forgive me as this may be a long one...I'm so sad I just want to talk on here, no one at all to talk to in RL, I'm so alone.
DH and I have been married for almost 3 years but together for 10. We have always had a stormy relationship mainly down to his drinking. I have put up with so much from him, including, trips to the STD clinic when we first got together because he was worried he had passed something on to me that he got from an ex, he has ruined every (and I mean I can't think of one he hasn't ruined) birthday, christening, christmas, etc. He has got drunk, been abusive and I have always forgiven him.
When we had DC1 he did change a bit but a good example of his behaviour was leaving us in a restaurant to get involved with getting drugs for a mate, he since admitted HE had the coke problem. Things were up and down then we had DC2, the difference here was this time round he did very little, hence now DC2 is not too close to him.
In between all of this I'm an emetohope. As much as he will say he understands, he doesn't understand at all, this is proved by making me feel s*&t about it at any opportunity. I have tried to get help, been to CBT but it just hasn't helped, I stopped when I was pg with DC2 and tbh just not got the time to go back. I work full-time in a stressful professional job, I feel like I have done a days work before I even get there by the time I've done the school / nursery run.
Things got bad about a year ago and I think we were both close to giving up. I booked a night away to spend some time together, he ended up getting drunk and having a real go at me. I decided then it was time to do something about this...and this is how it started.
We rent a house and decided that we would buy one (I know this is not the rationale of a normal person) I wanted to make a good stable home and decided that I would stop arguing back and just get on with it. However, he has carried on with the drinking, losing temper, etc. One morning after a big row he called me crying saying that he was worried about us and he wanted to make it work and begged me to make a go of it too, I said that if we moved I would be totally stuck as I could afford to run the rented house myself, he promised me that he would change. The months following we good, he was positive about moving and we found the perfect house, we completed on Friday.
Since Friday the old him is back. Tonight he asked me what I wanted for dinner (he has been drinking since collecting DC1 from school) there wasn't much in so I said I would go out, I was told I couldn't because he can't stand DC2 whinging whilst I go but taking DC2 would add half hour on to a simple trip to the shop! I said I would have chips and beans, he had some minted lamb chops. He called me into the kitchen puts the chips on the side and tells me to sort mine out. All the time I'm doing this he is telling me that I'm fat, making comments about my bum and saggy boobs. He then makes a reference to a boyfriend I had when I was about 16, wtf? I put my beans in the microwave and start putting the chips on the plate, I asked him to pass me a plate so that I could put his chips on, he said leave them mine isn't done so I put my beans on and turned to put the other half of the beans in the fridge, he then starts shouting at me for not doing him beans. This developed into a full blown shouting (from him, I have not said a word back) session, in 10m mins he has slagged off all of my family, said he has had enough of my emetophobia (totally irrelevant) called me a freak, the rest of my family are freaks, I'm selfish, I don't appreiciate him and has stormed off to bed. DC2 has coughed and he come raging in saying sort him out now, sort him out for once in your life. What gets me is this sounds petty but thats the point, this blazing row has left me in complete blubbering wreck, I don't know what I've done. I have no one to talk to. I hate this horrible phobia, not a day goes by when I think my family don't deserve me, and I know I'm a bad mother for it. I'm starting to wonder if they would be better of without me.
Sorry it is long, and thanks if you have got this far.