I had my daughter 2 years ago, suffered with perinatal anxiety and depression which started when I was 6months pregnant. This included intrusive thoughts around harming her (thoughts of punching myself in the stomach whilst I was pregnant 😢) 3 weeks after having her I went into a massive mental health crisis and ended up in A&E suicidal because the intrusive thoughts got so bad around harming her that I thought the only way she would ever be safe would be for me to not be here. I was diagnosed with severe PND, PNA and POCD. There was talk of me going onto a mother and baby unit with her but because I have a good family network they said they would treat me as an outpatient. They tried me on sertraline and I had a massive allergic reaction to it and was blue lighted to hospital. I underwent really intense therapy, CBT, psychotherapy, EMDR you name it I done it. I came out the other side. The intrusive thoughts subsided and I have been doing ok, always really anxious but I’ve been managing and I love my little girl more than life itself. The past month I would say I feel so absolutely depressed and anxious ALL the time. Every minute of every day I feel this impending sense of doom and I just want to pack my bags and run away. I feel like I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to be a mum. I love my daughter but I just don’t want this mum life anymore because she’s the reason I’m anxious through absolutely no fault of her own! I love her so much but feel so terrified of the responsibility of her and that I’m really going to mess this up and I’m a terrible mum. Im a SAHM and I’m so anxious around my daughter but I don’t know why she’s an absolute delight most of the time. She deserves a better mum. It’s health anxiety, GAD and everything else inbetween and I’m just done with feeling like this. I’m so so tired from pretending I’m absolutely fine all the time so I don’t cause my daughter any mental health issues because I would never forgive myself if I caused her that. I’m going to see the GP next week but I’m terrified of being put on meds even though I’m also desperate for them because I don’t want to end up in anaphylactic shock again. How is this ever going to get better if I can’t take any meds?! Every day is a struggle and as soon as I wake up I feel this dread that I’ve got another day to get through and I literally live my life just trying to get through each minute and I’m sick of it. I feel so unwell and I’m so scared I’m going into crisis again. I’m sorry for the ramble but I’m spiralling and I just needed to get all of that out. Thank you if you read it all x