I did post in this pregnancy section however had no responses and I really need help.
I found out two days ago I am four weeks pregnant and I feel terrible to the point of suicidal thoughts. I just want someone to reassure me that everything will be ok.
My mental health has been appalling recently, a few months ago I thought nothing else of having a baby and two months ago me and my partner decided to try. My partner is excited and so should I be as this is what I wanted. i am 33 and really feel it is now or never.
I haven't stopped crying since I found and haven't slept. I'm exhausted. I feel like I'm mourning a death. We have a busy life and lots of friends, go to gigs, cinema, meals out (well pre-lockdown) and trips away. I don't know what I was thinking, as I know my life won't be the same any more.
We are in a one-bedroom house and had planned to sell it and move in with my parents so we could save up money to buy somewhere else but I feel like now I am pregnant we can't burden my parents with a baby.
We aren't in the greatest financial position, for two of us we earn an decent wage but I struggle to see how we will do everything we want to with a kid. I also worry that our parents are older and won't have energy to help out with childcare. My parents will be 68 when the baby will be born and my partners 63 and 61. I am also about my parents dying and having no family support. I can't imagine not having a night away with my partner ever again. I also feel like I am grieving for the life I will be giving up and I just want to put a pause on life and have it stay this way forever.
But then I think I would regret if I was to give up the baby. I always like the idea of a family and as my siblings don't have children and are unlikely too, I feel it would be lonely not having children in my life if I was to ever split up with my partner. The thought of holidays and Christmas on my own seems so sad too. I feel I would regret not having children when I am older and the thought of being older with no children seems lonely.
I also worry about how I would cope if I had a child with severe disabilities or was very challenging. I think this is my own anxiety talking. I have friends who have children but they have much younger grandparents who can help out.
I worry I won't make friends with other parents, that my own friendships will suffer and I will be lonely. I also worry my partner will have to give up his hobbies. But then I know our own friendship group will change and that even some of them might have kids and then we will be left out. I know people say get babysitters, but this is something we would probably struggle to afford.
I am having counselling once a fortnight to help with issues with trauma and part of the work I have been doing is realising that my thoughts on control and not being able to cope with uncertaintly relates to this. Having children though is the biggest uncertainty but I know rationally that nothing in life is guaranteed. It might be the biggest joy in my life or the worst thing I ever do.
I don't know what to do or who to turn to. Other people seem to manage it so easily. I have been obsessively reading on the internet today about people who have regretted having kids and not having kids to try and get both sides of the story and I think this has made my head worse.
Sorry this is very jumbled and doesnt make sense. I don't make sense. I almost just want to end my life to stop all these thoughts. I cried in my partners arms and asked why I can't be a normal person, who doesn't have anxiety and is overly worried and just take life as it comes. How I can be worried about having a children and at the same time worried I won't have them. This isn't normal. Surely being pregnant shouldn't make you petrified about your own parents dying. Today I just wanted to phone my mum and tell her I was pregnant and all my thoughts so she could make me better but I knew that was selfish. I want to stop all these what ifs and thoughts in my head. I feel like I need urgent help but don't know where to go.