I’m just done with it all

[Riley1989]

I had my daughter 2 years ago, suffered with perinatal anxiety and depression which started when I was 6months pregnant. This included intrusive thoughts around harming her (thoughts of punching myself in the stomach whilst I was pregnant 😢) 3 weeks after having her I went into a massive mental health crisis and ended up in A&E suicidal because the intrusive thoughts got so bad around harming her that I thought the only way she would ever be safe would be for me to not be here. I was diagnosed with severe PND, PNA and POCD. There was talk of me going onto a mother and baby unit with her but because I have a good family network they said they would treat me as an outpatient. They tried me on sertraline and I had a massive allergic reaction to it and was blue lighted to hospital. I underwent really intense therapy, CBT, psychotherapy, EMDR you name it I done it. I came out the other side. The intrusive thoughts subsided and I have been doing ok, always really anxious but I’ve been managing and I love my little girl more than life itself. The past month I would say I feel so absolutely depressed and anxious ALL the time. Every minute of every day I feel this impending sense of doom and I just want to pack my bags and run away. I feel like I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to be a mum. I love my daughter but I just don’t want this mum life anymore because she’s the reason I’m anxious through absolutely no fault of her own! I love her so much but feel so terrified of the responsibility of her and that I’m really going to mess this up and I’m a terrible mum. Im a SAHM and I’m so anxious around my daughter but I don’t know why she’s an absolute delight most of the time. She deserves a better mum. It’s health anxiety, GAD and everything else inbetween and I’m just done with feeling like this. I’m so so tired from pretending I’m absolutely fine all the time so I don’t cause my daughter any mental health issues because I would never forgive myself if I caused her that. I’m going to see the GP next week but I’m terrified of being put on meds even though I’m also desperate for them because I don’t want to end up in anaphylactic shock again. How is this ever going to get better if I can’t take any meds?! Every day is a struggle and as soon as I wake up I feel this dread that I’ve got another day to get through and I literally live my life just trying to get through each minute and I’m sick of it. I feel so unwell and I’m so scared I’m going into crisis again. I’m sorry for the ramble but I’m spiralling and I just needed to get all of that out. Thank you if you read it all x

Just to add so I don’t drip feed, I do have a husband who is incredible and really hands on and supportive but I can see this is really starting to take a toll on him and even though he doesn’t say it and is only ever kind and supportive he looks absolutely done in with it all x

@Riley1989 I’m so sorry that things are so hard for you right now. Remember that you can call helplines like the Samaritans etc at any time if you need someone to listen and talk anything through.

I’m glad you’re going to see your GP next week. You may be able to self refer to talking therapies right now (you can in many areas). It’s worth doing that and being as honest as you can be about how in crisis you feel on the form.

It’s good that you’re starting to feel you can ‘get it out’ somewhere.

Hello Riley1989, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our www.mumsnet.com/webguide/mental-health Mental Health resources]]. You can also go to the www.samaritans.org/ Samaritans website]] or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly.