I’ve struggled my entire life with noise and bright lights. I struggle with people too, they don’t like me. I can’t cope with interruptions or distractions and I find it hard to concentrate. Unsurprisingly I’ve now been diagnosed with autism.
Nobody has ever wanted to be my friend. Nobody has ever wanted to hire me. Rejection letters always say I’m well qualified but my personality (ie my autism) is the problem. You don’t smile enough, you don’t make eye contact, you were reluctant to shake hands, you didn’t make polite small talk, you’re too withdrawn, etc. I just kept trying and applying for years.
Now I know I’m autistic, I’m wondering what’s the point of continuing? There’s a reason I keep failing. Trying harder won’t fix this. I can’t be non-autistic and that’s what employers and friends want. It’s pointless to even try any more.
But despite being autistic, I’m “not autistic enough” to actually claim any disability benefits. Because I have a degree I’m deemed to be capable of working. And I am capable! The problem is that employers won’t give me a job because of my autistic behaviours. So what am I supposed to do?
My husband works. He isn’t autistic. He hates his job and wants to leave and be self employed. But he can’t, because he’s the sole earner. So he’s angry because I’ve trapped him in his job, because I can’t get hired so he has to support me and our daughter.
I don’t know what to do. If I killed myself the mortgage would get paid off by the insurance and my husband would get a lump sum so he could leave his job. I’m worth more dead than alive.