Ask you to talk me down?

[regularbutnamechangedd]

I have always struggled with my mental health, being undiagnosed autistic for years led to a lot of medication and interventions. There have been times in my life when I have wanted to end my life, but I never got further than having it as a fleeting idea, I never made plans.

I'm smart, well qualified and a good mum and I advocate for my older child, who has SEN and learning disability. I fight every day for his rights to a good education, proper social care and access to services.

This week, for some reason, possibly the rise in covid cases paired with the opening up of the country again, I have hit the wall. I keep taking covid tests. I'm not sleeping, I'm eating inconsistently.

The world is opening up more, and DH is off back on his commute, working away and having lunch with his friends. Kids are at nursery and school and all I read here is bubbles bursting left right and centre. If my kids' bubbles burst I will be trapped at home with them.

I have nobody to even have lunch with. I had some friends but covid hit and everyone drifted apart, one of them said something rude to me about having my vaccination and I left our group chat because I couldn't face a showdown about it. I have friends in my phone, but nobody close by.

Today I had the house to myself for five hours, which is incredibly rare and I started to think to myself 'DCs are safe, DH is safe, I could do it now and they would be ok'

How have I got myself to this place? How can I begin to climb down?

I didn’t want to read and run, and hopefully someone with more specialised advice will come along soon, but in the interim, this is my 2 pence.

I have had depression for over 10 years and remember many times I’ve felt exactly like you. The one thing that always kept me going was my family - knowing how devastated they would be to lose me. You may feel like they would be fine regardless but I guarantee they love you so much and their lives are enriched by having you around.

Are you currently receiving any treatment for depression? I find that the right dose of Sertraline really makes a difference to my overall mood, and therapy/CBT can be really helpful too - just speaking to a “stranger” about everything you’re feeling can be very cathartic.

As for your friends, even if you haven’t spoken for a while, I’m sure they’d be happy to hear from you! A dear friend of mine took his life 2 years ago and I still think of him every day - I wish more than anything that he’d reached out to me about how he was feeling, because I would have done anything to help him, and I’m sure that there are people in your life who feel the same way about you.

Just take things one step at a time, and don’t be afraid to ask for help - it’s no bad thing to advocate for yourself the same way you do for your son. Sending hugs and well wishes

Yes, just take things one step at a time.
Don't forget the following number
116 123

Samaritans. In quiet moments you can phone them its free

Hey OP,

Im sorry your having a tough time of it, this year has a lot to answer for!

Have you asked for help from you GP or any charities?

Also, message your friends, ask to meet up, I know if any of my friends old or new messaged me asking for help I would be there in a heartbeat.

Do you have any hobbies or interests where you could go and make some new friends, socialise, and have something for you to look forward too?

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We are going to move this thread to the Mental Health section shortly