Hi all.
I have an 11 year old son.
He has special needs (Tourette's, ADHD, assessing for Autism).
I have had mental health issues from being a teenager and have several diagnosis's such as; EUPD, bulimia, major depressive disorder, anxiety, a working diagnosis of ADHD and being assessed for Autism too.
I have always struggled, and in the past 10 months I have been in hospital 5 times for 4 overdoses and self harm that required my arm being glued back together. I have always felt like my son will be better off without me.
He is on a child protection plan now due to my mental health, and this has stopped me seeking support due to the risk of losing him (even though social aren't concerned about him unless he is in the house while I am hurting myself), which I understand.
The problem is, I was doing really well. I am on methadone for addiction to prescription medication, my medication was meant to be getting changed to mood stabilisers (last oct - still hasn't been done), and I felt I was progressing.
I still had mood dips, but generally things were looking up.
The past week or so, my mood has dipped significantly. We have a new social worker (I got on really well with the previous one) and this is like our 7th worker now, my son has finished primary school so I have lost all of that support and the people I spoke/vented to who I could trust, my mum and I are barely on speaking terms (she is an alcoholic and me and my son are never deemed important to her), I just feel so alone. I have absolutely no one.
Even though I got discharged from hospital yesterday, I am already making plans to end my life. My anxiety has never been so bad, I am so triggered and can't stop crying. I feel so upset and so...I don't even know. I just don't want to be here anymore.
It's bank holiday weekend so nothing is really open until Tuesday. I have spoken to a helpline but I haven't felt much benefit from it.
My worry is that if I hurt myself, I will take it too far, and lose my son for good, which won't exactly improve my mental health.
I feel so trapped and need out.