TW. Suicide

[jolondolo]

Hi all.
I have an 11 year old son.
He has special needs (Tourette's, ADHD, assessing for Autism).
I have had mental health issues from being a teenager and have several diagnosis's such as; EUPD, bulimia, major depressive disorder, anxiety, a working diagnosis of ADHD and being assessed for Autism too.
I have always struggled, and in the past 10 months I have been in hospital 5 times for 4 overdoses and self harm that required my arm being glued back together. I have always felt like my son will be better off without me.
He is on a child protection plan now due to my mental health, and this has stopped me seeking support due to the risk of losing him (even though social aren't concerned about him unless he is in the house while I am hurting myself), which I understand.
The problem is, I was doing really well. I am on methadone for addiction to prescription medication, my medication was meant to be getting changed to mood stabilisers (last oct - still hasn't been done), and I felt I was progressing.
I still had mood dips, but generally things were looking up.
The past week or so, my mood has dipped significantly. We have a new social worker (I got on really well with the previous one) and this is like our 7th worker now, my son has finished primary school so I have lost all of that support and the people I spoke/vented to who I could trust, my mum and I are barely on speaking terms (she is an alcoholic and me and my son are never deemed important to her), I just feel so alone. I have absolutely no one.
Even though I got discharged from hospital yesterday, I am already making plans to end my life. My anxiety has never been so bad, I am so triggered and can't stop crying. I feel so upset and so...I don't even know. I just don't want to be here anymore.
It's bank holiday weekend so nothing is really open until Tuesday. I have spoken to a helpline but I haven't felt much benefit from it.
My worry is that if I hurt myself, I will take it too far, and lose my son for good, which won't exactly improve my mental health.
I feel so trapped and need out.

Hi jolondolo

Keep on here, keep talking to us.

I can't offer advice but I'm.here

I'm sure some experienced mumsnetters will be here either practical advice and pointers to helplines etc

But.... I see your dilemmas, and how you are struggling, but worry that by saying you are struggling and asking for help you feel you risk losing your dc.

Please stay here to keep chatting.

Which helpline did you speak to, jolondolo?

If you were discharged from hospital did they give you a number to call? Please call it, or failing that Samaritans.

Your DS is definitely not better off without you. Just be around for him. Don’t be scared to tell any social workers. Their job is to help you. Whatever happens just keep loving your DS. I think you should explain to your social worker that this is how you feel. Your meds probably just need adjusting. Sorry you are not getting the help.

Where did your DS go when you were in hospital?

Your son loves you and needs you, believe me when I say that ending your life if not the best thing for your son, it would cause him a life time of issues and he would miss you dearly, you are his world.

Who looks after your son when you are in hospital? Does he have a good relationship with his dad?

Stay on here and chat to us but also do ask for help from the mental health team/hospital/social worker.

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Hi. I can't offer advice on the details with your son as in childless but as you I have struggled with mental health issues and addiction to cocaine, ketamine and crack. I have attempted suicide a few times now with two nearly fatal endings. Once in 2020 and was in a coma for 6 weeks, had to learn how to walk again also talk as I had a tracheostomy. I "recovered" physically quite quickly and was walking within a week of leaving ICU. Which is very unusual. I was still struggling with my mental health massively ( I suffer with depression, anxiety, BPD and bipolar 2). Even though I was detoxicated of drugs I was still addicted mentally if that makes sense? Eventually, I started using again which in turn, of January 2023 I tried to commit suicide AGAIN. It was very very very serious, I went into respiratory failure in Resus so I had to be ventilated immediately. I had around 13 infections in intensive care, which took over my body and led to sepsis and my leg started to rot and if they didn't cut a large portion of my leg out I wouldn't have that leg, I then got chest sepsis which led to my liver falling, my lungs shut down due to sepsis and then I was thrown into end stage renal failure. I woke up 8 weeks later. I couldn't swallow ( everything was going in my lungs) I had a tracheostomy in and I didn't take my first steps until 2 months after leaving ICU. If I knew what I know now and how hard this recovery has been I would not have even contemplated it again, this has been the hardest point of my life. I have realised that my drug problems and mental health issues can be helped rather than me trying to end my life....
In terms of mood stabilizer I would definitely push for that!! It has changed my life significantly ( I've been on it for 2 years) I have fewer mood swings and find myself being able to deal with "situations" a little better. I have a long way to go but, I have been drug free for half a year now. I have my husband by my side constantly through all this when by rights he should have left years ago as he is completely abstinent of any substances.
Do you have any support for yourself such as a CPN, psychiatrist or access to talking therapies.
One thing I've found very useful is having someone I trust COMPLETELY to talk to, but they must be able to listen.
Basically I shared my story to tell you I've tried suicide and could never ever predict of what I am going through right now. I could only see me dead. I know it sounds cliche but it will get better, youre clearly a strong person to get this far in life, your engaging with SS, you care about your son and you're doing your best. But as well you need support for you too!
You WILL be ok with the right support, also I would be more than happy to offer any advice you may want ( on PM)
X

JamieJ93 you sound awesome, I hope your pot has helped the op, and hope life keeps heading innthe right direction for you. You sound like superwoman!

Op, how are you today?

Hi all.
Thank you for your messages.
Unfortunately, I ended up in hospital (again).
I don't remember much apart from the police coming towards me with blue lights, and then waking up in hospital 2 days later.
I'm on an intensive home treatment program at the minute, and just feel numb. I honestly don't know how I'm still here.

Jolondolo, thanks for coming back to the thread, I'm sorry you have had a dip and were back in hospital.

Keep talking and communicating with all the support you have, ensure you speak out sonthete is ample care for you, then you are still there for your dc 💐

And have a completely random gif of dogs skipping! No idea hoe that got there 🙄

Sorry you’re going through this. Can you afford to pay for a private psychiatrist ? I don’t think they would link up with social services

Do you think you would be able to take sedatives without getting addicted ? As they are available from online GP services

I am currently on methadone from addiction to prescription medication. I have the crisis team visiting daily and their medic is coming tomorrow to discuss potential medication so I'm hoping something will be put in place.