I have always struggled with my mental health, being undiagnosed autistic for years led to a lot of medication and interventions. There have been times in my life when I have wanted to end my life, but I never got further than having it as a fleeting idea, I never made plans.
I'm smart, well qualified and a good mum and I advocate for my older child, who has SEN and learning disability. I fight every day for his rights to a good education, proper social care and access to services.
This week, for some reason, possibly the rise in covid cases paired with the opening up of the country again, I have hit the wall. I keep taking covid tests. I'm not sleeping, I'm eating inconsistently.
The world is opening up more, and DH is off back on his commute, working away and having lunch with his friends. Kids are at nursery and school and all I read here is bubbles bursting left right and centre. If my kids' bubbles burst I will be trapped at home with them.
I have nobody to even have lunch with. I had some friends but covid hit and everyone drifted apart, one of them said something rude to me about having my vaccination and I left our group chat because I couldn't face a showdown about it. I have friends in my phone, but nobody close by.
Today I had the house to myself for five hours, which is incredibly rare and I started to think to myself 'DCs are safe, DH is safe, I could do it now and they would be ok'
How have I got myself to this place? How can I begin to climb down?