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Original poster

please talk to me...

62 replies

emetophobiahasruniedmylife · 03/10/2007 22:29

forgive me as this may be a long one...I'm so sad I just want to talk on here, no one at all to talk to in RL, I'm so alone.

DH and I have been married for almost 3 years but together for 10. We have always had a stormy relationship mainly down to his drinking. I have put up with so much from him, including, trips to the STD clinic when we first got together because he was worried he had passed something on to me that he got from an ex, he has ruined every (and I mean I can't think of one he hasn't ruined) birthday, christening, christmas, etc. He has got drunk, been abusive and I have always forgiven him.

When we had DC1 he did change a bit but a good example of his behaviour was leaving us in a restaurant to get involved with getting drugs for a mate, he since admitted HE had the coke problem. Things were up and down then we had DC2, the difference here was this time round he did very little, hence now DC2 is not too close to him.

In between all of this I'm an emetohope. As much as he will say he understands, he doesn't understand at all, this is proved by making me feel s*&t about it at any opportunity. I have tried to get help, been to CBT but it just hasn't helped, I stopped when I was pg with DC2 and tbh just not got the time to go back. I work full-time in a stressful professional job, I feel like I have done a days work before I even get there by the time I've done the school / nursery run.

Things got bad about a year ago and I think we were both close to giving up. I booked a night away to spend some time together, he ended up getting drunk and having a real go at me. I decided then it was time to do something about this...and this is how it started.

We rent a house and decided that we would buy one (I know this is not the rationale of a normal person) I wanted to make a good stable home and decided that I would stop arguing back and just get on with it. However, he has carried on with the drinking, losing temper, etc. One morning after a big row he called me crying saying that he was worried about us and he wanted to make it work and begged me to make a go of it too, I said that if we moved I would be totally stuck as I could afford to run the rented house myself, he promised me that he would change. The months following we good, he was positive about moving and we found the perfect house, we completed on Friday.

Since Friday the old him is back. Tonight he asked me what I wanted for dinner (he has been drinking since collecting DC1 from school) there wasn't much in so I said I would go out, I was told I couldn't because he can't stand DC2 whinging whilst I go but taking DC2 would add half hour on to a simple trip to the shop! I said I would have chips and beans, he had some minted lamb chops. He called me into the kitchen puts the chips on the side and tells me to sort mine out. All the time I'm doing this he is telling me that I'm fat, making comments about my bum and saggy boobs. He then makes a reference to a boyfriend I had when I was about 16, wtf? I put my beans in the microwave and start putting the chips on the plate, I asked him to pass me a plate so that I could put his chips on, he said leave them mine isn't done so I put my beans on and turned to put the other half of the beans in the fridge, he then starts shouting at me for not doing him beans. This developed into a full blown shouting (from him, I have not said a word back) session, in 10m mins he has slagged off all of my family, said he has had enough of my emetophobia (totally irrelevant) called me a freak, the rest of my family are freaks, I'm selfish, I don't appreiciate him and has stormed off to bed. DC2 has coughed and he come raging in saying sort him out now, sort him out for once in your life. What gets me is this sounds petty but thats the point, this blazing row has left me in complete blubbering wreck, I don't know what I've done. I have no one to talk to. I hate this horrible phobia, not a day goes by when I think my family don't deserve me, and I know I'm a bad mother for it. I'm starting to wonder if they would be better of without me.

Sorry it is long, and thanks if you have got this far.

OP posts:
Ellbell · 03/10/2007 22:53

Sorry... that was long! I started writing it when there were no replies to your op and in the meantime lots of others responded. Will come back soon!

Original poster
emetophobiahasruniedmylife · 03/10/2007 22:58

I had never thought about the tomrmenting myself bit before, perhaps he does understand my fears if he has picked up on this. I think the real fear of being alone is if the DC's (5 and 2) are ill, he does look after them but you are right he will make sure I know all about it. When I say look after he puts them in bed with him and gives them a bowl. He makes me hug them / pick them up when he knows I'm scared. I have always thought he was trying to make me better but I'm coming round to the idea he is playing mind games with me. I would so love the courage to leave.

OP posts:
Original poster
emetophobiahasruniedmylife · 03/10/2007 22:59

x posts, thanks franny for replying to me, I can't tell you how good it felt when I saw a reply. Ellbell, I'd love a hug.

OP posts:
gibberish · 03/10/2007 23:01

He's a controller - this is all mind games and power to him.

You will get to the point where you will find the courage. Just talking about your unhappiness is a big step. You can take time to get your head together, work out what you need to do, get some support and do what you have to do. You are already showing courage opening up to this.

Original poster
emetophobiahasruniedmylife · 03/10/2007 23:03

Do you know what I could do first? I need to find out legal rights about the house, how much he would have to pay, etc. When I have talked about seperation in the past he says he will give up work and I will get nothing. I could do it on my own just about but it would be hard.

OP posts:
xXxamyxXx · 03/10/2007 23:04

big hug!you really need to talk to people around you be brave. thanks peaches

PeachesMcScream · 03/10/2007 23:05

(((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))))

(Normally a hug avoider myself but very prepared to make an exception where one is required )

Need to go to bed though but will be back tomorrow. Let us know how you feel tomorrow.

Original poster
emetophobiahasruniedmylife · 03/10/2007 23:05

thanks too from me, I meant to answer that one but got engrossed in a sob. I suppose until my sadness turns to anger I won't know what to do. I'm such a weakling, I want to toughen up!!

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Original poster
emetophobiahasruniedmylife · 03/10/2007 23:06

thanks peaches, see you tomorrow.x

OP posts:
InMyHumbleOpinion · 03/10/2007 23:06

How much rent are you paying? Is it reasonable for your area? Could you not get cheaper rent?

You will never starve in this country, there is a safety net, don't stay with an abusive wanker just because you think you have to. Let him quit work - he'll be poor then, won't he! You are the one with the cracking job, my lovely, you will be FINE!

gibberish · 03/10/2007 23:07

No harder than what you are going through now. And YOU will be in control. I would suggest speaking to your CAB to see where you stand.

I would normally say speak to him first about counselling/relate etc. But he sounds like such an abusive person I don't know how you would feel about that and how he would react.

Original poster
emetophobiahasruniedmylife · 03/10/2007 23:10

The rent is cheap, staying here would be a breeze but I want to get out of this area, we are on a social housing estate and its not nice. The house sale is done, nothing I can do about that now, just have to move in. He has ripped out the bathroom as we have a new one and he is doing the floors too, he won't finish that if I tell him my feelings, I know it sounds stupid but my life is so hectic trivial things are big to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
emetophobiahasruniedmylife · 03/10/2007 23:11

that came out wrong, I didn't mean if push came to shove I wouldn't stay here, I meant that it would cost me to sell the house again and if I couldn't sell it, (it was on the market for ages) I would really be stuck.

OP posts:
chikenmother · 03/10/2007 23:15

Hi! I read your posts emeto, hope you are feeling better. You musn´t think thw world is better withou you : you have children, that is the most important thing in the world to a mum. You are a mum. A Mum is always needed, always! If you don´t love your husband perhaps you should consider leaving him. Women can find the ability to live alone if it means protecting her children. If you husband don´t respects you your children will learn that as a tolerable behaviour pattern. We are here for you. Think about your DC: they deserve to have a mum who loves them as you do!!

gibberish · 03/10/2007 23:15

Can understand why you are wary of approaching the issue.

You need to sleep on things. You'll feel clearer in the morning and more able to think about where you want to go from here. You may be ready to move on or you may not. No-one here can tell you what to do, or when to do it - you have to be ready yourself. But you have definitely taken the first step to sorting things out. You just need to keep talking about things - it will help you put things in perspective and this is a perfect place to do it. And most of all, you need to firmly believe that NONE of this is your fault.

Original poster
emetophobiahasruniedmylife · 03/10/2007 23:17

thanks chiken, you are right, I need to be strong for them, starting tomorrow I'm going to be. I'm going to find out my legal rights, just posted on that board, hope someone can advise.

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Original poster
emetophobiahasruniedmylife · 03/10/2007 23:18

gibberish, there isn't much time to approach him without the DC's being around, and when I do he will totally flip, I mean go mad, shout, smash, whatever. I wish I had the support of MIL even.

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gibberish · 03/10/2007 23:20

Then it's best you don't. If you have decided enough is enough, don't give him the chance to put you down enough to change your mind. Remember his mind games - he's had years to perfect them. It makes sense to find out where you stand first. Good for you on starting the other thread

Ellbell · 03/10/2007 23:23

(((((((HUGE hugs)))))))

Original poster
emetophobiahasruniedmylife · 03/10/2007 23:27

thanks ellbell.

Been looking on the child maintenance sites, initial calculations come up at around £85, what is that per week, per month?

OP posts:
gibberish · 03/10/2007 23:30

Would have thought per week... but don't have any experience of this I'm afraid. You should be entitled to child tax credits too I would have thought.

Original poster
emetophobiahasruniedmylife · 03/10/2007 23:40

My eyes are sore so I'm off to bed, thanks all for your posts, I feel supported now in my decision. I just read my first post, had to giggle, baked beans with minty chops must have tasted awful - what a combination!Although with what he has drank he probably couldn't taste it anyway!! x

OP posts:
gibberish · 03/10/2007 23:41

Try to have a good sleep. Will hopefully catch up with you tomorrow x

Ellbell · 04/10/2007 01:36

Take care, and try to get some sleep. You've had good advice here and hopefully you will be able to build a good future for yourself and your dcs.

Don't worry about telling your dad/grandparents. I'm sure they will support you. I split up with my dh1 when I was very young and was convinced my parents would come over horribly judgemental, but in the end they just wanted me to be happy. You are not 'burdening' people with your problems. You are asking for support. You can't go on forever pretending nothing is wrong and the sooner you share your problems the better your chance of resolving them.

As for your dh, if it were someone else, I'd say 'I hope the baked bean/minty chop combo makes him feel sick', but in your case [and mine] that would not be appropriate, so I am hoping it gives him nightmares instead.

Look after yourself and keep posting.

Have another (((((HUG))))) for good measure. Thinking of you.

Original poster
emetophobiahasruniedmylife · 04/10/2007 11:48

Morning all, I'm feeling better today although my puffy baggy red eyes are causing many questions to be asked at work!! I have told DH that I want to talk to him tonight, he said 'oh you're going to kick me out' I just replied firmly, 'we will talk tonight, and hung up'. He is in for a shock!! I have got some good tips from here and also knowledge on the endless mind games. I don't feel like it is my fault anymore and I'm determined to enjoy the new house with my DC's. I have told my sister although not sure how serious she has taken me.

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