My life has felt like one huge struggle in the last three years. I’m now 36, single, had three awful breakups in my past (two long term and one terrible shorter term one), I’ve had a very early miscarriage that I didn’t know was happening until it happened but I still feel it may put a future man off (I don’t know why I feel this, I just do). My brother and his wife married and had a child in this time which just highlighted my grief really, of being alone. I am happy for them but I have grown more distant because I can’t cope with the happy family in my face. I nearly took my life last summer I was so low.
I am distant from friends as they are all settling down. I do have good friends but I have to manage my exposure to things as I struggle to cope with feeling alone. I have lots of therapy. It helps a tiny bit.
I’m now having a shit time at work. I earn good money but the industry is quite toxic and up until recently I had a good run with it but my luck there seems to be running out now I’m in a new team and it’s just not a nice environment.
I feel sick. I’ve lost weight in a bad way. I can’t sleep most of the time. I’ve taken anti depressants. But it just seems to be one thing after another.
I hate my life so much and I’m too much of a wimp to kill myself but I often wish a car would just hit me and that would be it. I feel I’ve made loads of mistakes with men and actually I had a really good life before I messed it up with the wrong people in it. This summer I broke up with the latest man, someone I trusted with my whole heart. I felt like I was getting better. He ended things almost out of the blue. Certainly didn’t want anything too serious with me. And I just can’t do it anymore. I can’t do anything anymore. Im so sad. Im scared about the future. I don’t trust anyone anymore and I wish this could all end.