Low contact would be another option, but it seems you are really struggling to cope with their behaviour, and that letting them in physically or mentally would at the moment, be a bad idea.
How is your DH supporting you through this? Does he know the extent of what happened that night? How is he feeling about this?

Sorry you are having a difficult time.

Call your midwife and/or the perinatal mental health team first thing in the morning. I would tell them everything to ensure you get the support, help and treatment that you need and deserve.

Bring this thread to your midwife - show what you've posted here.

There is support available.

@ascummyperson

I agree too with ubove poster's who suggested prenatal mental health well being team
The midwife have a chat with
You know yourself need to do this too,

Also to seek charitable organisations out there, locally ect, that help and support women and families too,
that would beneficial for you to look into online and ask around too,

Is there a Mind charity centre locally or further field in next town or city 🤔 where you are then?

Hi I am a midwife. You sound like you are under a lot of pressure. Definitely speak to your midwife she can refer you to the PNMHT.
Are you on meds or do you see any doctor re your mental health? You sound like you need support and it is out there please talk to your midwife. Goodluck with the pregnancy and labour.

Awh gosh , it’s you and your boyfriends baby as you said and keep it less stressful and harsh on yourself get the mental
health support team to help with family matters and then see your boyfriend when that’s calm and settled .

Having a baby was stressful for my
bro and sister in law after they married and had kids not that long a go faurlt
recently
my parents immediately rushed to help for accident and emergency situation , luckily it was the case of hot drink and tiredness from sister in law and was not deadly scolding, breathing a sigh of relief , it could be outside pressure of lots of events at work or in the community if you’re busy at college or home .

Trees have blossom now so look
for that as you travel and it’s nice to
de stress in the park especially with a pram
a friend can join u for a walk. That helped me
in the tough times . Don’t rush the mental
health support and counselling is good if it’s on top of you plus there is the worry tree , which my lovely old
friend
Beth said to look at.

Sorry you are having a rough time OP. I do think you need some support. You could talk to your GP as well as your midwife. Hopefully with support you will feel less alone and family relationships will be easier to manage.

Seconding the suggestions to:

• Get mental health assistance.
• Go no contact with your family.

You're not disgusting, you are facing the biggest possible change to your life whilst your family ignore your boundaries, and you panicked and tried to make the big change go away.

I second this, your family sounds toxic, OP.

Learn to control your emotions. Screaming and shouting does nothing but makes people stop listening. I learnt this the hard way.
When you feel like going off just releatly say in your head ....
Just stop and think

Repeatedly sorry typing on my phone

OP, pregnancy can fuck up the minds of the most untroubled women let alone someone carrying all that you seem to be. It's a lot & it's ok to ask for help, there are systems in place to do exactly that - help & support you.

No one will think less of you for reaching out, no one in maternal mental health will think less of you either.

You deserve support & should absolutely get it. Please call first thing in the morning if there aren't numbers available now. Midwives are on call & given how awful you feel I don't think you'd be wrong to ring someone immediately.

Good luck, OP. Try to be easy on yourself & know you're very much not alone & there is help available to you xx

I think you've posted before?

You need to get some help before this baby is born.

If things are tough right now, a baby isn't going to be 'glue'.

If you really, as you say, can't control yourself during a mental breakdown, how do you propose to safeguard your own child?

I'm not saying this out of judgement or to make you feel bad, but things urgently need to be put in place for the sake of your child AND you.

Can you talk to your husband and tell him exactly how you are feeling? Do you have close friends who you can talk to and who can spend time with you when your husband is working?

If your family are causing you to feel like this then it might be time to cut contact, it’s going to get harder when your baby comes if they are controlling. You need to minimise the risk of you reaching breaking point again and if they are causing you nothing but upset and stress then focus on your friends and husband and professional support and step back from your family.
I know it’s difficult because we are told all our lives that family is everything but it doesn’t always have to be blood, I have had to cut family members out of my life and it wasn’t easy at first but I’m so much happier now.

It sounds like you are struggling to cope with your feelings and anxiety about being a mother it’s important you reach out to get professional help and are as honest as possible about how you are feeling to get the right support, ask for a referral to the crisis team in case you reach this point again and if you feel overwhelming emotions again ring 111 and tell them you are feeling like harming yourself, it sounds extreme but so does your state of mind.
You could also try ringing the Samaritans if there is no one else to talk to and you are feeling desperate, that way you will at least have someone to listen to you and you can take things through and process your worries properly.

Please don’t try to cover up how you are feeling and expect it to just go away, it sounds like you’ve been struggling for years with issues without dealing with them properly, your baby needs you to be in a fit state mentally to take care of them. Surround yourself with people who build you up and make you feel strong rather then tear you down.

Definitely get urgent help from Midwife. if you tell her how you feel, she can help .

OP are you the same poster who has the two puppies?

Either way you need professional help. This is concerning and you need to be honest with your doctors.

Oh my goodness...two puppies and a new baby...This is going to be potentially bad news for the baby . Chaos.

You do need to get this sorted. If you carry on like this after the baby is born there will be social workers involved and it will escalate. While the baby remains inside you it is considered part of you, as soon as it is born safeguarding concerns are raised and matters get taken out of your hands. As others have said speak to your midwife ASAP and get the help you need now.

Speak to your midwife.
Stop contact with your family if they treat you like this- you decide. Put some boundaries in place for yourself op. Best of luck xxxx

I think you should go to emergency and tell them the truth of you trying to kill yourself and your baby, and tell them you still feel suicidal and that you are not safe. You really need urgent help.