My autism is ruining my DH’s life

[Speraides]

I’ve struggled my entire life with noise and bright lights. I struggle with people too, they don’t like me. I can’t cope with interruptions or distractions and I find it hard to concentrate. Unsurprisingly I’ve now been diagnosed with autism.

Nobody has ever wanted to be my friend. Nobody has ever wanted to hire me. Rejection letters always say I’m well qualified but my personality (ie my autism) is the problem. You don’t smile enough, you don’t make eye contact, you were reluctant to shake hands, you didn’t make polite small talk, you’re too withdrawn, etc. I just kept trying and applying for years.

Now I know I’m autistic, I’m wondering what’s the point of continuing? There’s a reason I keep failing. Trying harder won’t fix this. I can’t be non-autistic and that’s what employers and friends want. It’s pointless to even try any more.

But despite being autistic, I’m “not autistic enough” to actually claim any disability benefits. Because I have a degree I’m deemed to be capable of working. And I am capable! The problem is that employers won’t give me a job because of my autistic behaviours. So what am I supposed to do?

My husband works. He isn’t autistic. He hates his job and wants to leave and be self employed. But he can’t, because he’s the sole earner. So he’s angry because I’ve trapped him in his job, because I can’t get hired so he has to support me and our daughter.

I don’t know what to do. If I killed myself the mortgage would get paid off by the insurance and my husband would get a lump sum so he could leave his job. I’m worth more dead than alive.

Op what types of jobs have you been applying to? There’s lots of jobs suited to different personalities, there will something that you can do. You sound capable you just need to find your area. The employers you’ve applied to don’t sound great if they can’t make adjustments for you at interview stage.

I sound like you. DH works I don't. Did you appeal the PIP decision? I've had two tribunals both agreed with me (although they didn't give me as many points as I think I should have but they still overturned DWP).

Your daughter needs you.

The next time you apply for a job state in your cover letter that you have an autism diagnosis and that's why you will be wearing dark glasses as an accommodation for your sensory issues around bright lights. Nowadays many employers are trying to be more inclusive and diversify their work force. Sounds like you'll do better working in a more solitary role rather than in a big team so look for jobs that suit you.

Late diagnosis in women is becoming more and more common. Becoming friends with other autistic women is key. I'm not in the UK but maybe start with trying to find a Facebook group.

You are a worthwhile human of great value and you just need a few tweaks to find your place in this world.

What sort of jobs are you looking at?
My employer (a department of the civil service) employ many autistic people.
You will find most civil service (if not all) can offer adjustments for the interview process and you can ask for your application to be considered under the disability confident scheme if that is offered.
You are not worth more dead than alive, please don't think that.

Please talk to a gp or samaritans if you are really feeling your family would be better without you, make sure you get some support with this.

Agree with poster above that you should declare your autism - yes, there is a risk some employers will be put off, which is totally wrong, but on the whole it will allow people to understand and make adjustments. I work at a large firm and have a number of colleagues with autism, some of whom find social aspects challenging but are respected and supported.

Hey OP gave you looked into Access to Work for disabilities funding? ASD would be included.

My DH has received funding for a work coach. He has managed the same type of communication difficulties by working freelance.

The struggle is real and I'm so sorry you've struggled through so much unfair rejection . Perhaps a coach could help you identify a career path or organisation type that fits your profile.

www.gov.uk/access-to-work

Sorry you are feeling so down op 💐

It’s a really hard situation you are in but it’s not your fault and your dh should not be blaming you either. Your brain works differently and always will. It’s as logical as blaming you for the colour of your eyes!

In today’s climate, you not being able to find a job YET is probably only one of several reasons why he is finding it hard to go freelance.

Bluntly, I don’t know if your last para was written in jest or not, but if you are thinking about suicide, you need some help. Maybe from a psychologist specialising in ASD why not seek advice in job hunting from a charity supporting those with Autism? I know it’s really difficult but you need to reach out for help op. There no shame in it. Everyone needs help from time to time.

Also, speaking as someone who had experienced suicide in the family, your dd needs you. You are uniquely valuable and irreplaceable in your own family and home.

As pp have said, and speaking as a mother with a YA child with ASD there is a lot more awareness now. Companies can make special adaptations. Your local employment centre may be able to help? Or even seek advice from a recruitment agency? Having a document with a definite diagnosis may be a turning point from which you can move forward.

What are you qualified in? I know several people wfh doing remote admin roles for manufacturing firms for example. It pays quite well. Good luck 💐

Op what types of jobs have you been applying to
My degree is interior design and my masters is visual design. Unsurprisingly I get told by employers that I’m not suitable to be hired for a job that involves talking to clients. Surely some careers adviser or course leader or someone should have told me years ago that you have to be bubbly otherwise you’re wasting your time and money studying this subject.

I’ve applied for other jobs too, without success. Even for a shop assistant job or call centre they want someone who can talk to people and isn’t anxious or withdrawn. Employers have told me regardless of what job they’re hiring for, they hire people who they feel a rapport with and want to have as colleagues - so I need to try harder - except I can’t, because I’m autistic.

I’ve never asked for adjustments at interview. Because I didn’t know I had a disability until recently when I was diagnosed with autism. But they’re already rejecting me for not being sociable, so disclosing my autism will just rule me out even earlier.

Yes I have appealed the decisions without success. They’re right to say I’m capable of working. I’m very capable. I have a first class degree and a masters with distinction. Employers just won’t hire me because I’m weird and unpleasant to be around because of my autism.

I stopped going to the job centre. Firstly because it was too much to cope with having this regular appointment to be harassed by a stranger, and being pushed into the type of jobs I didn’t feel able to cope with. Secondly because I couldn’t claim any money anyway, because my husband earns too much, so there was no point.

OK so why not skip the customer facing roles and start researching jobs in companies that manufacturer paint, fabric, floor coverings, or furniture? There must be roles which involve quality control or sending out samples or that sort of thing?

I'm sorry, you received rejection letters saying: 'You don’t smile enough, you don’t make eye contact, you were reluctant to shake hands, you didn’t make polite small talk, you’re too withdrawn, etc.'? This is beyond bizarre and a potential breach of the equality act.

How about self employment for you? Clients don't mind weird creatives as long as they're good. Sometimes it's expected!

They phrased it in a nicer way. These are real phrases copied from rejection emails over the last couple of years.

You need to be somewhat more personable. A natural smile and handshake helps build rapport but you did not offer this. Your smile seemed fake. You came across as shy and withdrawn, we did not feel your personality was communicated to the interviewer. Your lack of consistent eye contact was a bit disconcerting. We feel it is too much of a risk to hire you in a job that requires building customer relationships, as we did not see this skill displayed at interview. A tip for the future: people are more likely to employ someone who develops a rapport with them. Your qualifications are excellent but your interpersonal skills are lacking. When you were waiting with the team you sat silently and did not introduce yourself or attempt to make small talk; they found this uncomfortable. You do not show an aptitude to deal with clients and should consider alternative career options away from client facing roles.

I guess they didn’t see it as discrimination because I hadn’t disclosed a disability. Even I didn’t know it was discrimination because I didn’t know I had autism. I just thought I was a shit person and I was trying my hardest to fake smile and build rapport but still failing.

I would love to be self employed. But I can’t network or persuade people to give me work. I think I’m likely to hit the same roadblock - clients want to hire someone chatty who they trust and feel a rapport with. I don’t have an existing network of friends and contacts to pass work to me or recommend me either. So I think it would be impossible. I could do the work if I could get it - but I wouldn’t be able to get it. Employers clearly feel I couldn’t build client relationships for their business, so what chance do I have of building client relationships for myself 😔

Ok so it may be that customer facing roles aren’t for you, and employers are telling you that. That’s ok, not everyone is suited to those kinds of roles. There’s plenty of other roles that don’t require this, and employers won’t focus so much in those aspects during interviews. Have you looked at any non customer focused jobs?

OP you might need to find yourself a niche in a different career. I work in a sector that has loads, I mean LOADS of people who are very clearly on the ASD spectrum, whether they have been diagnosed or not. In fact the personality traits associated with ASD are not only tolerated, they're more or less required for career development. Has anyone guessed yet that I work in a STEM department in Higher Education 😂.

I do a professional services role which involves a small amount of talking to people - mainly providing advice/instructions how to do things. People expect you to be clear and knowledgeable. They don't expect you to smile 🙄 Also most of it is done over teams. Sometimes I turn my camera off if I can't be bothered making eye contact. Loads of the people I talk to are the same!

Also HE are very big on inclusion and diversity, so you can definitely be upfront with your diagnosis at the interview stage. I would be very surprised if it was considered a problem.

There is a place for you out there OP where your personality will fit and your skills will be appreciated, you just have to find it.

Oh OP, it sounds very hard. I'm sorry. 😔

Two practical suggestions:
I would encourage you to declare when applying, or at least pre-interview. I understand your logic of thinking it would be adding an extra negative, but it helps to reframe for people. It stops them interpreting your signals wrongly (eg most people, without even noticing they make the judgement, will wrongly equate not making eye contact with someone not being trustworthy or not being nice/interested.). A well phrased paragraph, sent pre interview, explaining your autism and what to expect from you in interview, busting some stereotypes, and stressing the strengths you bring that they need in the role, would be worth a try. It also might mean they connect with HR or get somebody into the interview who knows something about autism to ensure a fair selection process.

Second suggestion - can you think about jobs or ways to reshape jobs, so you can function mostly within your strengths? I do see that client-facing interior design would be tough, as clients are also judgemental and I can imagine they want to feel that you 'get their vision', what they want, how they want to feel in the space, build a rapport etc... I wonder if you can team with somebody who is good at all the people part, while you do the amazing designs? (I am awful at sales, and know if I ever went freelance, I would have to team up). Or what other jobs could use your design and other skills, while not needing as much rapport-building interaction?

Companies that just say they hire people they get along with ..... that is absolutely a set up for all kinds of discrimination. It's basically an excuse to only hire people like themselves. If it's any comfort, I'm sure their performance must suffer from the lack of diversity, and from failing to hire the most skilful people. But yes, it is deeply unfair.

Look into the civil service and their arms length bodies IE Defra (civil service), Environment Agency, Natural England, APHA are it's arms length bodies.

Despite how difficult accessing support from government as a service user is as an employer they are fantastic with excellent inclusive policies from recruitment right the way through and strong Autism and ADHD networks.
When you apply declare your disability and ask for whatever reasonable adjustments you may need, extra time per question, the questions sent out before hand or printed (or put in the chat box) etc most of these things are becoming routine for everyone.

It may not be what you always wanted to do or even use your qualifications but it will be a way into the world of work and one with good employee benefits.

What about shop window dressing? It's interior design, but you'd be working mostly on your own and if you have a portfolio of designs you've done and explain you're autistic and struggle with XYand Z then it might work?
Approaching charity shops and offering to do a shop front display for them (you could introduce yourself by letter to prepare them and avoid the awkward in-person disclosure) would allow you to build a portfolio...?
It's just an idea. Ignore it if it doesn't appeal.

I know everyone is different but I am in the same situation as your DH and if it helps I don't resent my husband although he is too ill to work and that of course has an impact on me. The thought he might think he was more use to me and to our children if he was dead is so upsetting.

I’m an Engineer and there are loads of people with ASD who are in Engineering. I said this recently on here and affronted many women whose husbands are Engineers 🙄 but honestly it is absolutely true. DD is studying Engineering and she and all her mates are diagnosed ND and in the open week there were loads of her classmates in the ASD meet ups groups.

With your CAD/drawings skills could you maybe become a CAD technician in a non client facing role. Although many Engineers with ASD do fine in client facing roles as they develop skills over time, a technician role is a good starting place.

I’ve applied for other jobs too, without success. Even for a shop assistant job or call centre they want someone who can talk to people and isn’t anxious or withdrawn. Employers have told me regardless of what job they’re hiring for, they hire people who they feel a rapport with and want to have as colleagues - so I need to try harder - except I can’t, because I’m autistic

The problem is the type of work you are looking for. Interior design, retail, call centre etc are all about consistently working positively with others. These things are not the right line of work for you.

I have a child with ASD and every one of their school friends had it (they gravitate together seemingly). All employed, but all have gone into areas where people skills are basically not required. In my child’s case, their uni course had over 90% people listed as ASD. I suspect the other 10% were just undiagnosed. Traditionally work roles in this area have been populated by people with ASD (before it was even a label or diagnosed for anyone other than traditional Kanner autism back in the old days, that is kids who were basically institutionalised). Thus the hiring managers likely have ASD, diagnosed or not. If they were confronted by candidates who were bubbly, were touchy, tried to maintain eye contact not only would the hiring manager run for the hills, but they would never be hired as they wouldn’t ’be a team fit’.

The other alternative is putting it forward as a disability and trying to get hired on the basis someone has to make up a quota. My child had a few friends hired on this basis in graduate jobs. It was a complete rort though, as for government departments, and instead of hiring a diverse range of disabilities, they hired a bunch of people with ASD who were great with computers, to all work in IT departments, where they basically joined other people there with ASD. They then get to tick that they employ a substantial quota of people with disabilities.

To make a really short version of the ramble above, you are looking for work that doesn’t play to your strengths and you, as a square peg, are looking for work in a round hole. If you pivoted and looked for work in a square hole, not only will you have a chance of success of being hired, but also in being able to generally cope and be happy at work.

It's highly likely my DDad is autistic and he hasn't been able to work for years and doesn't claim any benefits. He pulls his weight at home though, has learnt to cook and do all the house work. Goes to the local beach and litter picks everyday to be useful to the community and to get fresh air.

Try applying to the NHS or any other government services. They make a point of supporting autistic people.

How about non-client facing roles where your main job is producing visualisations or drawings inside a larger company?

Agree with PPs that research on the 'double empathy problem' shows good communication between ND people. Looking for a sector high in ASD ppl or other monotropic thinkers could be good. Wishing you well.

you, as a square peg, are looking for work in a round hole
I feel like literally everything is a round hole. The whole world is a round hole! For all of those people who say there’s no point diagnosing people when they’re older - this is why you need a diagnosis, because if you don’t know there’s anything wrong with you then you just keep trying to force yourself to be “normal” and failing.

These things are not the right line of work for you
If you need an unskilled job just for money you get pushed towards shops and call centres, or care work, or waitress or bar work, etc. This is one reason I stopped engaging with the job centre, because they kept forcing me to apply to customer facing roles that I couldn’t do.

I’m an Engineer and there are loads of people with ASD who are in Engineering
I don’t think I could do that. I’m visual and creative but not technical or mathematical. I know a lot of autistic people work in computer programming or science or engineering, especially autistic men, but I’m not wired that way and not qualified in anything relevant.

I will look into civil service and NHS but I’m not sure what sort of job I could do. I think the problem is that I’m expensively qualified in something that isn’t a fit for an autistic person, so now I’m in a dead end. I want to do design, and I can do it, and I’m willing to talk to people when necessary. The problem is the people don’t like me and they don’t want me to talk to them. This isn’t something that I ever thought would be an issue, nobody mentioned likeability as a prerequisite for studying this subject.